Married for about four years and have a beautiful daughter alomst 2 years old. My wife and I constantly fight. It's clear that we cannot get along. Both of us probably agree that if we didn't have a child together we would have left each other long ago. I love my daughter so much. She is everything to me. I cannot bear to live without her, seeing her everyday. I am scared to death that she will hate me or not even care about me, that I'm just some guy and not her daddy. My wife would likely remarry. I'm worried my daughter would think of that person more as her father rather than me. Anybody have a similar situation?
2006-10-09 02:57:06 · 16 answers · asked by ? 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
just spend as much time with her as you can but don't be too selfish. this is all you can do. don't worry about things over which you have no control. does it help any to worry that the moon may explode at any given moment? whether the moon explodes or not has nothing to do with you worrying about it.
2006-10-09 03:17:45 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
This may not be the answer you want to hear, but my DH and I were in a *really* bad place a while back. Like you we were pretty sure that if we didn't have kids we'd have long been divorced.
However, we made the decision that divorce would not be an option and neither would be continuing in an unhealthy marriage. Once we took those two components out of any solution, we were able to find a way to repair the damaged marriage. Today we have a strong and thriving marriage and two children reaping the benefit of it.
I'm not anti-divorce - I understand that sometimes it really is the only option because one or both of the partners just aren't willing to give enough to make a compromise possible. But having come from a divorced home, I can tell you that it *did* have a negative impact on me.
I don't know the extent of the damage to your marriage, but before I made any decisions, I'd ask both of you to sit down and see if you can make a list - a list of "legit" complaints/demands from each person and a list of "selfish" complaints/demands. This requires complete and total honesty on the part of the list-writer. To sit down and decide which things come from selfishness is very difficult.
The selfish ones are the ones *that* person needs to get rid of on their own and the "legit" ones MUST be considered by the other person and *real* attempts must be made to address the other person's concerns.
Has anyone ever told you that you can leave the relationship, but you take the problems with you? Whatever is happening between you and your wife, if you're not fixing them now, you're both just packing them up and taking them to your next relationship. What's that teaching your child?
I really wish you the best. But IMO, many marriages *can* be saved - the participants just aren't willing. Divorce is easy, marriage is hard.
I don't think you're a horrible person for considering divorce, and I wouldn't consider you a bad dad or a bad person for getting one. My only advice is to *really* make sure you two have done *everything* to make it work. *EVERYTHING.*
Pride was my biggest problem. It was very hard to let go of.
Best of luck.
2006-10-09 03:30:43 · answer #2 · answered by tagi_65 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry bro....What I did was fight like hell to stay in my daughters life...She was 5 months old and now she is 8 years old...I see her every weekend and call her a few times a week...The only way she will grow up to hate you is if you don't put the effort into staying in her life..I made that mistake years ago with my older 2 kids..I thought being they were being torn in 2 directions that if I stepped aside they didn't have to choose.I was wrong.Your little girl will always love you as long as you are there for her.Mine looks forward to the weekends with me aand so do I with her...Try not to fight with your wife,see if you can salvage the marriage before you go towards the divorce.Talking to each other is better then talking at eachother..It might be something small that you are both overlooking that is causing your problems....Find a babysitter and take her out on a date, talk like you guys did in the very beginning.See what happens,if anything you will part as friends and it will make things easier in the divorce..I wish you all the Luck in the world...I hope this helps.
2006-10-09 03:10:55 · answer #3 · answered by Frank D 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you haven't filed for the big split yet, how hard have the two of you tried to fix your problems? Have you gone to counseling? If you fight all the time, you need to learn new conflict resolution skills. This would be the ideal for all of you including that little girl of yours. Use that fear of loosing your daughter to force a change in the two of you.
If both of you agree it's too late for that, and divorce is the only answer left, then it's up to you how your daughter grows up and feels about you. Divorces don't have to be hurtful or evil. Being a non custodial divorced parent means you stay as involved in your child's life as the divorce decree allows. You can't play your daughter as a way to further hurt your ex. As your daughter grows she needs to feel secure that your love for her will never fail, and that your still there for her as much as is allowed. Teach her that the divorce had nothing to do with her. That your ex and you just couldn't live together any more. That you just grew apart. NEVER try to tell her that your ex is a bad person in any way. Let her know that she still has two committed biological parents that love her very much, and will always be there for her
2006-10-09 03:17:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's better to be from a broken home than to live in a broken home. Children are a lot more in tuned to what's going on than we give them credit for. I'm sure your daughter feels the tension between the 2 of you. Have you tried marriage counseling? If not, it could be the answer to possibly saving your marriage and your family. If I were you, I'd exhaust every avenue & try everything to keep it together before you give up. At least that way you'll never wonder...what if? If you do decide to separate or divorce, try to keep a civil relationship with each other..you owe that to your daughter. Be sure she knows that you will always be her Daddy & you will always be there for her and then follow through with that. If you & your wife can't work it out , at least agree to remain friends for your daughters sake. Good luck.
2006-10-09 04:04:28 · answer #5 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you do your visits all the time and go out and do things with your daughter and don't forget about her she won't forget about you.. Even if you wife does remarry you and your daughter will always have a special bond together if you are a good father and show up for all your visits when they are expecting you to show up.. who knows later on she may want to come and live with you when she gets older and able to make up her mind for her self.. remain friends with your wife so that there is no problems in visiting.. and keep up on the suport and you and your daughter will be very happy together.. it won't be every day but it will be well worth it when you are together. remember you can't buy there love either and don't talk bad to her about your ex.. that is what ruins most little girls respect for there fathers.
you will be fine and she will love you forever.. you are her daddy after all..
2006-10-09 03:26:01 · answer #6 · answered by Sandy F 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well your daughter is only two and she is really not old enough to know your problems and whats going on. if you are getting a divorce you daughter would more than likely go with your wife , but i would be sure to always be around and see your daughter as much as possible . but your wife should make sure your daughter knows that you are her father and not tell her any different.(if you no what i mean by that). as far as being in your situation my kids father never came around and never took care of them or supported them my husband as of now, my kids look at him as the father but my kids also no who there real daddy is they made that choice on there on. I think as long as you stay in your daughters life you wont have to worrie about anything. Good Luck!!!
2006-10-09 03:20:04 · answer #7 · answered by mstycain 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
staying together in a marriage with a person that you're not happy with is more destructive than getting a divorce. Think about your daughter if she grows up in a house, where mom and dad hate each other?? she is going to think, oh this is what marriage is all about. he goes to work, pays the bills, mom is the hero cuz she is here. That isnt what she needs to learn. Yes, you're wife MAY remarry, maybe not. but the new man needs to know that you are her father, not him. just as your new wife needs to know, she is not the mommy. be there for your daughter, dont miss visitation, work out joint and legal custody so that you have equal time with her. if you are in her life, then you wont be just some guy who donated the sperm... its all in how you forge your relationship with your daughter after the divorce. you daughter needs to know that marriage is about a deep, abiding love, not about getting "stuck" with someone for 2o years. good luck
2006-10-09 03:05:26 · answer #8 · answered by Joyce K 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No your daughter won't hate you as long as you stay in her life and are always there for her. Just because you and your wife don't get along anymore doesn't mean the same will happen to you and your little girl.
You will always be her father and that person would be her dad. He could never take your place.
2006-10-09 03:38:30 · answer #9 · answered by NyteWing 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
2 miserable parents a happy child does not make. how your children feel about you depends on how you treat them. let me make one point clear. i do not mean that you should let her always have her way. i mean, you let her know that you love her. you stay a part of her life. you tell your ex that you will baby sit when she has dates during the week. be active. adn if you can't fix it and you divorce, insist on equal custody and access to your child. you adn the wife are going to have to raise this child together divorce or not so work out all the details when you discuss this next. be there. show her you love her. you're her daddy. she'll love you back. its what daugthers do.
2006-10-09 03:09:06 · answer #10 · answered by kajunprincezz 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know I truly feel for you, but I DON'T agree with staying in a relationship because of the children. Children can sense the tension between two people especially under one roof. As long as you and your wife are open and honest with her, along with remaining activie in her life. In order for it to work in your favor you may have to bite your tongue at times with your wife. Talk with her and then the both of you talk with your daugther; even though she's young. I wish you both luck.
2006-10-09 03:05:59 · answer #11 · answered by Diva E 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋