Is There Still A Chance?

Question

I am a 38 Year old M and married to a 33f we have been married for almost 7 months and have been together a year. We have really had a rocky relationship. Yes I love her. She says she loves me, but sometimes I really wonder. We have had our fights in which she has involved her family. I was mentally abusive. I am not anymore with thanks to my shrink and some work. I was never physical. I am ashamed and not proud of the names and she knows that. I guess when I am hurt it turns into anger and I say things I dont mean. She was lying a lot to me and It hurt. She also turned to her family whenever we had a problem or anything of importance came up. I feel left out. Anyways our sex life was great in the begining, well atleast for me it was, there are things I am limited to, because I am having back surgery tuesday, but anyways. For the last 4 months there has been no sex, none what so ever. What do I do and what would you think. Help please need some advice and some guidance.

Answer 1

Honey, if this marriage is going to work, then you both are going to have to work at it. You admitted to your faults, and that take a big man to take his share of the troubles. You are going to a doctor, does she go with you? Have you tried couple therphy?

If not, I would suggest it. She could be having a hard time getting over the name calling. Words hurt. You can say you are sorry a million and one times, but they are still there. Your wife could be still hearing them in her head. She may have forgiven you in her heart, but she needs to forgive with her mind too. It's very hard too. Actions do speak louder than words, but words linger....long after the roses have died. Do you understand what I am trying to say?

Have you ever told your wife that you feel hurt and left out when she runs to the family? She should put you first, as well as you should put her first. Families are very important, and when you were being ugly and mean to her, she proably didn't no who else to turn to, but now, she needs to know that she can depend upon you for emotional support.

Give her a call if she's at work, or go and ask her for a date tonight. Take her to dinner, wine and dine her just as did when you first met. Talk to her, and ask if to not only forgive you with her heart but with her mind. Ask her to erase those negative feelings, and that you promise to replace all those nasty things you said and called her with beautiful words and deeds....

Prove to her that you can be trusted with her heart and feelings again. Show her that you have changed, and that you are willing to work on the past wrongs, and ask her to work with you. I am praying that you can get through to her, and that the surgrey goes well, and you are once again healthy and happy....

God bless us all....................

Answer 2

You were doing all the negative things, which in her mind you are now even, because you have changed some. In truth, you probably have not changed totally, but are better at controlling your outward actions. Your subconscious actions though are still shining through.

Now you need to start gaining ground. Stop and buy her some inexpensive flowers on your way home from work. Write her a page or two about how much you love and value her. Ask her about her hopes and dreams in life, encourage her to talk, and truly listen to her, but do not offer her advice, or be thinking about other things to say to her; just listen as if you truly want to learn. then buy her small token gifts in accordance with those dreams. And start helping around the house, especially if she also works. And ask her to go out for walks after diner [it's quiet time, devoted to just each other].

These things should not all be done on the same day, nor should the gifts be expensive. You need to spread them out, and continue to do those sorts of things; for you are trying to prove to her how important she is to you. She needs to trust in you again, and know that you will be there, and it will be pleasant for the long run. Previously she could not trust in you [you might explode], so she went to her parents. Thus show her that you are her true friend; someone she can confide in; it takes time.

Also, realize that anger stems from fear, and it is fear, not hate, which is love's true opposite. Whenever you begin to get mad, ask yourself what it is you truly fear, mentally work through those fears to the end, and you will realize that most of those fears are unjustified. Thus they are not real, and need not anger you.

Answer 3

I know how you feel and what you are going through. If you are being honest with yourself and you have NO alterior motive and you are truly learning about yourself and becoming a better person then leave her alone. Don't presure her and if things fall apart because to much damage in the past then take your new understanding self and move on, someone will appreciate the new you! If you guys do survive it will be because you did not force yourself on her or give her guilt trips. It will take a lot of time to completely heel! Shrinks are like adding water and whalla it's perfect again! GOOD LUCK! Be real....

Answer 4

SEEMS LIKE SHE HAS A LOT OF SCELETONS ON HER CLOSET... OK, THE BEST THING U CAN DO IS TALK TO HER ABOUT ALL THAT. BUT MAKE SURE THE SITUATION IS RELAXED, SO IT WON'T TURN INTO A FIGHT AGAIN. MAYBE A ROANTIC DINNER OR SMTH... COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. AFTER ALL, U R MARRIED, U R A TEAM, U HAVE TO DEAL WITH UR PROBLEMS TOGETHER. THE OTHER IMPORTANT THING FOR A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS HONESTY. THAT'S THE BASE. IF IT NOT STABLE U CAN'T BUILD ANYTHING. SO, BETTER TALK TO HER, ASK HER WHAT SHE THINKS OF THE SITUATION U R INTO AND DOES SHE WANT U TO STAY TOGETHER AND TRY TO FIX THINGS.
ALSO TRY TO CHOOSE YOUR WORDS WERY WELL, COS THEY R A VERY POWERFUL WEAPON. AND DON'T LET HER INVOLVE ANYONE ELSE- KIDS, FRINDS AND MOST OF ALL HER FAMILY. IT IS YOUR LIFE, NOT THEIRS!!!

Answer 5

I know you regret what all has happened there between the two of you. You are putting that foot forward now and maybe in time it will heal. But you know once a woman is touched deeply like I am sure she has been , it is hard to go on with that person. Too much has maybe been said and too many things have been undone now. All you can do is do what you are doing, you have tried but don't soon give up. It may hurt and nothing may change it all now. So after you give it 150% all you can do is learn from all your mistakes. Good luck sweety and ya know My prayers will utter your name right now.

Answer 6

Your abuse has probobly made her feel pretty bad about herself, and even if you say you are fixed, she is probobly not. You need to start to rebuild your relationship with her, and you must rebuild the trust. Try a night created just for her tonight. Go back and recreate some of the memories of what made you two fall in love. Share yourself with her, apologize to her, let her know how beautiful she is, and that she is number one in your life. Tell her how much you appreciate her standing beside you through this tough time. Rekindle the attraction, and see where it gets you. Good luck to you both.

Answer 7

Perhaps you should both go to counseling then you will be able to say what is on your mind with a mediator to prevent harsh outcomes, I wish you luck and hope your back feels better (and your heart)!

Answer 8

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Unlike with men, sex for women can only happen when there is attraction, which can only happen when you're getting along. When you are acting ugly and saying ugly things, you look ugly to us, not attractive. That's why she can't have sex with you.

The best foreplay is getting along.
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