What would you do?

Question

I am married, 19 yrs. Been cheated on twice. Have 2 children. There is no relationship between myself and hubby. He sleeps in the living room and I sleep in our bedroom. Its been this way for 6-8 months or longer. He does not help around the house. He does not help with the children, meaning, I provide all health insurance, buys b-day presents, christmas and any other holiday, I provide 100%. He says he loves me, but Im beginning to wonder if those words just flow off his lips like water does off a ducks back! I don't trust him. Never will. But is confused, which does not make any sense. I think I'm afraid I can't make it without him. Some advice would be great. Would like to hear what others have to say.

First, let me say thanks for your advice. I was surprised to see a answer so quick. Thanks again..He will not go to marriage counseling. Tried that back when he left the first time. He does work, he is a Lineman (power lines). He has a great job. And no I don't include him on holidays. He never has remember my b-day, anniversary, etc...but I do take the children shopping for their daddy for his b-day, Fathers Day, Christmas. Only do that out of respect for the children. No matter how I feel about him, that is their father.

Answer 1

Of course you are afraid of making it without him. It's totally natural to feel that way - we all fear the unknown. You've heard the expression, "better the devil you know".

Your husband has become a passenger in your relationship, and you're letting him get away with it. You need to start putting pressure on him to play an active part, but you're probably hesitant to do that, in case he reacts by walking out or cheating again. So you need to gain confidence that you will manage if he does that.

Sit down with a piece of paper and ask yourself "what's the WORST that can happen if I throw him out?", then really think it through. You may have to do some research.

Would you be able to support yourself and the kids (remember he'll have to pay child support which will help)? Where would you live? Could the kids do more around the house to make it easier? Are they old enough to get a Saturday job? It may not be as difficult as you think.

If you're worried about being alone for the rest of your life, don't be. I just got married for the second time at 52!

OK, now be brave. Make a list of household chores and split them up between you and him and the kids (for instance, you do the cooking, he does the washing up, kids do the drying). Make a booking at a marriage counsellor.

Now sit him down and explain that things need to change if he wants to stay married to you.

Give him the whole list of chores showing who is going to do what (not just his list - so he can see that he is only being asked to do his fair share). Oh, and if he doesn't do his chores, don't do them for him - leave the dirty dishes till morning if you have to!

Also give him the date and time for the counselling appointment. If he says he doesn't want to go, tell him it's not negotiable, he either goes to counselling or you'll make an appointment with a lawyer instead. Be very firm, dont' let him talk you out of it - he sounds to me like a manipulator, and you shouldn't trust him to keep any promises he may make.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I have been married 19 years also. What do you mean you are afraid you won't be able to make it on your own. You said that you are pretty much responsible for all the insurance, gifts and everything else. What is he providing? Everything will be split 50/50. The question you need to ask yourself is "is the environment you are in healthy for the children?" If the answer is no, then I strongly encourage you to seek out counseling first for the two of you. If that doesn't work or he is unwilling then for the childrens sake, get out. My parents should have done it when I was young but my mother was too afraid to be alone and it was a bad decision. Home life growing up left a lot to be desired and I promised myself that I would never let a situation like that affect my children. Good luck and contact me if you need an ear.

Answer 3

You really don't sound happy at all.It sounds like you would do better by yourself.The more u tell yourself u can't make it w/o him the longer you will stay being unhappy & the harder it will get to leave him.Maybe you guys should both put in an effort to get back the lost love.You will never get back the same feelings,that does'nt mean you can't find new ones.If both of you can't than why would you want 2 stay together?Why would you stay with someone you will never trust again?Sounds like you are getting the shi*** end of the marriage & he is milking it for everything he can.I don't feel sorry for women who stick around & put up with crap from men.It is your fault for staying & allowing yourself to be treated like someones dog & not their wife.You are probably scared to be alone.Lots of people are & it causes them to live unhappy for a long time.Think about your children.Don't stay with him just to make them happy,they will be alot happier when mommy is happy.Do u want them groewing up thinking this is how a marriage should be& that this is love?Sounds like you are afraid of change.If he loved you he would be willing to do whatever it takes to keep this marriage together.That may mean marriage counseling,communication & defintly not cheating.I pray that every thing will work out for you & that you won't stay in a relationship that does'nt seem to be working.If you 2 can find happiness that would be wonderful but if not go your own way.Good luck!!!

Answer 4

I *suggest* only !!! first let me ask this... is the relationship worth fighting for ?? that is what you must decide, and only YOU can answer that... sorry..... and then, if the answer is NO, well, you have an ever bigger thing to decide... like, getting on with life !! if the answer is YES, then you need to get busy.... you and hubby need to sit down and do some serious heavy duty talking... what the rules and boundries are for making it all work... get everything, no matter how painful, out in the open... and then working on each thing, one thing at a time... some instances, it can work and others it cant..... I am proof that it can work out, IF you BOTH want it and are willing to work 1000% at it, not 100% , it takes much more !!! so beware ... it will NOT be easy !!!!! and it will take TIME, LOTS OF TIME !!! years even !!!! God bless

Answer 5

You CAN make it without him, You're doing it now. I hope you don't include him in the B-Day & Christmas presents. Does he even work at all? If you don't trust him it is over anyways. Get rid of him and find someone that you love and will love you back and will help you with running the household. A judge will order your ex to pay child support too and that should help you some financially. May be the only way to get anything out your ex.

Answer 6

short answer is, you're already making it on your own. You're in a 'comfort zone', even though it's not the best of situations, it's the situation that you know. Stepping out on your own is probablay the hardest thing anyone can do after they've invested that much time into a relationship, but I have to say, relationships are two-way streets. I don't know his side of the story, but from what you say, it's a pretty one-way street for you. That's not a relationship, that's him sponging off you. My guess is, he loves that you take care of him like that, but probably hasn't got a clue what love truly is. Personally? I'd give him a choice. You and counseling together, or it's time to really think about whether it's worthwhile for you to be in the relationship. Here's the deal, your kids know you're both unhappy. They'd rather see you happy, even if that means the two of you split up. And it gives them a chance to see a healthy relationship, instead of a rather dysfunctional one.

Answer 7

Your afraid of being alone plain and simple, u'd rather be with a piece of sh*t of a husband and father then to be alone.. your comfortable in the situation even if ur not happy with it, u know what to expect every day , and the fear of change scares you.. He is the father of your children and u will always have that bond but other then that, thats as far as it goes for him.. only thing thats keeping u there with him, is a vow, and fear.. fear of "what ifs" but no one has a crystal ball that they can see into their future , u just have to ask urself if u want to take that leap of faith that there is something more for u out there.. or stay and try and fix a marriage that is extremely broken and would take help on both of your parts to even attempt to fix.. either way the household ur living in , isnt a happy one, nor a functioning one that your children deserve..

Answer 8

Have you ever heard the phrases "meal ticket" and "gravy train?" Those phrases describe what you are to your husband. He is getting a free ride from you and is probably sleeping with someone on the side. Why should he put forth effort towards your family when he doesn't have to?

Since you are providing everything in this situation, you don't need him. You only think you do. You would do much better to be rid of him, your time invested in your marriage notwithstanding. Sometimes the real winners are the ones who know when to cut their losses and fold.

Answer 9

You have withstood more then most women would. You inspired me to look at what my life will be in 9 years if I choose to stay in my marriage. The key here is that you have been doing it on your own all this time. It is time to step up and love yourself enough to get out and enjoy your life. You don't need this guy for anything. Would it not be nice to have your couch back? I mean who wants some guy sleeping on it every night? You need a man who make you feel like the strong smart loving women that you are. When he says he loves you, that translates to I love that you do everything for me and all I have to do is show up to my job every day. You will cook, clean and raise the kids for him so he has it made. Kick him out and let him wash his own clothes!!!!!
You have to much going for you to be held back by someone like him.
Now the little pep talk is done, get out there and live the life you deserve!!!!!
Best wishes, hug the kids.

Answer 10

Yes I can see thats not much of a marriage there you have. and im sure he feels the same your just both going through the motions. and neither one wants to leave there comfort zone. he has a roof over his head food in his belly and thats enough for him. but really if he's cheated twice he 's looking for more than what you two have at home.. You said you tryed marriage counciling and he said no. For the sake of your marriage and happiness for both. Try sitting him down and getting to the root cause of this. You both can't go on living in a loveless marriage not fair for either of you and yoru both robbing yourself happiness . Life is too short. you'll wake up one day and ask where did the time go.

So for yourself and for him you need to decide instead of both sitting on the fence and burrying your heads in the sand. this can't go on forever this way. So I suggest you make the first move and get to the source of the problem

See if you can both repair this. If its to far gone sometimes you have to cut your losses and call it what it is and then both move on to greener pastures.

Good luck.