How can wife & I talk about this?

Question

About 2 years ago something terrible happened in our marriage.

My wife & I used to give each other a night out while the other watched the kids. One night my wife was out with some friends drinking and they all decided to go back to a mutual friend's house. One of my closest friends took advantage of my wife while she was passed out after too much alcohol. We're not kids either she was 29 ahd he was 30. After it happened he left town and nobody has heard from him since.

This eats away at both of us for different reasons - but neither of us EVER talk about it.

How can we approach this?

Answer 1

Do you get counselling? Sounds like an issue for a therapist to help you work through.

Answer 2

We can agree that your situation was and is very tough to deal with...but talking about it does help, believe me. Both of you need to reassure each other that everything is fine, and you guys are strong enough to let it go and move on, but obviously to do that, you guys need to talk...its hard yes, but a must. Have her start about how she feels, she's embarrassed, scared, hurt etc... and you can reassure her, let her know you love her and nothing can ever change that, you trust her and completely know it is not her fault. Then you say what is bothering you, she will do the same... If you cant actually talk about it, try writing her an email or a note, telling her the same stuff, give her a chance to open up, let her say everything she wants...after you both have said everything, believe me you will feel like a huge weight have been lifted. The situation will still be there, but it only in the past ;)

Answer 3

What exactly is bothering the two of you about it? It was not her fault right? So are you angry about it because of her? If no then you need to make sure she knows this. Make sure you let her know that you don't blame her and that you are here for her. You both really need to get some couseling on this, seperate and joint. I've been raped in the past, so I know how she feels. But she needs to know that you are behind her on this, that you are there for her and that you don't blame her. And if you are having a hard time with it because someone else touched your wife you need to get passed it. You need to be able to be there for her, it's not about you at all it's about her. If she did not consent then you need to let go of any feelings other than feeling bad for what happened to her. And also it will do you no good to hold onto the anger towards this guy. He's long gone right? Anger and hate will eat you both up. You have lives to get back. You need to find it in yourself to let it go and just forget him. Deal with the emotional issues of it but deal with it on the level of the relationship between the two of you and forget him. I know it's easier said than done but when you hold onto a dark feeling like hate or anger it will only destroy the two of you. I wish you two the best of luck. You should really get some counseling, it really helps to talk to someone outside the situation and sometimes they can help you bring things to the surface that you didn't even know you were feeling. And if you want your marriage to stay strong then it's vital that you do this. Good luck!

Answer 4

I don't understand WHY it would be eating away at you...except that for some reason you seem to think that having a man rape your wife while she was passed out would be in some way HER fault. The only thing your wife could possibly be guilty of is drinking too much and passing out. Depending on the statute of limitations in your state this guy should be hunted, arrested and charged with rape. How YOU approach it is between you and your wife.

Answer 5

Communication is fundamental in any marriage but especially when a situation such as this presents itself. My suggestion is find a mediator--such as a councelor or clergy--if you can't approach the subject yourselves. She was passed out and taken advantage of---she did not seek to have sex with this man. She needs to know that you understand that part of it. She also will need counceling to come to terms with the fact that she was raped. This is big..But you can't let it go on much longer without some serious consequences in your marraige. Seek professional help to deal with ALL ASPECTS. Good luck

Answer 6

Some time when you are sitting around, (not on a romantic dinner or anything like that) just say, "hey, can I ask you a question? Remember that night when..." Then talk about it. You say it eats away at both of you, but how do you know if you never talk about it? You could be projecting your thoughts of her 'date rape(?)' onto her...meaning, you are the one upset about her being violated. Maybe she's trying to move past it, but you see her as stained or something.

By all means, bring it up, talk about it. Just tell her you have something on your mind and its eating away at you and you want to work thru it with her. Ask her to bring it up, talk about it more...if she wont, you do so, but only if you are moving forward, not just arguing about it or ignoring it.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Your wife was the victim of an assault...you have to get it straight in your own head that she was not cheating...she was basically raped while unconscious...get that part right.

You have to support her...this no more happened "in your marriage" than if it was her car that was stolen. She did not ask to become a rape victim, but, when you got married, you promised to be there for her, and love her. If you want to stay married, you have to stop making her suffer, and just listen to her.

This guy just couldn't have fallen off the face of the earth...if I was you, I would find him. You owe him a beating at least.

Answer 8

you know what, you and your wife NEED!!!! to talk about this, relationships NEED communication, and since you two are married why is neither of you taking to step to talk about this, and get it out of your chest instead of letting it build up tension between the two and over stressing. If you two really love each other, than don't hold yourself back from talking to your wife about it. Since she feels akward or what ever about this, than YOU take the first step, make her feel comfortable and let her know that it's okay to talk to you bout it, and just be there for each other, gosh! am i babbling on again, sowwie, hope this helps, gud luck ^_^ and try not to worry and THINK your words carefully before talking to her, cause she might take things the wrong way and stuff, newayz, buh byez foh now : )

Answer 9

Okay. Before you want to open this topic with each other, you have to know the answers to these questions:
-What is your purpose why you want to talk about something that happened TWO years ago?
-Would it do good to your relationship? Or would it only do harm?

There are just some things in life better left unsaid...

Answer 10

wow, 2 years ago ... it has obviously been weighing on both of you for some time .. I think you need to talk through it ..

I would recommend that you tell her that you would like to discuss it ... and set a time a few days away ... that's all for the introduction ... just give her a couple of days to know that you want to talk about it vs. just throwing it up one night and putting her on the spot.

Then you need to express your feelings and let her express hers. Since you have made it through the last 2 years, it sounds like you could calmly discuss it and I think it would be healthy for both of you.

Best of luck.

Answer 11

If it is eating away at both of you then it is eating away at your marriage. Get a counselor and go from there, you can get past this but not talking about it is only going to make a bad situation worse.