Can you please tell me what you think of the beginning?

Question

Jamie thought that when they moved it would be the worst thing of her life, because she had just made new friends. She was always moving because her dad was always getting stationed in new areas. The housing was pretty nice, but nothing really different than what she'd seen before. Everything was basically the same. The second day there she decided to take a look around, maybe check out the stores on the base. As she walked out, not looking where she was going, someone walked right into her, or more like she walked into them.
"Whatch where you're goin'" an deep accented voice said and when she looked up she saw a boy with dark brown hair, clear blue eyes, and a Stetson cowboy hat on.
"You live here?" she asked him, knowing the answer was probably yes.
"Yeah. What's it to you?" he wasn't the nicest guy yet, but with time she felt they could be good friends.
"I'm new here and was wonderin' if you could show me around some." she said hopefully, with a smile on her face.

"I guess, beats doing my homework." he said and that's when she realized that this new place wouldn't be to bad after all.

~~~will probably expand, just want your thougts please

~~~this was kind of like a freewrite piece, just kind of getting the idea down really

Answer 1

Sounds like you want a review on your creative writing rather than a an opinion about the beginning of a relationship. As storytelling goes, it is good as a seed planted, but depending on the ultimate intended length of the story, you need to flesh it out a lot more. I don't mean adding a lot of extra verbage, but tell the story more--Jamie helping her parents unpack before she goes out, with dialog that moves your storyline--action, not just telling us she is a military brat cruising the PX when she meets a rude cowboy. Plus, as plot goes, why would she be attracted to someone who is mean to her? Is she an ugly duckling, overly shy, or some other reason she'd be attracted to a guy who, after bumping into her, was not the one apologizing? Besides superficial reasons, why would she think they'd be friends when he starts out what as what we gentlemen refer to as "an asshole" ?

My degree is in writing, I tutored writing in college, and I've been working as a writer for years for the Army, so I understand much of where you seem to be trying to go with your copy. Keep working on it, and have a small circle of friends or fellow students (I presume you're a student) test read your material. If you intend to publish it later and make money, for pete's sake don't spread your material all over the net.

Answer 2

How about telling us what happened when she bumped into the guy. Did he take off his hat, wipe his sweaty brow and say "Shuwing!" or did he step backwards into an old lady who quipped "nice move big boy, but I'm married"

Add some of the jokes you and your folks/mates make when you're free thinking and fooling around.

If it makes you smile then there's a chance.

Answer 3

It's good, but I think you should revisit some of those adjectives for example you use the word 'nice' too much and the term 'nice' is too vague. Try to replace it with something more accurate that would illustrate the characters features more.

Answer 4

you could make it a bit more detailed. like tell us what she looks like, and be realistic.say she had the smile of an agel or something. tell us the boy was built and looked like he was the guy from her dream.....spice it up. if i was new some place ad probably say " am so sorry, and quickly move awy then the second meetinmg i would say hi. and flirt alittle bit. you know?
but your starting is good.

Answer 5

you might want to expound on where shes been and give some detail to what the base looks like

Answer 6

An end.

Answer 7

hmmmm
if you add a part about skinnydipping that would be awesome.

Answer 8

thats a good start