How do you move on with your wife after you have found out she has had a affair for three months?

Question

She has told me that it is over between them and wants to try to make it work between us but she treats me like her brother and not a husband. She has told me she wnats to take it slow, but at the same time, she cannot even tell me that she loves me. She also told me that when and if she wants to be my wife again, when she wants to be romantic she will let me know. We have slept together since I have confroted her, but I feel she is here because she feels guilty for waht she has done. I also feel that if I did not find out, she would have never told me, nor would she still be here. Need advice...

Answer 1

sorry to all you heart string people with the forgive and forget crap...."she will let you know?".....from what you have written, it is obvious she is playing you for a fool...She thought that little of you to go Way Beyond flirting, and what is she there at your home for?...No place else to go?...It's over with them so now its ok to use you now?.....Did the dude see she was a waste of his time and dump her?....You have all the answers to your question in what you wrote....You know what it really is, and that is gonna' be fair to you to stay in that kind of relationship?.....You really want to settle for that for YEARS to come....doesn't seem like a great life now does it.....She got caught!!!....and your being played!!!

Answer 2

I am very sorry to hear about your breakage.

I am nobody to judge so I will refrain from making comments on both parties.

However, I do know that in cases like this the following usually happens:

You forgive, find a way to deal with the pain and move on with your partner.

Or, you forgive, find a way to deal with the pain, and move on without her.

I do suggest however, that you take this one step at a time, your trust, manhood, love and life have not only been played with but betrayed as well.

You need to make sure that if you do stay, there is commitment from both parties and cooperation from the two of you, not only one, it takes two to make a marriage work.

And one more thing, over all things, do not let her mistreat you and dont feel alone, although most of us girls are usually the ones that end up being hurt, men are sometimes the exception so dont feel bad about all this abuse.

Find someone you trust and express your feelings to them.
If you find it hard to explain to your wife the damage she has done, write her a letter, or send her an email, and do this until you can both sit down and TALK FACE TO FACE.

Answer 3

I'm no expert, but it seems to me that you both must own your "stuff" as to what each did to derail the relationship/mar-riage.

It also sounds like there is a power play at work here--she thinks she has the upper hand and is playing at being the most injured party and so gets to call the shots on the nature, value, and future of your marriage/relationship. This is so: N-O-T.

I think much of your sense of where she's coming from (since she's been, indeed, caught out and can't hide anymore) may have a good bit of validity. This, in turn, makes me question her real intent and commitment to the relationship.

In sum, get an objective and disinterested 3rd party in here (marriage counseling or counseling for yourself if she won't go) and watch your bank accounts, credit cards, etc., like a hawk--or at least until you are certain that you are both working on the marriage and are both truly vested in saving it. Good luck.

Answer 4

You dont have to put it back together if you dont trust her. three months is a long time to be lying every day. I couldnt do it...and wouldnt it seem kind of fake if she didnt even want to be romantic with you? She was probably having feelings for this guy for it to be going on for so long and no she sure as hell wasnt going to tell you that. Sometimes it's okay to say it's too late. I hope you find someone that can love you better.

Answer 5

decide what is most important to you. Your marriage or your pride. Do you think that you will be able to forgive her and make a fresh start. It is my belief that a marriage is over when there is only one person trying to make it work. The days ahead will not be easy and will require an effort from both of you. You may even have to consider professional help with this, but if you think your marriage is worth fighting for then do whatever you have to do to do.

Answer 6

If you can't completely accept that she cheated, put it behind you and never think about it again; there is no way you can get over it. And it sounds like you have your doubts about that. I hate to see marriages end but if you can't accept and move on, you will always have conflict and pain being with her.

And don't think that I wouldn't have the same feelings you are having, I would, but I couldn't bring myself to forgive my husband and I would only make things worse by questioning his every move...and a healthy relationship would never have question or doubt.

The fact that she cheated on you means she doesn't value your relationship at all...it doesn't matter how much she apologizes, she still did it and that went against the "forsaking all others" vow of marriage. And you don't deserve to be cheated on or have your wedding vow's treated like nothing.

Good luck on your decision and life ahead of you.

Answer 7

I wonder if she actually cheated and was it emotional versus physical. Hmm. Anyway. She DOES seem to be calling an awful lot of shots. Why are you letting her run the show without your equally considered input too? What are YOU guilty of? It takes two to tango.

Blunt, I know....

Marriage counseling will help both of you, and possibly individual counseling too. You both sound like you need an outside, unbiased opinion of what you're doing to yourselves and each other. Mother and friends or coworkers or pastor: biased. Counselor: unbiased. (Unless you've been talking a storm about her already.)

Answer 8

Woman dont cheat for sex they cheat for an emotional need. It appears your wife found this need with a guy and after 3 months she realized he wasnt going to meet it either. The two of you need to seek counseling. You have the power and need to decide what you want from the relationship. If she wont comply then seek an attorney and gather as much evidence as possible of her affair, it will help you immensly when alimony is decided.

Answer 9

you are her security blanket...she wants to be there with you but not in marriage...thats why she treats you as her brother...she is too comfortable...reason i say that is because she has no problem at all telling you things that a wife should not being saying to her husband, you are a good man...though i don't know you on a personal level...but you are letting her get away with too much...she doesnt see you the way that you see her...and the only reason she told you that it was over between them is because she knows deep down inside, that he is not going to take care of her the way that you do...she probably is nothing more to him but a booty call...she just wants to whore around...while she has a good man at home...that is morally wrong...but i can't tell you to leave your wife only you can make that decision...follow your heart...you already know that this isnt a healthy relationship...but you are a good man who is willing to make it work...she is very lucky to have you...but in my personal opinion i think you deserve much better...good luck...

Answer 10

Honestly you guys should see a marriage therapist. There is nothing wrong with this. You will have a middle person to help you and your wife work out any problems you have and it will be easier to express how you feel and to work that out.