this was 11 years ago and i still not ready to see her grave but that last 12 mths my boyfriend want me to go am i being selfish for not wanting, i just want to go there when i am ready. then today he said we will not move in together till i do so what sould i do. he also not the father of my baby girl
2006-10-07 19:49:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
He is probably thinking that will help you have "closure" and wants that for you before he makes the commitment of living together.
However, he should not be trying to force the issue with you. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Period.
He does however, have the right to set the coniditions under which he will live with you ... just as you do, and this is something the two of you will have to work out together. If you are unable to come up with a suitable solution, then you probably should rethink the relationship.
Have you had some grief counseling? even if you did years ago, it might be worth considering seeking some know. Counseling helps us help ourselves, a trained objective person can help us see things we cant think of ourselve.
Good luck!
Note: my husbands ex-wife has never been able to visit the grave of an infant they lost ... 30 years ago. This had nothing to do with their divorce ... just that some people prefer to go on without going back.
2006-10-07 19:54:58 · answer #1 · answered by Pichi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should go visit your child's grave when you feel you're ready to do so. You shouldn't let anyone rush you into it. You're not being selfish, you're simply trying to do what you feel is right for YOU; afterall, she was YOUR baby, and the bond you shared with her for those five days was between you and her, no one else.
You might ask yourself why you don't feel ready to go visit her grave. Maybe you feel that it will open old wounds, etc. Above all else, don't let anyone else tell you when you're ready to visit her gravesite; only you can decide that. However, as you examine why you don't feel ready, you might ask yourself if visiting it might do you some good. It could bring a sense of closure to that part of your life, could help you gain a sense of peace that you've never let yourself feel. Plus, you can look at it in terms of closing one door and opening another; you could make visiting her gravesite a regular part of your life, if only in terms of putting flowers on it at various times throughout the year.
I wish you the best. Take care of yourself, and I hope you find an answer that's right for YOU.
2006-10-07 20:07:31 · answer #2 · answered by wrtboy77 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to respect you and accept your feelings, you should try talking and working it out, he might feel that your reluctance to go is due to something "stupid" I'm sure though that it must be very difficult, you might just tell him, that you've made your peace with her, and are more comfortable not seeing it. Help him to understand that your connection to her is much more than his as the baby was a part of you for some months and as such, you're just having a harder time, but dont belittle him and make him feel as though he doesnt have interest because thats not fair. Just tell him he's being unfair by giving you an ultimatem.
if he loves you he will accept your feelings. Maybe offer to go to counceling or something if the babys death is still very close to you and you've not dealt with it yet. Good luck.
2006-10-07 19:55:44 · answer #3 · answered by slices_of_heaven 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, first,if he will not move in with you for that reason, dump him, it seems very mean to give you this choice..or else..... you go when you are ready, it seems that you have taken a long time to confront these feelings, but everyone has their own time to grieve, so if he is that insensitive to how you feel then he will not care enough later.....i think that maby you should see someone and talk about this personally with a professional, they really can help you get on with your life(moving through these feelings) and help you see that this was not your fault, god does what he does for a reason, and that is never your fault..........sometimes god needs an angel right away........he has her there waiting for you....you will see her again when you time comes and when you are suppose to go.... try to see it this way, he has your little love. some day when you are old and ready....you will see her again.....good luck.........ps: never spend your time on someone who can not or will not care about how you feel inside, if he truly loves you he would not give you a choice like that, ask him why would he ask you this, maby he was just worried you would never be at piece with this. if that is true, please go talk to someone you trust!
2006-10-07 20:01:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that your bf trying to blackmail you is wrong !, But i think i can see where he is coming from, I feel that he want you to visit the grave so that you can grieve properly and put in behind you as such before you move on with your life with him, Any loss of a child can be hard to deal with and i would suggest that if even now you feel you are unable to deal with visiting the grave then maybe you need some help to come to terms with it.
2006-10-07 19:58:55 · answer #5 · answered by stud200_uk 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You being ready or not being ready to see your child's grave is entirely your own business and your boyfriend needs to butt out. But your bigger problem is the fact that he is trying to blackmail / pressure you into doing what he wants you to do, against your will. This shows that he is trying to see if he can control you and manipulate you, and is in fact one of the warning signs of a potential abuser. If I were you, I would walk away from this non-relationship so fast, all he'd see is a cloud of dust on the horizon.
2006-10-07 19:53:08 · answer #6 · answered by Liz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW, I wished you could talk to my girlfriend. She will not do this either. Then only thing I told her is WHEN she is ready. The only thing she has to do is to say TAKE ME THERE.
I just do not understand how this has ANYTHING in the world to do with you and him moving in together.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with death. If you aren't ready to go there. Then just do not worry about what anyone else thinks. This is something you have to do ONLY when you are ready.
2006-10-07 20:06:39 · answer #7 · answered by Dwayne 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't let him give you an ultimatum like that. If you aren't ready then don't go. Don't do it just because he is trying to make you. I can understand why that would be hard to do. Of course if it's been 11 years already, you should ask yourself if you are ever really going to be ready.
2006-10-07 19:52:12 · answer #8 · answered by lparker_2005 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why the heck is he so interested in forcing you to do something you are not ready to do? What kind of a relationship is this were he gives you ultimatums?
I strongly suggest that you consider finding yourself a man who is not so overbearing and controlling or else you will not be happy ever.
Dump this sob.
2006-10-07 19:54:45 · answer #9 · answered by Pete 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it has been 11 years. Its time to say good bye so you can move on.
Your boyfriend is right. If you can't say good bye to the past then you can't move in to a future.
If it had been you. Would you have wanted her to move forward with her life.
Visit her and let her know you will meet again.
2006-10-07 20:17:10 · answer #10 · answered by CINDY W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋