What unrealistic expectations of marriage do couples have and how can they overcome them?

Question

My character on Home and Away, Martha, recently split from her new husband Jack (Paul O’ Brien). Both had different expectations about what it meant to be married.

Martha expected more commitment, attention and sacrifices while Jack carried on as if they were still just girlfriend and boyfriend: drinking late with his mates, working constantly, forgetting to phone etc.

You can see me on Home and Away on Australia's Channel 7, weeknights at 7pm.

http://www.yahoo7.com.au/homeandaway.

Answer 1

I think one of the biggest things overlooked in a marriage by people is that they assume their partner will not change. The real truth is that the person you're with will evolve naturally and you have to be willing to understand this and recognise it so that your relationship evolves as well. It's like a relationship has tides... It's hard; it gets easy; it gets fun again. What's hard for most people to sustain is an ideal that their relationship should be perfect. That's ridiculous. What's fantastic about marriage is getting through the ups and downs with the same person, and looking across the room and saying, 'I'm still here. And I still love you.' You re-meet, reconnect. You have marriages within marriages within the broader scope of your relationship. But society has made the concept of wanting to work at your relations a total taboo. We raise our eyebrows at people who seek out marriage counselling. We question the value of commitment. It's unfortunate, but we live in a very disposable society. Those moments where it looks like "this isn't working it's time for me to leave"- those are the most important, trans-formative moments. Most couples draw up divorce papers when they're missing out on an amazing moment of deepening and enlightenment and connection. I just think we all need to be more prepared to WORK. Too many of us forgive in spite of love. In my relationship with my partner, we forgive each other BECAUSE of it.

Answer 2

Unrealistic Expectations In Marriage

Answer 3

Sure every girl has in their mind what they want their future married life to be like...the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 3 dogs, a mini van....but as we get older we realize that some of our wants arent' exactly realistic - well not unless you marry a millionaire. Just the same, guys have wants when it comes to marriages too. I'm not a guy, but I'm sure some of the things on their list would be a bad a$$ car, a smokin hot wife who liked to clean and cook, and a high profile job. (could be wrong, just what I think) There again though, men also have to come to reality and realize that, no, your wife isn't going to look like Carmen Electra - you most likely won't have that million dollar Maserati, and you most likely won't become the president of the country. Saying this, I don't think your girlfriend will be upset with you if you can't give her all of her wildest dreams. (unless she is unrealistic) Will she be disappointed, yes, but not at you, instead at life or reality. If you have been dating her for an extended period of time (which I assume you have been considering you have brought up marriage) then she should know your financial status and what you can and can't afford. Trust me, if money was an issue she wouldn't be with you. She probably would have left you already and found a guy who makes millions. As long as you provide the basics, a decent home, maybe a dog or two, and a few kids I think she should be more than happy. Remember, you don't have to be a millionaire to be happy - money doesn't buy happiness.

Answer 4

I find it interesting that none of the "answers" mention the more intimate level, and also the goings on behind closed bedroom doors, of a couple.. I can't quote this, but I have a psychology student friend who stated that the "in-love" or "lovey dovey" stage of a relationship usually only lasts for up to 3 years. I believe this in some sense, but I would not imagine that a marriage that's been working for 30 years would stop these feelings totally. Where I think a marriage fails is when man or woman expects the beginning of a relationship (the first few years) to continue be the same 10 years later. After these first few years, I believe, a relationship needs to develop another kind of love - which, to me, is stronger, more beautiful, and more powerful than the first stages of a relationship, even though the first stages are fun.

Unfortunately, in this era of media, a lot of us have been mislead, and think we should be "in-love" for the entirety of a marriage. And when this feeling fades, we doubt if we're living the right life, or have chosen the right path. The media also leads our minds astray into physical temptation, thinking we can or should be getting more. If we all thought we should be with someone with the looks of a super model, or famous movie star, then there would be a lot of people in this world with no one.

Also, because of this world we live in where we can get what we want, when we want it, how we want it, we have become quite selfish. If you're unsure about this, look back 50-200 years and research the quality of lifestyle compared to now. We often live in our own apartments, or when we do live with other people, we move out after a while because we don't get along (not in all cases of course!). We like to live our own lifestyles too! We have so much given to us on a silver platter. How does this relate to a marriage? Well, as we all know, it takes two to make a marriage work. As has been said already, there needs to be a lot of give and take when two people decide to spend their lives together, and how can we give when we want things to be our way so much? And it's not about either the man or woman having to do particular things, because each relationship is different, and the people in them have different needs and desires. What if a woman liked to work on cars? Would she have no place in a marriage?

There a many aspects of a relationship people need to consider before getting married. We need to realise that while love is that amazing feeling you get when you've just met someone and the sparks are flying, it is also that feeling of sitting on the grass in the back yard laughing about memories shared.

There are others, but I'm tired...

The closest thing to perfect is change. The next closest thing is you my love...

Answer 5

hi Jodie,
I'm a big fan of yours I'm only 14 and i only watch home and away cos Ur there and i live in the uk so im not that far but i like 2 find out wat is comin up so if ur there i can definatley see .
even though im not maried i know that normaly girls would expect the perfect relashonship almost makeing it so perfect that it kind of turns into a dream rather than reality . most boys think more of a maraige as on the casual side and dont realy realise that how much the girl wants . i no u cant get eveything u want but to some extent as u cant keep taking without giving and in jack and martha,s case this shows very well as they think in totaly different ways which is why they so suit .
the woman normaly expects more from a husband and expect him to do things like calling and coming home sooner ( in some cases not giving him a social life) they can over come these by talking and understanding each other and discussing their problems especialy in jack and martha's case .
i have always dreamt of being a model and had got inspired by u wen i was 10 and did quite alot of research on u .
email back on how my email helped
luv Neha Thummalapenta

Answer 6

Maybe people are getting more unrealistic about what marriage involves/entails and that is why they so quickly throw the towel in and divorce. Perhaps as well as sex education, we should have marriage education. Maybe before a couple wed they should sit with a councillor to informally discuss what they expect to get out of a marriage - or better still what they intend to put in to it! Of course, parents may do this or their contemporaries - but someone should because the number of marriages ending in failure is a (bad) joke! The only way to overcome different expectations is through discussion and compromise on the part of each party to the marriage

Answer 7

The most unrealistic expectation is that a spouse is the fulfilment of all emotional needs or that you, as the spouse, will be the total fulfilment of someone's emotional needs.

People remain individuals, and to expect them to become the blank canvass on to which you can project all your fantasies and hangups is fatal. They aren't toys you can just make to live in your dream world.

The fiction that romantic love conquers all is closely related to the fiction of your spouse being an emotional panacea. Love might help (and lust can play its part too), but if two people (the current fashion in marriage - not the one most common in history) are to stay together they have to remain meaningful to each other throughout life. This probably means the relationship will change over time - the hopes and desires of the people involved will change. So marriage has to be an adventure, a voyage into the unknown - not a quick cruise around the Mediterranean.

Answer 8

You asked what unrealistic expectations of marriage coules have, and how they can overcome them...But in life, if we even broaden it, we could ask, what unrealistic expectations in relationships do people have, and how can they over come them?

In any relationship, people seem to come with expectations. With marriage, because there have been role models and stories, and family histories, each person seems to come with his or her idea of what marriage is, what the expectations are, based on their histories, exposure, backgrounds etc.

What is unrealistic? If two people, for example, both agree that in their marriage, they will have sex only on Tuesdays, then that is reality for them.

There really is no way to cover all the unrealistic expectations that couples might have, because in life, unexpected situations may always arise, about issues one never anticipated. But a good way for two people who are about to get married, or who are married, to find out about some unrealistic expectations is to talk about it; or to play a game.

One can have fun with it; if you make index cards, and give each person seven cards in which he and she will write down certain expectations or ideas about marriage.

Then, the goal would be to see if you can get matching pairs. And if the one person wrote down something that the other person didn't, this would be an opportunity for discussion.

In the discussion, the challenge would be for the two people to peacefully discuss the areas where one had an expectation and the other saw it another way. Whether or not the person convinced the other would be irrelevant. But just by talking about the issue, the challenge would be how they communicated about it.

During this: an effective but fun and non threatening way to discuss differences is to say to the other partner: I am not going to judge what you say. But ideally, how would you like me to respond to what you said? What would be the best answer, that is, in your opinion, that I could give you? That way, you learn a lot about how the partner thinks.

Answer 9

The most unrealistic expectation of marriage is forgetting to take the rose tinted glasses off, marriage is a partnership not a fairytale, you are a team and have to work together to keep that team going, so many married couples don't even sit down and talk to each other these days, they just do so much assuming about each others needs and wants, they need to work together and talk together and stop letting outside influences come between them both, a lot more compromising needs to be done too.

Answer 10

I think that aside from Jack and Martha's marriage problems, they are so funny when they argue with each other. Especially when they invited tasha and robbie over for lunch and were sniping at each other. I couldn't stop laughing. to be honest, after watching their marriage fall apart I can undertand both of jack and martha's point of view. It seemed like everything jack did was wrong but going out with Fitzy after work while you were at home waiting for him was really bad and I felt sorry for Martha. Jack should have invited her along too. On the other side, Jack has been trying really hard to fix things even though he has made some mistakes and it seemed like everything he did was wrong, like when he didnt tell Martha that Cassie and macca were cheating behind Ric's back. If I were jack I would have told Martha, because he should have more loyalty to his wife than anyone else and that means telling her everything regardless and to trust she won't tell anyone or do anything to expose him telling her secrets. I agree that they both had totally different expectations about marriage and that they need to talk to each other and ask what the other wants, and to make compromises rather than having fights and walking away. I hope that Jack and Martha stay together because they are my favourite people on Home and Away and it will be dissapointing if they get a divorce. Jodi you are one of my favourite actresses and you are very very attractive, jack is lucky to have martha, (but looks don't matter) ;)

Answer 11

Hi Jodie!

I think the unrealistic expectations couples have of marriage is that there are never going to be any "bumps in the road", and that the fairytale nature of the pre-marriage romance will continue. That is why quick romances and weddings such as Jack and Martha's are often doomed to failure, because neither partner really knows the other.

How do they overcome these problems? Talking, making each other aware of what they expect from marriage, and ultimately deciding whether each partner is prepared to give what the other partner wants.

Unlike Jack and Martha, this is best done before rushing headlong into marriage.