My ex FINALLY wants to be a Dad to our child after 5 years!!!?

Question

I have a 5 year old daughter, and she is beautiful. I haven't been with the father since I was pregnant. ( He made my pregnancy miserable) All her life she has rarely seen him or spent any time with him. He may see her every 3-6 months. When he DOES see her he usually leaves her with his Mom, or sisters, (whom already takes her nearly every other weekend. I also let her go with them any time they ask.) He hardly ever calls her or anything like that.
Lately it seems though, since she has started school, he is acting like he is King of the world and is always at me about certain things. It seems like no matter what I do, I should be doing something else in his opinion. And it all seems like minor things. I really don't think it is sincere concern, because he hasn't shown that in five years!! Why is he acting like this??? It's becoming VERY annoying, and the effects seem to be hurting my daughter. He keeps telling her that I am doing things wrong, and I think that it is hard on her.

I know it is really hard on her. She loves us both, and I don't want to keep her from him. But she gets so confused about things. And when she does see him, its like she is being interrogated!!! I don't ask about him, I usually just say, "did you have fun?" and leave it at that. What can I do to help her? And how can I make him stop doing this to her?

I don't talk bad about him, just so everyone knows. It is bad enough he will hardly put in the effort to see her. I keep topics of him to a minimal, and only say nice things....

I noticed someone mentioned this. No he has not paid child support. And no we do not have any legal agreements. He just shows up whenever, and I don't deny access to his child.

Answer 1

You sound like you have been a great mom by trying to give him and his family the opportunity to be a part of your child's life no matter how much a pain he has been. Maybe with your daughter going to school he realizes she is starting to grow up and eventually will be able to figure out if he has been a good dad or not. It is easier to blame other people for everything that he has done wrong, sounds like he is doing that to you and putting her in the middle. Ask him to tell you if he has a problem with something versus telling her because if he really cares about her, he wouldn't put a 5 yr old in the middle. I would also tell your daughter that you both have different opinions on things but you are trying to work on those things.

You are in a tough situation but are handing it with your daughters best interests. Good luck.

Answer 2

Okay -- no more of the bad mouthing a parent stuff.

Love a child? Love their parent (mother or father).

Why? Because the child is an extension of both the mother and father and when a child's mother or father is put down, the child feels it, too -- the shame and the hurt.

And believe me, that will harm the child's relationship with the parent in the future if it is allowed to continue. That is brainwashing a child and it undermines the parent with custody's ability to care for the child. Insist on parenting classes -- the both of you can attend or whatever.

As far as leaving your child with her grandmother and aunt, if that is okay with you, then fine. Otherwise, cut down on the visiting time and make sure he returns your daughter home.

Why is doing this after five years? Maybe he has been watching a few TV talk shows or has a buddy who is going through something similar. However, you have been doing things all along and if he wants you to change then ask him his rationale -- why is a different way better?

Answer 3

talk to the school counselor, and see what he/she thinks. They will be able to have an objective opinion, and can see things in a way to know what will/wont hurt the child. If the counselor thinks what he is doing will harm your daughter then I would say go to court and put an end to his seeing your daughter. If he has not had a steady relationship with her during any of her life, then the court will not have a hard time ending his rights to visitation if it can be stated that the counselor( one or more) think that what he is doing is having a bad affect on your daughter.

Answer 4

Perhaps he has sincerely seen the error in his ways and really wants to be involved as he should be. The problem is that he has not had the last 5 years of parenting experience to rely on, which you have. Remind him of that and insist that any disagreements you both have on parenting be settled away from your child. It may be in your daughters best interest if you all attend family counseling.

Answer 5

Let your female friend's ex spend Christmas along with his youngsters at your female friend's dad and mom' condo. It might be a beneficiant factor so that you can do. You and your female friend would begin your very possess Christmas culture of getting Christmas morning to yourselves. Then you would decide upon up the youngsters later, cross out to dinner and open a couple of distinct offers later whilst you get residence. Send your offers to her dad and mom' condo forward of time. You are best her reside-in boyfriend at the moment. Why discipline her dad and mom to all this drama? They realise a father's ought to see his kids so for a couple of hours at Christmas, I'm certain they may be able to post with him and whilst revel in having their grandchildren for this distinct time. That does now not rob you and your female friend of whatever. An early Xmas with the youngsters at his time and location is your reply to solving matters however the logistics of the problem are running towards you... the one method he would do that's to rejoice Christmas on an afternoon that's now not Christmas. If he's inclined to return to spend time with the youngsters, that's just a well factor for them. If her dad and mom can tolerate him (they did for ten years so I do not believe it is unimaginable), then what's the damage? You and your female friend are making this sound like a territorial problem - 'Christmas is ours, he is not invited'. Since her youngsters will regularly be hers and as soon as once more, up to you may also say you like her, you're her reside-in boyfriend, the youngsters will regularly be his too. If you begin drawing traces within the sand now, you are going to make matters such a lot worse for the youngsters - meanwhile, with out marriage, your dating with their mom has a restrained 'shelf lifestyles' so you'll be able to stroll off scott-loose while the grime settles.

Answer 6

Just talk to him about how you feel, communication between
divorced parents is very important. Especially to your child, some
times people realize they have made mistakes. Maybe this is what is going on with him. He might be trying to make his self
feel less guilty for not being around by putting the things you do
down. All I can tell you is hang in there, not for him but for your
daughter. hope this helps.

Answer 7

His actions from what you tell me does not in anyway make fatherly actions. He's on a control trip, your daughter knows more than you think about her father (yes, even at age 5). Continue letting her see her grandmother and aunts as usual. Your response as neutral but supporting will go very far with your daughter. I also think your ex's family will set her straight on her father.

Answer 8

Does he have legal visitation rights? If so, work out a strict schedule. If not, make him go and get it. You've done the hard part, so he should stay out of it unless he's 1. paying support and 2. willing to have specific rules agreed on with you about how she's treated, when he gets to see her, etc.

Answer 9

Well I think you need to tell him to stop talking to your daughter about you and saying mean things and you didn't do that to him.

It seems maybe something has happened in his life to make him wake up a little and be a man about his responsibilities.

Answer 10

I would explain to him that you have raised her for 5 years without him and you dont need him to tell you how to parent her. You can tell him if he had advice that you two can talk about it privatley and not with your child present and that he will not talk badly about you in front of the child. I wouldnt push him away from her though,..kids need their fathers even if they dont act like it sometimes. Set boundaries and make sure he follows thru.