my husband filed for divorce?

Question

but I want to stall.... I believe it's a mid-life thing, also a heavy weed smoker, is there anyway I can insist on him seeking help or going for marriage counseling???? He's 57, weve been married 13 years, says he just doesnt want to be married anymore, wants to be alone, there is no one else...just feels boxed into a marriage and wants to be alone...he has moved in and out 3 times in the past 3 years ( always moves back to his mothers) but up till now never filed....I had just kept praying he'd get his head right, but he says he's happier now, he wants us just to be "best friends" like the old days...laugh and hang out together...I want my husband, not a "buddy", he still comes over 2-3 times a week, just to eat a sandwich, watch tv....then back to mommas house.....all my friends/family say let him go...I deserve so much better than this, but I honestly believe he's sick with all of the smoking, just suddenly went from Mr nice Guy to Dr Jeckell overnite?? Any suggestions? Please? Tx

Answer 1

don't sign anything. pull yourself away completely. don't be his "friend". you are his wife, not a buddy. if he wants to divorce you, show him what it will be like - with you *not* in his life at all. don't let him come over, don't make him sandwiches, don't spend time with him, don't take his phone calls.
you don't know what you've got till it's gone - so be *gone*
if he doesn't come around, you've got to ask yourself - do you *want* to be with someone who doesn't realize how wonderful you are?
good luck

Answer 2

Sounds like your husband has more problems, then just pot. Is he mentally ill ? But then again, if he is a heavy pot smoker it causes a residue around the brain and it makes the smoker very moody and un-certain about what he should do. If he could just get off the wacky weed, and in a few years , he could pull out of that mood. But unitl he is ready to change there is not much you can do. 57 !! Oh my gosh, he is too old to change. Where are you gonna find another man at your age, if you are in the same age range ?? If you Love him dearly and have children with him, then hang on. But for 57 years old, that is over the hill. You know also that Marijuana makes a man loose his sex drive. He needs to stop smoking weed. I hope it is not too late. Good Luck. You are 100% accurate !! All is caused by that shitten Wacky Weed !!

Answer 3

Let it go. It is not going to get better. My dad left my mom after 33 years of marriage. They'd been together for 36 years. He also said there was no other woman but we found later there was. I suspect that could be the case here. We suddenly found out that dad was a HUGE liar about everything. We also feel that this has to do with a mid-life crisis and possibly an addiction to porn. But there is no hope of it getting better. He isn't suddenly going to go back to who he was. The person he was is gone. If you've been going through this for 3 years then I'd say there is no hope. I'm really sorry. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to move forward. Let it go,move on and take care of yourself. Also, stop letting him be your buddy. Just break ties all together or you'll never move on.

Answer 4

This must be a very scary time for you. 13yrs is a long time to be with someone and the idea of being alone might be a scary alternative for you right now. I agree, he does sound sick--depressed--actually, not to mention that his brain chemistry may have been affected by all the smoking. However, you can't fix him or even help him. If he doesn't believe there is a problem then your just spinning your wheels. More importantly though is, what are you getting out of this situation? It doesn't sound like you're getting happiness, or piece of mind, or intimacy...don't you deserve that after thirteen years with someone? You don't have to be his wife or his sandwich maker, or his friend. All you have to do is to decide what your needs are out of life--your dreams--and find away to focus on making that happen. Besides, why spend your life with someone who doesn't want to be there? It just sounds like a lot of suffering. His mommy can make his sandwiches from now on. You have to get on with making up the time you've sacrificed for not.

Answer 5

It sounds like he has no incentive to change this behavior. He doesn't have to be married, but he still has you and his mom to keep taking care of him.

You need to set some ground rules. Don't let him come to visit anymore. Meet him somewhere else - not at the house. Don't cook for him. Tell him that since he is the one who left, he needs to understand what it is going to be like without you. Let him suffer through losing you - even if you really want to keep him. Call his bluff on this divorce thing and make him think that you are done with him and his behavior.

You have allowed him to act like this for way too long. A grown man of that age has no business smoking pot. He should have matured enough to leave that behind many years ago. It is time to force him to grow up. Momma isn't helping, either. She is also enabling him to continue this poor behavior.

Have you ever heard about "Tough Love?" That is what he needs from both you and his mom. Set rules and expect him to follow them. Make him take responsibility for his own life.

Answer 6

I'm no expert on marriage. I just got married a month ago and I'm only 21 but I would suggest that if you really want to keep him around that you should give him some space. Maybe you should ask him to move back in but to take it slow! Maybe you guys should sleep in different beds, let him go out with his buddies, let him have space. Pretty much go back to the whole "dating" stage. I know it sucks but if you want him to stick around it may be your only hope.
Honestly it sounds like he stills wants to be with you or else he would not come over just to hang out. I would suggest some counseling for himself first and then maybe add the marriage counseling on top of it. It sounds like he's got some issues with the lifestyle he had living when you guys lived together. It may just be him that's why I would suggest counseling for him first! I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 7

I am sorry for you. But there are better guys out there that don't have to get stoned or drunk. I suspect he is a drinker too, most are.Let him go and find another. If you want him back ,just ask him not to come over any longer . That you want to start a new life and he needs to also. He will get jealous and think you found another guy. It also lets him know he cant have it both ways. ( being alone and seeing you when he needs sex or a sandwich ). You need to be strong. Good luck

Answer 8

stalling, as you call it is not going to change anything. Your husband is being allowed to do what he wants so he is doing it. He either gets committed to the marriage or he leaves and as hard and harsh as that might sound, that is what needs to get done. You will have to put your foot down and let him know you had enough. That you are tired of putting your life on hold waiting to have him decide what he wants to do. he needs help with the drugs and with commitment. Maybe get him some marriage counseling? How about drug help? I know you want to save your marriage but how much longer are you willing to put up with this situation? I truly wish you the very best. God bless you hon.

Answer 9

Sorry to say dear but you can't force anyone to do something they dont' want nor feel in there heart. I think you should respect his decision and let it be. Your trying to hang on to something that is lost and he did tell you he's happier now . By the looks of things him coming back 3 times he did try. but his feelings were n't there and he finally got it .

By you pressuring him to come back is not going to help the situation and neither will it work. He's letting you know in the kindest way possible its just not working out . I know you would like to have everything back the way it was. but sometimes you have to know when to let go.

Beside's lets play devils advicate here for a moment and say he did come back to you because you wanted it even though its not what he wanted. Would you truely be happy knowing he's miserable and not in love with you. Could you really feel good inside knowing he's not there cause he loves you but out of pity?


Wouldn't you rather have a man who wants to be in a relationship and wants to be with you , rather than having him come back this way.

All the best Be strong!

Answer 10

I once heard that an apple tree is going to give you apples no matter how hard you plead it to give you oranges. It sounds to me like you're trying to change this guy against his will...and that doesn't ever work.

Sometimes, when guys or gals refer to "the good old days", it's because their partner has changed. Perhaps when you were best friends, you played hard to get, but now you do not? Guys do like that feeling of the chase, even in marriage.

My advice would be:
A) don't push him; play hard to get. If he doesn't come running back to you,
B) move on. Come on, he's 57 and still acting like he is 17? Get yourself a real man and stop having this teenage drama. Stress kills.

Answer 11

It sounds like he has already left the relationship. He says that its so you can be friends but he has to be pursuing a "romantic" relationship with someone. His mother's house should have very little appeal to him at this point in his life.

Let him go. Its been 13 years but you can find a better life with someone else or by yourself. I think most of what you are feeling right now is fear. The fear of being alone. He is living his life. It is your turn to live your life.