How can I save my marriage?

Question

First off I am deployed in Iraq. My wife stayed home with my kids. I have three of them. I love them very much. But the problem is tha I amost lost all the trust I have for my wife. She met some female friends while I was gone. I didn'r really had no problem with that, at first. Because I know that taking care of three kids by herself is not easy. Well the thing is that almost every friend that she meets is either someone with relationship problems or females that like to go clubin'. well it's getting to the point to where she doesn't stop going to the club as in she goes about twice a week. When I tryed to call her I usually have to call her on her cell phone because I can't reach her at the house. Well she is either at her friends house getting ready to go somewhere or I don'r know what because she kind off tryes to rush me off of it. We had a big argument about it once. She kind of settle down a bit but now she is back on it. She is even on my space and there is no trust

We have been to hell together for about 8 years. I love her but this is making it harder for me to deal with this deployment.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I cannot believe how many response I got in like a minute. To ad to some of your responses I don't mind her having friends at all an I really don't mind her going either to the club or what ever once a month or so. She works and take care of the kids. She is a good mom. But I just don't like her getting used to going to the club everyweek or so like right know I can't even get a hold of her at all. as we speak. She does have in my space that she is married and a proud parent.

I can understand that she needs her time to relax from all of the work she is doing. But when I call I expect all of the attention to me. for example she just had her birthday a couple of days ago. I called her to wish her a happy b'day. Then she got a call on her cell phone from her girlfriend. So she asked me if she can go talk to her. Of couse I said no but she ensisted. So I said alright then. I got mad at her and I hung up. So basically she is telling me that now she values her friends over me. .I keep trying to make sence of it all by having her explain it to me but she keeps saying "I'm sorry, I'm soory". And then there she goes again.like someone said she is probably hiding something that she doesn't want to tell me or I don't know what. I just don't want to keep thinking all kinds of thing here. I got way enough things to worry about here to keep filling it up with garbage.

Answer 1

sounds like you need to talk more.......

Answer 2

I agree she shouldn't be clubbing every week. A couple of times a month should be enough, afterall she is married and a parent. I suspect that part of why she is going out a lot is because she has a hard time dealing with having to be both mom and dad to the kids at this time alone. I remember when my daughter's father was overseas for 18 months I would get mighty tired of being the only parent, I would have liked to have been able to "hand over the job" to someone else for awhile, especially when my daughter came down with the measles! So try not to get too upset with her, she's probably very young and wants some "down time" from doing the job of two parents all week.

Answer 3

First of all, let me say I feel for you and I completely understand your situation. I myself have been in Baghdad for over 2 years at camp shield, I work for KBR. I had a similer problem about a 1 1/2 years ago. When I came home for my first R&R, I caught her talking to some guy on the phone..........,any way, turns out she lied to me, and though I never found proof, im almost positive she was cheating on me.

Here is more than likely what your wife is doing.....she feels lonely, she has some single friends who are a bad influence on her and she is probably playing the field behind your back (at least testing the waters). When women go to a club, they are single with out kids, when they leave the club they are back to thier married life-- except your not there to remind her what she loves about you. Your kids need to be the focous of saving your marriage because they are the ones who will suffer the most from a divorce.

You need to give her your side of the story- not over the phone- in a letter or e- mail-- take your time and make every word count.
Tell her the things that are bothering you about her actions and remind her why y'all fell in love and had children in the first place. She needs to hear your true concern over the future of the marriage. She needs to feel secure of her and the chidrens future, so give her something to look foward to.

Trust is the hardest thing to gain once it's lost-- but if she shows an effort to change to save your marriage, then give her the benifet of the doubt and learn to look toward the future. If she continues to do what she is doing, then cover your ***---no matter how much you love her. Begin the proof gathering process---what I mean by this is simply find proof that she is or has been cheating on you while you are deploied (*****ng whores like that discust me!) and also prove some how she is a bad mother. If she drinks or smokes or uses drugs, get proof. Proof is the only thing that will get a father coustedy in court.

Belive me when I say this-- A marriage that is worth saving is going to be a mutual effort. If she doesn't show any changes, play along while gathering proof against her, then suprise her with divorce papers and a restraining order against her kids. If you don't protect your self, she will fuc* your whole life up. You could end up paying child support for three kids because she cheated on you while you were serving your country--now thats fuc*ed up.......

My wife showed a change and acually started being more loving over the phone. I really think she felt guilty for what I suspect she had done, and today everything is good....hell we even had another baby!

Hang in there and watch your ***! And remember, no matter what happens--what comes around always goes around, so stay honest and do your part to save the marriage. In the end, if she screws you over, she will get screwed over even worse! If you have any questions about how to investigate her from over seas, let me [e-mail]

Answer 4

You do not must "instruct" her as though she is a puppy!!! to begin with, your present drawback need to me the result of whatever... what has been taking place among you 2?? have not you attempted to bear in mind that she need to be even much less convinced than you're?? you're considering practically "fingering" and stuff like that after possibly the supply of the crisis is communique?, empathy? and know-how??? some thing else Beyond the mere sexual act? And do not even attempt to take this drawback as an excuse and cheat to your spouse now!! That could very egocentric or even immature for a person of your age... Try to pay attention what she has to mention and DON'T JUDGE her of getting conventional ideas... im certain there is plenty to save lots of in on your marriage, much more after 22 years!!!!! Good good fortune and sorry If I spoke strongly however guys normally are so inconsiderate....

Answer 5

How can I save my marriage? Send her this...make her see the hurt by her indifference has caused you. She might not even realize that she is putting her friends before you. I have been married 26 years, and I still place my husband first. I will until I die. When you call her, she put everything and everyone on the back burner. It's not you talk to her everday, several times a day. If you were able to be at home with her, and you speak a dozen or more times a day..then if a friend calls and is upset...then I would ask could I call you back.

Honey, this myspace thing, is nothing....I have one myself. My daughter has one, and I use it to keep up todate with her. Several of my friends, single and married ones, so I have enjoy keeping in touch with them. You could use one to...get up with her and the kids. She can post pictures, and funny things that they did, that unfortunately you weren't there to see.

Internet sites have been a cause of a lot of divorces, but it's the user not the site. I think going out with her friends is fine, but once a week max. Clubbin with friends is ok, but again it's the person not the place you have to be worried about. I have been, and I know that I would never ever cheat on my husband. But I do like to have fun, and your wife is lonely without you home. I understand that, and she shouldn't stay at home all the time.

I am so sorry I am not helping you at all, am I? I just wanted to reassure you that myspace is not harmful unless you want to make it that way. I use my innocently to keep in touch. Just like go to a bar to have a drink with the girls. It's the person, not what they are doing. Do you understand what I am telling you? You are scared, and I can totoally understand that. You are afraid she's going to met some guy that is there physically, and that she is going to be vulnerable to him. He may take advantage of the situation. You love her and you don't want her to get hurt anymore than you want to get hurt. I understand, and I wish that you could express that to your wife.

God bless us all......

ps....my father served in the Air Forces for nearly 25 years, I know what kind of a man you are, to place your life on hold to defend our country and countries that can't defend themselves. I pray that you can be home soon, and you, your precious children, and your wife can be together again. Thank you for keeping me and mine safe....

Answer 6

Explain that you understand how hard it is on her with you being so far away for so long. Let her know that you don't have a problem with her having friends, but you need her to be there for you when you call, because of how hard it is out there where you are. She may be trying to forget about where you are and the fear she lives with daily not knowing what each day is going to bring. The fact that I'm a military brat I saw the fear in my mom's eyes, the tears she cried and how brave she had to be when my dad was in Sadia Rabia. He was on the front lines too. So don't get so mad at her, she is dealing with fear the way she knows how and I Thank You so much for being over there for my freedom!!!! I know the sacrifice you are making and am praying for all the troops out there!!!

Answer 7

Awwww Im so sorry that ur going through this, especially cuz its not your fault your overseas. But Im sorry, you cant save your marriage if she doesnt want it to be saved. I mean its ok to let loose once in a while and give the kids up to a sitter and go clubbin once or twice a month but to make it a habit and try to rush you off, then something is wrong.

Shes on myspace?? Well that maybe an issue but check & see if her status says married/ proud parent or single...if its single then u gotta let her go, but if she just has a myspace page for the fun of it then there no harm in it.

Hope I helped & Good Luck ♥

Answer 8

Go home for a vacation and catch her by yourself personally. After you got an evidence, then file a a separation supported by your bundles of evidences. Then let your mother take care your kids, hire domestic helper to help your mom handle your kids, give your regular financial support to your kids and your your mother. After everything has been settled then try to go back for your work oversea, then find a new life to settle a new family.
If you can't do this sugggestion, then, be patient and accept whatever your wife is doing even cohabiting with other male friends while you are away from home.

Answer 9

Thank you first of all for serving this country, in all that you do. All the respect in the world to you for that. Some people on this site don't answer out of empathy as they are just writing the first thing that comes to mind, but I do understand what you are going through and know that this is a very crucial time in your life. You need to turn to God man, as is something that many find riduculous, but dude...I would not have survived all that has happened in my life, without God's help.

Answer 10

ok, main point: youre not around. when you really look at it. She has at least some emotions toward that. She's prolly hurt, or worried sick that tomorrow you wont be there. She needs something to take her mind off so she's not thinking of YOU all the time. Give her a break...what would you do if your wife was in a different country? Come back home safe and everything will be back to normal...

Answer 11

Just because she's saying married on my space doesn't mean anything. I do not think married people should go on there at all, it's asking for trouble ! She seems to avoid your phone calls in a way, maybe she's feeling a little guilty for something. But you really can do nothing right now because you are in Iraq, don't beat yourself up over it, if she would do something like cheat on you while you are there, is she really worth it?