is " for the sake of the children" a good reason to stay in a marriage?

Question

Hubby and I of 10 years have an " open" marriage,and I am in a relationship with a man who i am happy with. He fulfills my mental,physical,and emotional needs,and I,his. I am staying for the sake of the kids ( 17,9,3) and my 17yr old thinks what I am doing is wrong. My other two kids like him,and have no idea that I am sleeping with my "friend". All they know is that I like him,and he,me. We don't want my marriage to fall apart,and hubby gave me and him permission to sleep together,if I want to. Just your thoughts. My marriage has been on the rocks for a long time,and I nor hubby have been happy. We don't want to end it because of the kids,and they don't want us to split up,even though we have not told them we are unhappy together.They see it,and they aren't stupid. Just honest answers ok? I am not looking for approval,I will do what I think is best anyway. I am just looking for your thoughts on this,as this is the first time I have "stepped out" in the marriage.

Answer 1

I didn't even read rest of the question and I have to tell you NO.
There is no reason to staying in an unhappy relationship just because the kids, that is even worse!
Get clean divorce and begin a new life with the person who cares about you and loves you. The kids will rather live with truth than in a bad masquerade marriage.

Answer 2

I do not think that you should stay together just for the kids. For a few reasons,

1. They will see you and your husband in a loveless marriage and may get the impression that this is normal - and then fall into the same trap and loveless life that you two are now leading.

2. As there is no love left in the marriage, you are likely to have arguments and rows, this will have an effect on your children and they will be living, waiting, for you to separate knowing that it might happen at any time, this puts unfair strain on them, and they might even believe that they are the reason for you arguing all the time. So in this case you could argue that it is better to split up for the children.

3. Unless this other man in your life has no feelings and is just using you for sex, you will loose him, He may be happy with the way things are at the moment, but at some stage he will want a 'life' with you. This means going to sleep with you, waking up next to you, being together through the good and the bad together.

4. I would assume that you are still quite young (between 35 - 45) you have a lot of life ahead of you and you deserve to live it as well - you deserve happiness. So does your husband. While you are still living together you will never achieve this happiness in a love less marriage.

5. At the moment you have the chance to dissolve your marriage, and still remain friends with your husband. I believe that it is better that children have two parents that love them, and respect each other, than two parents that hate and fight each other all the time.

It will be hard on your children when you split, that can not be helped, but in the long run it is better for there development, to see two people who respect each other, agree to part and keep that respect, than two people who will constantly be fighting and living an unhappy existence.

Good luck in your future whatever you decide.

Answer 3

there is nothing wrong with divorce. But I would never have sex with another person while I was still married. Go through your divorce and then continue relationship. It is worse for the kids to see you with this other man than it is to get divorced. The confusion level must be very high when they wonder why you have so much fun with your "friend" and not with dad. It would be better for you and your kids if you st down and explained to the kids that first of all it is nothing they did wrong. Most kids from broken families blame themselves for the divorce. They need to be told over and over that nothing they did contributed to this that you and your husband just don't have the same interests in life and need to move on. Get split custody so the kids aren't left out. They have to be told the truth so they aren't confused about the time you are spending with new friend. I am sorry to hear about this I hope this never comes up in my marriage. I have been married for 10 years and have a 6 and 2 year old. I love my wife very much and my kids and I hope that things stay that way for me. But you will make the right decision and things will work out fine in the end. Just will take some time for things to settle in. Good luck

Answer 4

No to be totally honest with you . No one should stay in a marriage for the sake of the children because no matter what anyone may or may not say it only affects them in the long run and some times makes them become very dysfunctional people in the long run. Life is too short to be unhappy. If both of you are unhappy in the marriage I say end it. Go be with the person that you say makes you happy. Your children are not always going to approve of what you do . They are going to grow up move on with their lives and you are still going to be in an unhappy situation. It sounds to me like two of your children are happy around the other man. If your marriage hasn't worked in all this time and your husband is giving you permission to sleep and be with this other person then leave, but try to do so on good terms . Again, you only live once and there is no reason aside from your children that you should go through the rest of your life unhappy if you have found that someone who does make you happy. Just remember you are not the only woman who has been in a marriage and left and you won't be the last. If you leave your children may be much happier, being in a happier enviroment. The children are not stupid or blind, so move on. Don't stay for the sake of the children, children adopted much quicker than we do as adults.

Answer 5

It is normal for kids to not want their mom and dad to split up -- especially when they are ever so aware of the difficulties that can be had with that territory. However, your 17 year old disapproves because they have a conscience and probably believe you are ruining your future. How would you feel if your children did what you are doing? Seriously.

Your husband -- I do not know. Is it possible that if you were to seek any type of custody in the event that you split up that he would attempt to hold any of this against you?

Many people divorce and their kids come out fine because the parents are able to work out agreements that are in the best interests of their children.

I do not believe that you are giving your children the best practice/interpretation of the word marriage. Mom and dad are married, but mom has a special friend that she likes a whole lot more than any of their other friends' moms would show . . . You are not giving your children any closure to the relationship with your husband in terms of your role. They may be younger, but they are not ignorant and it will not be long before they figure it out -- at least the 9 year old. How are you going to look in their eyes? What are you going to tell them when they ask why you are doing what you are doing? Give them a different interpretation of the word marriage than the standard one in every dictionary?

Answer 6

I think you should divorce the man if your not happy. IF the kid can see it then they'll understand. I agree with your 17 year old 100 percent. It's wrong. And "for the sake of the children" is not a good reason to stay with somebody you don't like. Because that will probably effect, if your children decide to get married, their marriage as well. And you never maybe your kids will like the man your sleeping with so it will work out. And what's the point in staying in a marriage with no love. If your children see it then i really think you should get a divorce. It may be hard,but its just something you have to do. If you do decide to get a divorce make sure your kids nderstand it's not their fault. Most children will blame themselves for the divorce. And i know u don't want your othe rchildren suffering as your eldest child had to do. It's your decision not mine.

Answer 7

No it isn't. It's unfair to everybody when someone attempts to stay together "for the sake of the children". It just puts more of a strain on everyone. The parents..."pretending" to be happy for the sake of the kids gets pretty old after a while. Eventually you'll get tired of pretending, and everything will come out in the open, and the children will witness you arguing and everything. Although the hubby seems to be fine with it...it might get to him after a while...and the $hit will hit the fan as they say. It's better to just go your seperate ways, and talk to the children about it. It's better than living a lie.

Answer 8

I think you should never stay together for the children. You are their role models and they will act in their marriage the way you see you and your husband treat each other. They need to have both parents in their lives as much as possible but not necessarily together. I have a friend who is very happy that her parents split because now she can sleep in her bed without covering her head with a pillow and still worry about the test she has the next morning. Do you want your children to think that it is OK to sleep with two men? Diseases are spread this way.

Answer 9

You are setting an example for your kids. You are giving them a very warped idea what marriage is. Regardless if your husband "gave you permission" or not, you're being a terrible role model. Your kids are going to think less of you as their mother, the 17 year old already does with voicing that he/she even knows it's wrong. It's just a matter of the other ones finding out.

Answer 10

This will hurt the kids, but I think it's for the best. Although this can only be remotely related to this; my dad cheated on my mom with a neighbor. I've seen a lot, and I have suffered because of this. I think the children would have the same reaction i've had if they found out about this (although your case is different), since it hurts me everyday thinking about this. My dad is almost never home and this would be the same as not having him around at all. I don't like how it feels, and I am normally a nice person but this has affected me a lot. Your children may be emotionally capable of understanding this, but be careful and understand their pain if you do decide to leave your husband. Just be ready to help them emotionally and always be there for them.