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Question

Hello i am a 38 year old M, married to a 33 year old woman. We have been together for almost a year and married 7 months, In the begining the sex was great. It was actually incredible and every where and at all times everyday. We have had our problems, we seperated for about a month. I was mentally abusive, never physical. I know what I did wrong and have said I am sorry and i got help. She involved her family with everything and they no longer like me. I was turning my hurt into anger and that wasn't right. We have gotten back together now. I love her and she says she loves me. There is no more abuse or names and we now talk a lot and when I get upset I leave until I cool down. The problem I am having there is no sex none what so ever. She says its gonna take time, but on the other hand while we were apart she slept with someone else she didnt even care about. She has been no angel here, I just wanted to say what i did. What do you think here. Help please.

Also I am having sugery this week and she says she wanted to help me thru it. She runs to her family everytime something goes wrong. She choses them over me always. I am last. She lied about a lot of things as well. I wanted you to see more then just the names. I also am getting a lot of money from my grandmas estate soon. But like I said she says she loves me but no sex. But she didnt love this other person and that was ok to have sex with while we were apart for a month? What do you think. You say give her time because I was wrong and she needs time to heal then why did she sleep with someone that she didnt care about while we were apart. If she needed time to heal that sure didnt take mush to screw someone else that she didnt love. But she says she loves me? Think about this all and then respond please. No sex with me, sex with someone else? Come on now she can with them but not me. Think before u answer please.

Answer 1

hey man, move on... no deep meaningfull advice here, or a solid answer... but it seems the problems may be bigger than both of you... just move on...

Answer 2

You say that she had sex with someone she didn't care about and now she's not having any sex with you at all? Not even make-up sex? Hmmm! You need to be careful here. She's saying that she didn't care about his other guy. Who is he? Where did she meet him? Was he a one-night stand, or does she know him from before? She is 33 and she runs at a drop of a dime to her family everytime something goes wrong? Are you sure she's 33? There seems to be a lot of unanswered questions here.

You've changed your ways, which is a good thing. How long have you been back together? You guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. You can promise her that you won't blow your top. She may be afraid to talk to you because of your past behavior. Since you are married, suggest some marriage counseling. It may be a good idea to get counseling that way she will feel secure enough to be totally honest with you if there is a professional there. Maybe you can start counseling on your own that way she can see that you are truly making a commitment to changing your behavior.

Good luck.

Answer 3

She had sex w/ someone else to fill in a void when u two separated. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do but it seems that during that time, she was looking for a rebound type of relationship...which really, doesn't mean anything. Now I don't know about her running to her family everytime u have some kind of problem, but my guess is she feels her family is her only support and will always be there for her.

As far as not having sex with u goes, well that is normal if she was sleeping with someone else and may not feel "connected" to u, even though she says she loves u. There's definitely still some issues in your marriage but if this is something u are both willing to work on, u both will have to put in 100% of the effort to make it work. Otherwise, there's no way that one person can pull it off by themselves.

Answer 4

She could have sex with someone else because it was meaningless. She was hurt and she was looking for comfort. She seems to have realised that what she did was wrong too and this could be part of the reason for her not wanting to have sex with you. But also, you did hurt her and you are in the wrong, and she needs time before she can have sex with you again because its picking up an old relationship where there were problems before. It's not like starting a new relationship where everything can grow and blossom. Everything has already happened between the two of you and you two are trying to get the connection that you had back. You need to start from the beginning. And part of that is not having sex with her until she is ready.

Don't complain about her running to her parents. They are her family. She grew up with them, has known them longer than she has known you. Her love for them is completely different. They were there for her when she needed them. You weren't. You were the reason why she needed them! Obviously she would go to her family when she has a problem! And obviously they wouldn't look too fondly on you after you hurt her because she is a part of the family and by hurting her, you in turn hurt them.

I'm sorry, but you seem to be complaining a lot about your wife and the mistakes that she made. You say that you know you were wrong, but I don't think you realise the gravity of the situation. It's one thing admitting that you are wrong, and it's another thing accepting the consequences for it.

Answer 5

Well... maybe she's just stringing you along with the hopses of getting her hands on your grandmother's estate one day?

No offense, but running to her family everytime something goes wrong seems like a very immature thing to do. Adults handle all minor problems & issues in an ADULT manner. It's not exactly cool to spread your business around for everyone to know, but depending on the extent, level and amount of the abuse, it could have been more serious than even you realize.

But still... maybe you shouldn't have gotten back together so soon. It seems like you guys maybe weren't quite ready for acutal marriage just yet.. which is very unfortunate. Take some more time to get counseling together as a couple, and then try & get back together later on down the road.

Again... best wishes & good luck!

Answer 6

I must say this is a complicated scenario. The issue of her seeking a safe haven within her family after being mentally abused by you is understandable. When one hurts, we seek the support of our loved ones - you can not blame her for doing this. Nonetheless, it's quite commendable that you have sought help resolving your behaviorial issues - but the harm has been done and now we must face the consequences. She slept with someone else during a break - yes, she should not have done this, moreover because she was still married to you. It seems that she did that because she was seeking some sort of emotional comfort, she confessed and apologized for it and so have you for your behaviour. However I sense there is a lack of security and trust in this relationship on both parts. Both of you are responsible for this.

What I am able to determine here is that she is not willing to have sex with you because she has lost her love and trust for you. Sex is not only an act of satisfaction but a way of conveying your love to your spouse. I would confront her and ask her how does she feel about you - perhaps she needs more time and how and what can you do to improve your relationship. Communication and committment are integral parameters to have success in your marriage. Furthermore, share your thoughts with her - she obviously cares for you since she is willing to take care of you after your surgery. Only time, patience and much love will rectify this relationship. During your recovery time you will have much time to ponder about your relationship. If you strongly believe it's worth it put much effort in trying to win her and your relationship back. Couple counseling is highly recommended. My sincere best wishes for you!

Answer 7

You are not gonna like what I have to say but read it anyway.You created the problem in the first place my friend, now she has hurt your ego by having sex with someone else and you are really seething about it! This is what you get when you let your nasty feelings have their way with you. You can never go back! Whats been said and done, sex and all was instigated by you! now you will try and blame her for what you caused! At 38 you should have been more mature and responsible towards your marriage! This sex thing will never go away! you wont let it! so make the break now before things get worse for both of you. Good luck

Answer 8

She is doing a disservice to the marriage to make your problems so public. Of COURSE they are going to support her, and she is telling her version as if it is the truth.

Think of the sex with the other person as HER anger towards you- just like the 'mental abuse' as you call it was your anger. They are both unhealthy ways of expressing emotions. She didn't care about the other person, but she does care about you- with you, sex is meaningful, with the other guy, just something to get you back, and meaningless.

Give her time, and she should take responsibility- it takes two to make a relationship go bad- or good. You're not the bad guy, and she's not the good guy. Stop the town crier role (for her) everytime something goes wrong, and you keep on working at it.

Answer 9

I think that the answers are clear in your prelude. She lied about you to others (you should protect what you love and cherish always).
She slept with someone else and won't sleep with you and gives you less physically (the person who loves her and worked hard to change in order to be a better partner) than she did with someone who just wanted to use her.
While she is right to seek help from family when being abused ; she is wrong to continue to allow them within the privacy of your relationship.
The truth is she just isn't in to you anymore and is stringing you along until something better comes up. Make sure you protect yourself financially. I foresee this one seeking to take what she can and then justifying it by saying oh she really can't forgive you. This would be in an effort to place the guilt upon you for the relationship. Sometimes it is comfortable to go back to someone who you once had a bond with. Unfortunately it is time to let the ties go.

Answer 10

I think that you should be patient and stop trying to use something that happened when you were separated to get people to think awww, poor bloke.
I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused for 6 years, and all I heard from my ex was "you did this" and "I only did this because you did that".
Any sort of abuse takes a long time to recover from, and I hope that agree with this - for as long as you continue to use your partners actions to her disadvantage, you will continue to be an abuser.
There is more to a relationship that sex. She probably slept with that person because she felt wanted and desireable, even if it was for one night.
I think the best thing you could do for your wife is give her the time and space she needs. If she discovers that there is more to life than wondering if you will abuse her again, I hope that she has the strength and support to carry on without you, and you have the sense to let her do it.
Good luck to you both.

Answer 11

It sounds to me like you both have a lot of pain, both that you and she have caused. It is possible that she does still love you, and that she does just need time before she is willing to have sex with you. As far as having sex with someone she just met, whom she didn't love. That could have caused issues withinher. Maybe she feels guilty about it. Or, maybe it was just a mistake. We all make mistakes. If she is feeling guilty about it, that could be why she isn't comfortable having sex with you. she could be confused, or maybe she thinks that you will treat her differently because of it. Women are complicated . We react differnetly to things that most men don't. I am married, and my husband and I go through similar situations at times. The best advice I can give you is to have some patience, and be willing to listen to her, and be open minded. If things don't improve on their own, maybe consider going to a marriage or relationship counselor. Ideally, you should go together, but even if she won't go, youcould go by yourself. They can help you learn what to do to get what you need, whether or not she is willing to go. I hope this is helpful.