My bf and I have been together for over two years. In July I had a baby who was full term and died at birth. Ever since it happened my bf has turned into a total jerk. I can tell that it is depression and he is being very self-destructive. He holds everything in and I think that is why he is being such an ****** towards everyone because he has so much anger and pain inside of him. To make a long story short he did something terrible while out on one of his drinking binges. (He didn't cheat but I don't want to get into what he did) What he did really really hurt me but he swears that he will start talking about his feelings and that he is done drinking and doesn't want to lose me. He sounds so sincere but it's going to be very hard for him to change. I don't want to let him go because we have been through so much together good and bad but I don't want to get hurt. Am I being a pushover by giving him another chance?
2006-10-07 16:55:09 · 31 answers · asked by Amaya 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
sit him down and tell him that you are in just as much pain and there is no reason to take it out on everyone else....
2006-10-07 16:57:37 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not being a pushover for giving him another chance but before you make that final decision..I feel that counseling needs to be put into place. The reason I say that is because if he's being self-destructive, depressed, and he has so much anger and pain inside of him he needs to talk with someone(if you can't get through to him) that can work with him and help him get rid of all the turmoil that's going on inside of him. If he has so much anger in him there could come a day when he may wind up hurting you really bad. (You know what I mean by "hurting"). He may not have meant to but something could just cause him to fly off the handle. (seriously) If he doesn't want to seek counseling by himself, tell him you will go with him and that it can help both of you get over the pain of losing the baby. Let him know that you love him and you only want what's best for you and him. This problem needs to be addressed RIGHT AWAY!!! It will work out best for the both of you in the long run.
2006-10-07 18:11:18 · answer #2 · answered by Stephanie H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you REALLY love him i would suggest this: You are right in knowing that it will take alot for him to change. I know this from experience, trust me. I was in the same situation sort of. I was the BF though. Here is what i think will work for you based on what i have been thru and what i wish would have happened.
Tell your BF that you have had enough, that you are leaving. Then actually leave or have him leave. I am not sure what your living situation is. Don't date while you are gone. Be gone but available to him. Talk to him while you are away. I believe that once he EXPERIENCES you gone and you dont do it in a bad way like with another guy or something, then he will eventually show you that he has changed. When you feel he really has changed and you have re-established a relationship, then reward him by moving back with him to live happily ever after.
Thats it. If he doesnt change then you win and if he does change then you super duper win!
Good luck.
2006-10-07 17:17:15 · answer #3 · answered by coffeisforclosers 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Struggles often reveal the true character of people. I don't know your BF, and can't tell you whether or not to stick by him.
You may have been through a LOT together, but maybe it is time to let go, and be apart. You said that he has been suffering, but apparently he has been so lost in HIS suffering that he has totally forgotten that YOU are suffering too. Instead of being there for you, he has added to your hurt. That really isn't right, but you know that. Only you can determine whether you can get past the hurt and trust him. If you believe that he is going to change and are willing to enforce that change- being sure he GETS the help he needs (especially if it means something serious like therapy or rehab, which may not apply to your situation), then you need to set the terms. You need to make your expectations known, and be firm. Be willing to accept it if you need time apart to heal. It may seem cliche, but the old saying about "letting something go and if it comes back, you know it was truly yours," it is true. It is better to find out if he is serious now, than years down the road when you are miserable and feel like time has just passed you by.
Forgiveness and love are not ignorant; but to take someone's word for something and not set the conditions would be. Take care of your heart first! Be strong!
2006-10-07 17:11:42 · answer #4 · answered by crimanetly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the two of you have been through some serious things. I don't think you are being a pushover by giving something a chance if it means that much to you. Sometimes, that is all we can do and if things don't work you have the peace of mind in knowing that you tried 100%, you did what you were capable of at that time, and you know for sure without worrying about what could have been. If he repeatedly makes the same mistakes, doesn't appear to be trying wholeheartedly, and is not respecting you and your feelings in the process, then you are being a pushover to continue.
Considering the emotional trauma you have both endured, there is going to be a lot of uncharacteristic behavior on both parts. It sounds like you are willing to support him emotionally but he needs to understand that you need emotional support, too. In a lot of ways, the pain will run deeper for a mother as she deals with the physical pain, emotional loss, and biological impact of the pregnancy and recovery. You need to attend to yourself as much as you do your relationship. If he is unable to cope with this, he may hurt you by adding more emotional issues, and robbing you of the energy to heal yourself.
I would say give it some time, be as understanding as you can be, take care of yourself, don't be selfish and don't let him be selfish either. This is something that you should get through together as it doesn't involve others directly. Don't let him place extra burden on you. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, so listen to your inner voice. Let him know that you are willing to be patient but you need to be met half way. It's give and take not take, take, take.
Have you thought of individual or couples counseling?
2006-10-07 17:11:13 · answer #5 · answered by JustTalking 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well...there is no clear cut method of healing....but you will know in your heart if what you have is worth the effort....You must decide. If it is in your mind, then no, your not being a pushover...you just have to communicate with your boyfriend and tell him you both have to get through this together. I wish you all the best, losing a child like that is something that brings pain and disappointment when expectations are high...But it is something that couples can get over...if they really beleive that all things happen for a reason...
2006-10-07 16:59:57 · answer #6 · answered by zeakster01 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is grieving. Everyone grieves in different ways. We always hurt the ones we love because we know that they will love us no matter what we do to them. Don't be a door mat for long. Discuss going to couples counseling. He may be able to get it out with guidance from the counselor. You have to find the right counselor though and that means find someone who wants to help you learn the necessary tools you need to cope and will help you in resolutions rather than saying " uh huh, whatever you say " type stuff. A good counselor is hard to find ...look on line and do some reading meanwhile to help you learn to cope.
I am grieving from the loss of my father and I swear my bf sometimes just doesn't even realize that I'm not all that happy in my life right now.....I get angry and take things out on him all the time. Little stuff, big stuff...anything..just so I can get the anger and frustration out! I need counseling too....damn it! lol!
2006-10-07 17:07:03 · answer #7 · answered by honeybee4u2c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Put a time limit and some real steps he needs to take on it. He probably means well but he has know idea HOW to go about healing. If you say that you will stay together for a month if he doesn't drink and gets grief counseling, he'll know what he needs to do. At the end of a month you can reevaluate the situation and see if it will be possible for you to stay together.
2006-10-07 17:00:41 · answer #8 · answered by Kuji 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost our son when he was only 4 months old so I know a little about what you are going through.
You aren't being a pushover, just cautious.Sit down with him and remind him that you are going through pain as well but that you want this to work between you. I suggest taking him at his word about changing but if he starts going back to his old ways don't be afraid of reminding him of his promise to talk about his feelings.
2006-10-07 17:10:20 · answer #9 · answered by theoriginalquestmaker 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My dear, you need to heal yourself. I don't think a self destructive signaficant other is a positive influence for you at the moment. I would suggest that you both get some sort of professional help to deal with side effects of losing a child. The fact that this young man is having "drinking binges" says to me that your feelings are not even being taken into account. Please impower yourself and worry about you and not someone who has no self control
2006-10-07 16:59:31 · answer #10 · answered by Lady J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You aren't being a pushover; you are being a caring forgiving person. However, I wouldn't just take him at his word...he obviously has some serious issues, as must you. I wouldn't take him back until he is signed up for some counselling, and it wouldn't hurt if you got some too considering your baby (I'm sorry to hear about that) and whatever happened with you two
2006-10-07 16:57:43 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋