this is a short and simple poem, what do you feel about it?

Question

POCKET VERSION OF LOVE

pocket version of love,
human version of love,

kindness in desert
sweet rain in ocean
light in night

these were inked lines
in shirt pocket of mine
romantic, don’t you think?
A white shirt
innocent love of dirt,
soap attraction for dirt,
what about paper in shirt?
It looked like indigo shirt

mirage in desert
sweetness in ocean's water
rainbow for blind

promise, washed away,
paper, tron away,
from next time
pay a little on laminating ways.

Answer 1

first of all, good luck and encourage you with your poetry. I hope everyone would write something every day that way people would be more connected.

pocket =human? are all human versions of love like pockets?

there is not much kindness in desert but there is sweet rain in oceans but no light at all in night? If the union to these terms is nothing, something, everything it´s well written.

excellent paragraph follows, where you point to having it written down and the ink runs, i like it a lot.

personally i still believe there is a slight problem with the desert/ocean paragraphs. Mirage in desert is a fact (??? lol), sweetness in the ocean is like submerging yourself into the water and then rainbow for the blind. Once again everything, absolutely everything and then an incredible heaven,(rainbow for the blind) that would be the only explanation i find to these paragraphs of your poem.

The end is good. Question is how long did it take to write?

What if you played with it a little bit longer in your mind
and changed some of the rhymes?
I then avoid mentioning time
because otherwise I would be doing with these lines
what I am telling you not to sign

Be yourself, the rest? It´s up to you. I am just being honest.

Answer 2

I've a few be aware books stuffed with a number of the equal feelings. The well factor approximately they all, is that we are nonetheless round to inform humans approximately. Isn't it high-quality to be equipped to return out of the opposite facet of the lengthy, darkish tunnel? Keep writing.

Answer 3

Feels like poetry for it's own sake. A poem has more than rime as a requirement. Look deeper into your feelings and put those in rime, and it might be better. This feels as if you've put yourself to write this poem, it didn't come out by itself.

Answer 4

It's sweet but a little dumb. It tries too hard and sounds ill-considered. Proof read and improve your poetry before putting ti before the world. Add in a few articles, too (you know, like "the") so it isn't so jarring to read.

Answer 5

I got kind of confused about what you were writing about comparing love to a rainbow for the blind.......not my deal but i'm sure some one might like it....may be

Answer 6

A strong positive emotion of regard and affection and a A person who lacks knowledge of evil

Answer 7

I don't really like it. I'm into the rhyming type of poems. I don't like the kinds where you have to try to figure out what they are trying to say. Sorry! Just being honest.

Answer 8

I agree with the masses does not do much for me, there is not really any rythm to it, poems that do not rhyme still need rythm

Answer 9

Its better than "Rose are red...."
It is interesting but I dont really understand the message your trying to convey.

Answer 10

Don't quit your day job. Poetry is not your thing.