on neglect?

Question

What is neglect? How do you know if you are being neglected? Can teens be neglected? I don't even mean neglect that is illegal. What if you just feel like your parents don't give you enough attention ( like were you trully don't get much attention) and you feel like they don't really care? Like, I feel like my mother neglects me, but i may be nuts. For ex: several times i've told her about my cutting & suicidal intentions, she listened but never brought it up agian. and she still knows about it, not like she forgot. Her cure is to put me on Welbutrin, & you are supposed to watch kids on that, but she doesn't. So, in the end i feel like crap but can't tell her cause she nothing productive happens. & she seems to spend all her time w/ her friend & worrying about her. She is often doing errands, or more likely at her friends, not home. She seems to freak over her friend and herself, & away when i need help. So i feel lonely, jealous, and resentful. am i selfish? Plz help, not sympathy

i've actually been to a counselor, for like ayear or somthign. unfortunately though we were mainly working on ocd things, so eventually he thought i was ready to leave (even though he knew i was still cutting) and it didn't help much. i thought i should add that. and i don't really think she thinks it will go away, cause in an emial by her i read she was talking about how she has a daughter that cuts herself and a son that wants to pull his eyebrows off (nother story), and talking about how it made her sad and stuff. all in all, it really was all about how iti made her feel, and about how my dad came down to talk to her and that made her mad etc.... this was to her said friend. so yeah, she also seems to be kinda self pitying. sorry i ran on gah

Answer 1

If you are on Welbutrin I assume your mother has at least helped you see a doctor who prescribed that, so that much isn't neglect.

Yes - teens can be neglected, but sometimes what looks like "neglect" may be that someone needs more than someone else understands she needs or that someone like your mother may not know what to know. I'm not out to defend your mother, but as an objective person I need to make some comments that will look like I'm defending her. For all I know, she could be neglecting you. I can only comment on some general ideas.

You have said you are on the medication, have suicidal "intentions" and have cut yourself. This means you may at the very least have severe depression, which can affect your thinking when it comes to reasoning out some things (like whether you're being neglected or not). To the best of my understanding, though, Welbutrin is one of those medications that may actually cause suicidal thoughts (especially in teens)?

Is there any chance your mother has called your doctor and told him/her about what you've said, and the doctor has said it will pass? Anti-depressants take a few weeks before they start to work. How long have you been on it, and do you think you should just call your doctor and ask about the suicidal thoughts?

Is there any chance it looks to you like she's spending too much time with the friend, but maybe she is spending a reasonable amount of time? You say you feel lonely, jealous, and resentful. That's understandable under the circumstances, but if you feel that way isn't it possible you don't want your mother with anyone but you right now?

I've lived with someone with depression. There were times I had to just get away and talk to someone else because I never knew what I could do for the depressed family member, and I would feel helpless because of that. Getting out and talking to a friend helped me have a short time when I wasn't feeling helpless, and then I'd be ready to go back and try to think up how to make the depressed family member feel better again (but nobody can make a depressed person feel better, which gets back to how helpless your mother probably feels).

The term "watch", as it applies to watching kids on medication, isn't always a clear one. It doesn't mean she has to sit in the room with you at all times and then watch you sleep. It means she has to pay attention to what you say and watch to see if you seem to be getting any better or worse. I go back to the question of whether she has talked to your doctor about what she has observed. If she hasn't, then that would be neglect.

When it comes to cutting and suicidal thoughts your mother knows she can't stop you or stop the thoughts. All she can do is hope the medication works. She is not likely to let you know how much she is terrified of what's going on with you because she knows she's the parent and can't put her worries onto you, especially because it isn't your fault that you have illness. As a result, she isn't going to show you how worried or scared she is. It may feel to you like she's indifferent, but I can tell you there's a good chance she is far from that.

When I lived with the depressed person it was like he never talked about anything else but his own "issues". If I tried to make him feel better he's try harder to let me know he wasn't going to feel better. If I tried to switch the subject he'd say I didn't care. If I tried to get him to talk about other things and get his mind off his issues, he thought I was not paying attention. I couldn't win no matter what I did. I can tell you if there was anything I could have done to make him feel better I would have done it, but there was nothing I could do but hope his doctors could help him.

Can you talk to your doctor and tell him/her that you feel you are not getting much attention and why. Tell him/her what your mother could do to make you feel less neglected, and ask the doctor to talk to your mother to help her know what it is she should be doing differently. If the doctor says she is doing everything that is right then the doctor will be able to help you understand why you're not really being neglected.

You are not being selfish. You have mental health issues, and you are coming from a place of real need. That's not selfish. One problem could be, though, that what you seem to be perceiving (in terms of neglect) may not be as bad as it seems/feels to you. That's why you need to talk to the doctor about it honestly.

When I lived with the depressed person he used to accuse me of spending "every day eating lunch out" with someone. He got it in his head that that was what I was doing, when I just wasn't eating lunch out every day with this other person. My point is the "brain chemicals" that are making you unhappy are also creating anxiety and a tendency to imagine things (not big, crazy, pink-elephant, things but little things about what other people may be doing when they're not with you) that may not even be how things really are.

Your mother may be afraid to bring up the cutting or suicidal thoughts because she is probably terrified. She probably thinks she won't bring it up unless you do, and she may not want to remind you of unhealthy things if you're not thinking that way at the time.

Maybe try to talk to your mother whenever you can about things that aren't your mental health issues. I'm not saying don't talk to her about those. Of course you need to discuss those, and you need her to listen. Still, try once or twice a day to talk about something pleasant. Talk about what kind of weather you like or some special food you'd like to have or some outfit you saw in a magazine or special memories you may have - just something that will give you and her a chance to have just a little bit of normal conversation between mother and kid. I know you may not be able to get your mind of your troubles for too long, but try to talk about something with her for even fifteen minutes or so every day.

Right now you are feeling awful, and you want her to do something to make you feel better. She doesn't know what to do because other than helping you get medication there isn't much she can do. If you know of something that she's doing that you wish she'd change talk to your doctor about it (as I mentioned before). Let the doctor give her guidance and you guidance when it comes to your situation.

You know, this may sound so simple and silly it could be a stupid thing for me to say, but if you want to spend some nice time with your mother have you tried saying, "Mom, I wish we could spend more time together, doing something nice or pleasant."? Remember one thing: Your mother isn't a doctor. You have a doctor. Maybe what you should be asking of your mother is that she spend some pleasant time with you. If you and she has some nice time together it will mean that much less time you have feeling lonely. She may not be able to offer you a "cure", but she maybe could offer you a way to get your mind off your problems by doing something pleasant.

Maybe when your mother talks about her friend to you she's trying to get your mind off yourself for a little while and trying to remind you that other people have problems. I used to do that with the depressed person I mentioned because I wanted him to see how his troubles weren't as bad as some other people's. It did no good. He'd just find a way to turn it back around to how lucky those other people still were even with their problems.

So - call your doctor and ask about the suicidal thoughts and cutting. Ask if you can see him/her to talk about how you feel neglected by your mother. This professional will know what to advise you or your mother.

I don't know your mother, but I am a mother. I can tell you how awful it is for a mother to watch a child who was once a happy, bouncy, cheerful, little, child live in the darkness of depression and mental illness. If she's like most mothers she is terrified, doesn't know what she can do, may be exhausted from living in awful fear of what will happen to you, and wants nothing more than to have her child be happy and build a wonderful future.

You are not being selfish, but there is a really good chance you aren't understanding what she's going through inside. It is worse for a mother to watch her child be unhappy, hurt or sick than it is for her to be unhappy, hurt or sick, herself.

Good luck. Take care of yourself. Talk to your doctor with complete honesty. I know you are feeling neglected right now, but I have no real way to know if your mother is really neglecting you or if she just doesn't know how to make you feel not-neglected.

Answer 2

Why are you self harming and feeling suicidal? (thinking outloud, i dont expect you to answer that).

Does your mum actually understand the extent of how you are self harming? does she think it is a stage that you are just in and is expecting you to grow out of it?

You can feel neglected irrespective of age or gender. Maybe its time for you to say "ok if you wont help me, i'll find someone who will!" Do you have a friend you can confide in, someone who will help when you feel at your lowest? where is your father, can he help. What about school, they have councellors who could help. DONT ever be embarassed about asking for help.

You sound very isolated, which could be a root cause of how you are feeling. Your mum may not be able to cope with your situation possibly why she is focusing so much on other people and not you.

Its obvious you have managed so far despite feeling like you do, give yourself some credit, you are a fighter even though you feel like your banging your head against a brick wall. Stand up and make someone listen, even if it isnt your mum.

I know how frustrating it is and how you feel when it comes to the lack of support when the most important person in your life wont listen or help. I eventually chalked 'f@@@ you mum' and began to sort my problems on my own, learnt hell of a lot in the process, made some mistakes but did overcome them. Not everyone turns away, there are people who will help simply because they want to, not for sympathy but for understanding.

You are not selfish just because you are asking for help. You realise there is a problem in your life with a lack of communication on something you are worried about. You have taken a big step by adding your question on here, looking for help from others. You should be proud of yourself by just looking at that fact.

If you want to chat, scream, paddy, tantrum even cry, you are well within your rights to do it. If you need someone to chat to, email me ([e-mail]), you dont have to go through this alone like so many others do.

Answer 3

The worst kind of cruelty is "neglect", it is denying and ignoring you exist, it is a little like killing you in their minds.Unfortunately some people (parents included) are so dumb and insensitive that react like ostriches at being confronted with pain and problems, they bury their heads in the sand and hope the problem will go away. They usually suffer the same faith that some dumb ostriches do: by the time they get their heads out of the sand, some Mack truck is about to put them in orbit. In most cases of "NEGLECT", fortunately, it is not mater of parents not caring, it is a matter of their not knowing what to do , just IGNORANCE OF HOW TO HANDLE A PROBLEM AND FEAR OF EXPOSING THEIR INADEQUACY
Ask to be helped by professionals, they will eventually request your parents to get help, they needed almost more than you do. At least you are searching for solutions, shame on them, at their age they have less maturity than a child.
In this dysfunctional world, unfortunately there are many young people that suffer just like you, some overcome their problems and become great doctors and psychologists who understand and help those who are as unfortunate as they used to be. Remember, most psychologists become psychologists by starting to understand their own problems.
I think you are sensitive, intelligent, and quite capable of overcoming your problems. Give yourself a little time, and make some positive plans for your future. Don't focus too much on what is happening at home, this is a huge world and there are millons who care and sympathyse with you.

Answer 4

Darling I have read your explanatory note. In my opinion it is not your fault. It is the fault of your mother who is not giving you proper attention and who has given birth to you out of her womb. You have not told weather you are her real daughter or step one. If you are real daughter and your mom is not attending you and caring you it is not good on her part. You had told her your suicidal intentions but even then she is not giving you proper and needed attention. You are being neglected by your mother. I think she is giving times to her friends and she had no time to think about you. For proper assistance, it would be better if you ask your father to interven and ask her to mend her ways. ( I do not know weather you were born as a result of friendship or marriage). In the end my all sympathy is with you.

Answer 5

Hey honey. I think you are stuck in a viscious cycle that is moving in a dangerous direction. Your mom doesn;t pay you enough attention so you feel angry and sad and hurt yourself to prove that your feelings are real and to force your mother to take note. Her reaction is sorely lacking, so you feel even worse...
I doesn't sound to me like you really want to die, but that your suicidal feelings and cutting are a desperate plea for care and acknowledgement. I don;t say that to insult you or diminish your problem, but because I think you can only address an issue like this by focusing on the cause, not the symptoms. I worry that you are young, which tends to go hand in hand with rashness, and that you might do yourself serious damage in a moment of rage. You need to find another way to let out your pain and communicate to you mother how you feel and perhaps give her a chance to respond - she seems unable to handle the current situation in a mature and understanding manner. UNfortunately motherhood does not only happen to people who have all the answers, so try to understand that she is probably doing the best she can, even if that is not good enough. Neither of you seems to have the tools to overcome this problem, and I strongly urge you to seek outside help. Find a family counselor/therapist to help you communicate and deal with these issues. If your mother refuses to go with you do it alone (there are free services like this, and they will not involve your parents unless you want them to). Is there a father in this equation? Or a trusted friend of the family whom you could confide in? Someone to mediate between you and your mom?
I hope you will look for help, but if for some reason that is not possible and you have to do this alone, TALK to your mother. Tell her how you feel and what you want her to do. Tell her how serious this is for you. And do it in a language which she will understand and which will not send her into a blind and helpless panic. E.g. 'I am going to kill myself because of you!' might be less effective than 'I feel so sad and lonely that I want to give up, and you could help me by paying me more attention/showing me that you care etc'.
Well, I wish you luck and strength. Hope you find a way to overcome these feelings. Feel free to email me if you want someone to 'talk' to about how things are going.

Ah, after reading addintional notes: not all counselors and counselling techniques are created equal. If you just didn;t gel with that previous counselor, or if his focus was too narrow (involving only you and your behavior instead of looking at you whole family) then it is no wonder that he didn;t help you much. Find someone who specializes in family counseling. Perhaps even someone who specialises in Family (Systems)Therapy, an approach in which the symptoms of the target patient (you, in this case) are viewed as an expression of dysfunction and imbalance in the family(system) of which that person is a part. The idea is that by developing depression, or schizophrenia, or cleptomania or whatever, the individual is communicating about a problem in a family in which metacommunication (communicating about communicating) is not otherwise possible. You should definitely try counseling/therapy again, and see as many counselors as you have to until you find one that you feel understands you. And you mother, with or without you, should see somebody too. She doesn;t seem to be coping with your family either.

Answer 6

I suspect your mother thinks that if she ignores your problem, it will go away on its own. But if you were cutting and had suicidal tendencies and are just taking drugs for it, the problems won't go away. If you are underage, please beg if you have to, for your mother to let you see a psychologist. You need to get sorted out before something bad happens. And no, you are not selfish; just crying for help.