My husband and I just went on a nice vacation to the Carribean, and I found out that he was taking videos?

Question

of other women who were much prettier/thinner and dressed much nicer than me. One video I found was one of him focusing on this beautiful blonde girl for over 4 minutes, following everything that she was doing.
There were other videos I saw, and who knows how many he deleted before he found out I saw them.
Am I right to be hurt? I mean, this was OUR vacation, and what the hell is he doing looking at other women? And taping them without them even knowing? t's almost sick. I have low self esteem as it is....I don't need this kind of cr @ p making things worse for us. I mainly spent the rest of our vacation after I found the video just drinking, a lot by myself.
I was so hurt, he tried to re-assure me that it had nothing to do with me at all, he said he thinks he may be a voyeur. I mean, I love to people watch too, but I don't freaking video them!!! And why were all these women things I am NOT?
I would not be comfortable in a bikini top, or half of what these girls had on.

I've tried to ask him to go to therapy with me, but he refused. He says he still loves me. He just have a problem with this particular issue.

Maybe I should mention that I a little overweight (50 lbs) or so....so right there I feel sh!tty about myself.

It's been a couple weeks since it has happend, and I've brought it up a couple times to him which pissed him off majorly. He feels now I am just throwing it in his face.
But it obviously isn't going to go away???!! How do we get through this without going to counseling? I used to trust him so much...now I wonder.....*sigh*

Yes, he knows I found out. He downloaded all our pic and video clips on our computer each night.
When I confronted him about it, he became very upset. Upset because he hurt me, and probaly upset that I found them too. He tried to comfort me, but all I wanted was to be alone at that time. I mean, he really disgusted me, and I saw him in a new light this time.

Answer 1

Maybe he was on assignment for Girls Gone Wild.........

Answer 2

I don't know what to say, sweetheart. That must have crushed you when you found those videos. I have a weird question though...it sounded like he (or you) downloaded the pictures and videos to a computer (laptop?) that you both had access to? Why would he do that if he knew you would be looking at the pictures. Did he just forget he did it?

I also hope those girls weren't underage. THAT is even sicker.

And ignore that stupid a$ $hole above who told you to go join a gym. What an ignorant thing to say. He probably can't get any himself, so he stalks women who are in a weakened state and thinks he will be able to pick them up.

Just take care of yourself....are you in therapy? Or are you willing to see a therapist? That might help a lot. I don't know if voyeurism is a disease or not, but it does sound very strange. Especially since the trip was you and him, not you, him, and a bunch of other pretty girls. (Not saying you're not pretty.)

How has he been acting since you guys have been home? You need to either forgive him and move on, or make a decision about what you want your future to be like. You also need to draw some "boundaries" and tell him that this behavior is NOT acceptable. For some couples, it would be okay, but for yours, it wouldn't obviously, and that's fine. Then leave it to him....would he rather take "secret" videos of women, or be with you and give that disguising habit up?

Good luck.....I wish you well. It has to be hard....and I don't know what else to say.

Answer 3

Wow it is your self esteem, I look back at pictures of myself 10 years ago after i had my kids. I am 32 now and i kicked myself all the time. Hated my husband for looking and ordering videos! I worked hard for the way i look now, not super model but really worked at it! What really helped me in the beginning was letting him watch videos of girls and eventually watching them with him. (keep it home girlfriend) keep it home!He loves you i'm sure. Marriage is a wonderful thing and he knows and you know it wasn't a mistake.He was probably drinking as you were too, and real emotions come out. Did you pack your sexy underwear? I don't know what you look like and it would not matter but on a vacation bring out the wine and the panty's! No one needs to see you in a dressy sexy way but your husband you are right! It hurts! Feel it in yourself. Sexy strip songs oh and did i mention the wine!He did go over board on the videos, but get up and start walking or running in the am because it's all about you now! , no gym, cause when you run through the neighborhood you can smell the fresh air and see beautiful things, bring an mp3 player and play sexy stuff that makes you happy and
most of all ( i will show myself i am sexier than them) don't do this for looking good at first, do it for mental mind and then he see's you have love for yourself and that you are having fun without him! It's all up to you after you try this....... it works baby it's all about you!

Answer 4

It is normal for married man looking at beautiful women and even focusing at specific womens' body. Looking not video taping. Anyway He still loves you, no doubt. Do you know how I know? Because I'm one of the man and I'm willing to die for my wife. Don't worry and stop hurting yourself. Put your trust on him but not 100%, make it 90%. The other 10% is for yourself. For jealousy. because this percentage of jealous are because you care so much and you don't want other people take him.

Answer 5

Personally, I feel its harmless to appreciate the beauty of others...however, as long as it is not acted on.

Now as for your situation...the use of the videocamera (having it turned on) was really dumb on his part. Considering the footage would be viewed by both of you I understand why you are hurt. One can appreciate quietly. to flaunt your appreciation is hurtful to other.

I would believe that his interest is visual only and he would never act on it. But you should stress how hurt you were by his dumb behavior. Give him a whopper of guilt trips. Get your self esteem back by knowing you matter enough to him to evoke a whammy guilt trip from him.

Also assert to him that its not acceptable behavior and future behavior such as this could jeopardize the relationship.

Also mention the only people I know who do that stuff are teenage boys. My brother will take pics of girls just because they are hot. hopefully he'll grow out of it.

Answer 6

I couldnt live with him knowing he was looking at other women like that when we were on vacation. It does sound like he really has a problem. I would go the divorce route if he doesnt want to get help.

Answer 7

I wouldn't worry too much.
From the sounds of it, he was only looking, not trying to buy.
Would you rather know that he is doing this, or would you rather he have shades on at the beach and stare for half an hour at some boob job with a head?

Answer 8

You have every right to be hurt and if I were in your situation I would kick his butt to the curb before things escalate too much more. If he will do that there is no tellig what else he could be up to.

Answer 9

Short and sweet: He became upset with your question, because he is GUILTY and may be hiding other things.

Sorry about your situation, but only you can make the next decision.

Good luck.

Answer 10

my wife tries to play this crap on me,, claiming that i was lookin at someone, it wasnt true,,but you got proof,,if i were him id be ashamed,, try counseling,, or stop videoing other guys at the beach and stuff, tell him your a voyeur,,see how he likes it,, there isnt any excuse for him to do that,, and you should be comfortable in anything you wear,,and as you hubby he should tell you how attractive you are,,,

Answer 11

Your hubby sounds like a dirty old pervert,all men look,i even look myself,he probably didnt think it was going to upset you this much.