Is there any point in trying to explain ourselves to straight people?

Question

I'm tired of trying to explain ourselves to straight men and women. The don't understand us, and they never will be able to. The male + female relationship is so thoroughly ingrained into their brains that they simply cannot comprehend a male + male relationship. It simply doesn't compute in their brains. Whenever they see a male + male relationship, they try to fit it into a male + female relationship because that's all they understand. That's why they're always trying to look for a dominant/active partner and a submissive/passive partner. They're always looking for the 'woman' in the male-male couple because a relationship between two males is beyond their scope.

I remember when some stright people I know watched Brokeback Mountain, they argued which one of the men were the 'woman' in the relationship. What they didn't realize was that there was no woman in the relationship! It's a relationship between two men!

( Rant over. )

Answer 1

i get that all the time! my woman and i are both femme not frilly and everyone's like "but you're both pretty..." and they blink and act like that should explain everything. then "which one of you is butch" cause they can't tell. same dealio yo! we're both the girl and neither is butch! now with that out of the way:
yes there is a point. as hopeless as it feels everytime you get that dumbfounded look, you're still chipping away at that hetero paradigm. one tiny chip at a time, we'll break that mold or at least make them numb and not give a s**t anymore. have you ever asked them which is the butch? try it. that face is your reward for explaining AGAIN that gay means same sex and it's not some role play with most couples.

Answer 2

I would agree that it would be difficult for most straight people to fully understand a gay relationship; however, I don't think that all heterosexuals are closed-minded on the subject. Actually, I have met several who were very open-minded, supportive, and genuinely curious. If someone has genuine curiosity, I don't necessarily mind answering cogent, reasonable questions about it. On the other hand, on the rare occasion that I encounter someone who is demeaning, sanctimonious, or closed-minded about the gay lifestyle or anything associated with it, I feel no need to explain or justify my orientation to them at all. Bottom line, if someone has a legitimate, respectful question, I don't mind trying to address it. But, if they have an issue and want to flip me some crap about it just for the sake of trying to give me a hard time...f--k em ! What most people fail to understand is that sexual orientation and attraction is not a polarized issue...there isn't simply "gay" at one end of the continuum and "straight" at the other. There's a LOT in between those two designations. Similarly, there is no simple way to categorize any relationship whether it's male-male, female-female, or male-female. There isn't very much in the world that is strictly black or white and that certainly applies to sexual orientation and human relationship issues.

Answer 3

It depends on what you mean by "explain."

Straight people are naturally curious about gay people. That is to be expected. Most of them will have a pretty limited view of homosexuality. A question about sexual or relationship roles is not necessarily offensive. They have no reason to assume that a relationship between two males does not share the characteristics of a relationship between a male and a female. Particularly for people who do not know anyone who is gay, they are operating off of religion, media and popular culture. Usually, those are not the best sources to consult on matters relating to sexual orientation.

Obviously, no one needs to justify their sexual orientation. But a question such as "how long have you known?" is hardly equivalent to prejudice.

Also, the idea that gender dynamics would exist in gay relationships is hardly controversial, at least not to me. The vast majority of gay men and women are the products of a heterosexual household. If they have internalized those dynamics and emulate them in their own relationships, well, is that really surprising?

Answer 4

I agree with you....and we shouldn't have to! I don't expect straight people to explain themselves...or people of different races or religions....but, for some reason, being gay/lesbian still means (to some straight people) we have to. my straight friends, thankfully, are open-minded and accepting enough to never require any such thing like the lame question "who's the man and who's the woman." That's probably the stupidest one that's always asked! Hello! we're lesbians! we're BOTH women! Do they really think in our relationships one must act masculine and one feminine (in both gay and lesbian couples)? or do they mean who's the dominant and who's the submissive?
I mean...who cares? I don't care what goes on in anyone's bedroom...whether they are straight or gay....as long as they are consenting adults and they are happy....it's no one's business!

Answer 5

Gaga M,
I get the same thing when I am trying to explain Christianity to Atheists. Many people ask questions that they think are going to be a problem to explain. They might even think that they are starting trouble.

BUT, I explain, if I feel the need, as best I can. The reason why is because something might sink in, they might NOT go to that extra step to make someone feel uncomnfortable.

Also, in a communication form such as tis one, someone else might happen along and be swayed by the arguement. You know what I mean? Haven't you changed your views on a thing or two just by reading what someone wrote?

It's kinda like that.

Answer 6

No, just be who we are is the best thing.

Don't try to explain what we do or how we live, there will always be ignorant people out there who stereotype because of whatever reason, just let them get on with it and be happy that you aren't one of those ignorants...

I just live every day as it comes, I don't tell anyone straight or gay about my relationships with anyone.

There's no need. Ok, so I'm gay, but that doesn't mean I have to shout about it, just as my straight friends don't shout about how straight they are.

Answer 7

I'm not gay but i get where you're coming from. It is unfair that you have to explain your relationships to straight people who don't get it. But don't give up there are straight people out there who do get that there aren't stereotyped roles in same sex relationships and there are people out there who support your right to choose any relationship you want. It's great to be proud of who we are and i think it's great that you're happy with who you are

Answer 8

We have no need to explain ourselves to straight people, let them wallow in their ignorance whilst we get on with forming the sort of relationships we require to be happy and true to ourselves.

Answer 9

I feel as though that we should not have to explain ourselves to straight people becuase there are some that will never get it. some just cant fathom the fact of a woman and a woman beign together or vice versa for males. due to this fact you have to tell them what me and my whole group of friends say "I am what I am I liek what i like it's just that simple" because it would be a waste of time, energy, and breath to sit there and try to explain to them why u like what you like and are the way you are, so its not even worth it.

Answer 10

You shouldn't have to any more than straight people should have to explain themselves to you.
Your observation about the way a gay relationship is percieved is on the money. Its because people need a point of reference in an attempt to understand a situation.