Why do I take things so personal?

Question

20 yr old. Moved to a new state about a year ago because my family moved. All of my childhood friends are back home and I miss home and them very much. I've spent a lot of time alone the past few months, trying to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. Now that I'm back in school, I've finally got some friends. But it seems that every time I hang out with people, I end up aggrivated with someone, because of something they say to me. I'm constantly on the lookout for someone to deceive me or talk trash about me. If something seems sketchy, then I automatically assume the worst, especially when it comes to friends. As soon as someone says something like, "Why did you do that?" or "your not doing it right" or some other form of criticism... I automatically get into defense mode and become aggrivated. This feeling stays with me for a few days and makes me depressed and distant.

Answer 1

You have been taken out of your comfort zone when you moved. Everyone knew you, knew what you liked and what you didn't like. It is understandable to be aggravated because someone does not understand you. You are finding yourself having to answer these silly questions, were back home your friend already knew you. Just remember the questions are to get to know you.

Unfortunately the question they are asking are showing their insecurity, not yours. The questions are an indirect way of trying to belittle you. Yes I would be aggravated too. Your so called new friend see you as a threat because they do not know you. You will find this every where you go. Learn to use humor and answer a question with a question.

'Why did you do that?" you should laugh and said "Why do you think I did that?"

"Your not doing it right" again you should laugh and said "do you think you can do it better?" "Like your so perfect"

Basically you are giving them a taste of their own medicine.
Just remember people do not realize they are doing it until they get a taste. Just protect yourself, laugh and try not to take it personally.

Answer 2

Just some "maybe's"....

Maybe you didn't want to move and resent these new people or else are looking for reasons not to like them

Maybe you've been raised with a lot of criticism in your life and have reached a "saturation point" where you feel you cannot handle more of it - especially from people who have no right to criticize you.

Maybe you never had to deal with any criticism, and now you don't know how to handle remarks that look like it to you (or that are, in fact, criticism).

Maybe you come from an area where there is enough cultural difference between there and your new area that you don't quite fit in with the new people, and they don't understand you and vice versa.

Maybe making friends is so important to you that you blow out of proportion some minor remarks out of fear that those remarks mean you are getting a "negative" rather than a "positive" from the new people.

Maybe people ask why you did something or tell you you're not doing it right because they think you're new and believe they're being helpful. Maybe, too, you are not feeling new and don't want that type of "help". You would resent it if that's the case.

Maybe you have other things in your life that are making you unhappy or else that have made you feel like you've been through loss (the move away from the old friends), and you just don't have the emotional "energy" to be able to handle any that is at all negative to you.

or some version of any of the above....


At least you know you shouldn't be taking things personally, so I would think since you know that you'll find a way to tell yourself to stop after a while. You're new and have new friends and a new school. You've been separated from people and things you say you miss. I'm guessing you may be on some "emotional thin-ice" right now, and it doesn't take much to get you stewing over things.

Chances are after you've been there for a while, and after you've gotten somewhat past missing what you had before, you'll build up enough "emotional reserve" to be able to see the small things in a better perspective.

Obviously, all just guesses on my part..... Good luck.

Answer 3

I am 35 years old, and I remember those feelings at that age. I know it is very difficult to get those thoughts out of your head and feeling very depressed. I have found you have to get on a program.
1. Live in the now and to do that use prayer.
2. Go to the doctor to see if you need to put on anti depressants. Prozac has done wonders for me. Follow up with therapy if your doctor recommends it.
3. Go to the gym and lift weights. Your brain will produce endorphins.

Just remember your brain is still adjusting chemically. Depression starts in the early twenties. The earlier you can nip it in the bud, the better you will feel. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

The pat answer is low self-worth, but that brings with it a funny twist - that to see all these things as personal, you have to put yourself at the center of all their reasoning, which in fact inflates your importance to others.

I can't pretend I'm going to get to the center of your psychic makeup from one paragraph about you, but here's something you can try to help you start figuring yourself out: Remind yourself, whenever you feel hurt, that it might not be about you. And that it might be... possible upbeat scenario A, or possible upbeat scenario B, or possible neutral scenario C.

And once you've lined up some plausible possibilities, you can either ask what's up, or wait to see which is borne out by context, or just permit yourself not to worry about it.

Point being, it is possible to retrain yourself to see situations from more than one perspective; if you're skeptical, consider that an education is merely training your mind to do just that in an academic context, so there's no reason you can't make at least some progress in an emotional one.

And if that progress isn't enough to make you feel better (break out the Radio City-style kick line, the Therapettes), then you might want to consider delving a bit with a pro.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How not to take things personally: Dealing positively with negativity gives you the inside tips on managing negativity so that you don't feel hurt, angry or negative in response. Act without reacting! Don't give people the pleasure of getting to you, needling you or upsetting you. It is no good knowing all the good things to say if you've got irritated and angry as this will interfere with your thinking.

~ Protect yourself! Stay composed! Be in control!

~Shrug-off other people's angry outbursts, snide remarks, insinuations, criticisms and complaints.

~Develop practical, down-to-earth strategies to deal positively with negativity.

~Don't take other people's bad moods to heart.

~Laugh. Thrive. Survive.

~Stay cool. Stay calm. Stay clear-headed.

~Deal positively with negativity.

~ Let it all wash over you like water off a duck's back

Answer 5

Moving is hard and meeting new people takes time- I understand your frustration the above answer was great- batman to the rescue! but seriously-

You can not help how you feel and feelings are never wrong or right they are just feelings- try and remember the only thing you can control is your reactions to others, good luck

Answer 6

By taking "things to personal", I guess you mean that you react to things disproportionately or with exaggeration. Ever tried to pet a wounded animal?
They will generally mistrust you and attack in "self
defense". We may be humans, but react quite similarly to animals: If we feel insecure, mistrustful, had bad experiences,or are just young and inexperienced, we tend to be slightly oversensitive to everything that adds to our problems, insecurities, mistrusts, hurts, or lack of self esteem. There is nothing wrong with that, if you are feeling vulnerable, by all means put your porcupine quills up, it is called self defense.
As time goes on and you gain a little more experience, and realize that self confidence is the
ability to overcome your insecurities by proving them false, you will be able to relax and take those things that are bad and good in life with
less fear,sensitivity and panic.Welcome to the world of growing old with dignity!

Answer 7

It is play of mental Ego. If you were sincere to find out your real self, maybe this is the answer by showing the side you have to deal with it.No one is perfect. Ignorance is blissful but it is not pleasant to see the weak side of oneself.
Now you have to enter into 3rd stage to will; to change, to improve.That's the toughest part, but lucky you are to start this inner journey in your youth when you have lots of energy.
Best Luck!

Answer 8

Maybe you lack confidence in yourself and your own abilities. You need to remember that their opinions are simply that, their opinions. Hence they are not necessarily right. Constructive criticism can be helpful and useful at times, but senseless criticism is pointless, plus there isnt just one way of doing something. Relax, be happy in yourself and stick to your own guns while respecting the opinions of others.

Answer 9

Ego..edging God out. Ego wants us to be more intelligent than the other guy..your ego gets a bite and you retreat by becoming angry, depressed and distant. If you had more of a self-esteem you could get over this.

Answer 10

You realize that this is a problem - get counselling, and read and do the exercises in "The Feeling Good Book,"
by Dr David Burns. Things will get better. You have to let people like you, and they will.