How to placate buddhist boyfriend who thinks I make things complicated insted of simple (as they ought to be.)

Question

I have a child and pets, and responsibilities. He's really into buddhism, particularly Krishnamurti. When we were just dating, things were great. Once he started spending time with me in my surroundings (last 6 months; after two years of dating) he got frustrated. He feels relationships and just living in general ought to be simplified, and I just complicate it. (Mind you, this after a big move which required long hours, the water not being on for the first two days at the new house, and a car that broke down...) None of these things stressed me, I take them with a grain. But they really frustrated him. He's not really specific with me about the details, or I would be more specific. He just seems to get really irritated with normal things that happen in life. Does anyone know what he is looking for? What can I do? Anything? Anyone? I see him tomorrow after three weeks of post-move break... I want to keep it simple, but I'm not quite sure what or how to? Still overanalyzing, huh. /sigh

Answer 1

For a moment forget about your boyfriend as he is, see him as someone who is offering you an important life lesson here. So look out for all the reasons you might have attracted such a relationship in your life, what part of you does he deem to heal in you, what exactly are the button we manages to push each time so easily, as if cosmically designed to do so. Is he in any way repeating a relationship from your past or early childhood or at least a part of it?

Once you find that, and heal that you would be free of the lesson and then you can stand up and say what you feel to him clearly, affirmatively and in way that can take both of you towards the bliss that you so miss in real life.

As I see him here is a man so deep in spiritual thought or inner bliss that he can no longer handle his external life, and here are you someone who is already all that he is trying to achieve through thought, but your lesson now is to practice what he is preaching so vehemently to you, so I might be tempted to suggested you to read a bit of his book, so that you know exactly where is he coming from or what is that he is exactly trying to communicate through you, sometime you can ever remind him of what he has been preaching to you. That way you both grow in this relationship.

Answer 2

Personally, I feel that he is using the issue of "Buddhism" as a cope out, or sophistry to b i t c h and complain and render his "Buddhism" as a justification for his criticism and to explain away his b/s. Where is the serenity and wisdom Buddhists are known for? Tell him to grow up and on his way out, not to let the door strike him on his butt. He's just a b/s artist. I bet he's got a comment for everything, too. He's just an over-critical a s s; tell him to shut up, lump it and get out.

Here are three "themes" that he should be familiar with:
Belief
If we had no belief but goodwill, love and consideration between us, there would be no wars. (p183, The First and Last Freedom.)
Peace
To live peacefully means not to create antagonism. (p184, The First and Last Freedom.)
Love
Love is not different from truth. Love is that state in which the thought process, as time, has completely ceased. Where love is, there is transformation. Without love, revolution has no meaning, for the revolution is merely destruction, decay, a greater and greater ever-mounting mystery. Where there is love, there is revolution, because love is transformation from moment to moment. (p288, The First and Last Freedom.)
SOURCE: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiddu_Krishnamurti

Answer 3

Over thinking. If you start to "over think" about something, all you're doing is confusing the issue, rather than solving the problem. What was once simple, now becomes complicated. Greed ... enough is never quite good enough even if you have the resources to live the "good life." There's nothing wrong with living the "good life." However, when the "good life" over extends the resources then things become more complex. Yes, some people make life more complex and complicated for themselves when it really doesn't have to be that way at.all.

Answer 4

Difficult to advise confidently and properly without hearing the other side of the story.

But whatever is on board here, seems to suggest very clearly that your man is not capable of leading a family life.

If he is not the father of your child, just forget him very quickly and get another partner. And of course even if you need to move into yet another house.

On the other hand, if he is the father of your child, you may like to give him some more time to settle, especially ensuring he gets more and more to interact with the child.

Hope this immediate response helps. Best of luck.

Answer 5

Hmmm. I think the point is to find your own centre of calm amid the chaos. This is the modern world & things go wrong. It sounds like you're a better Buddhist than he is if he's the one getting irritated & frustrated! Tell him to find his Zen. We can't all sit on a mountaintop and meditate. Real life means cars breaking down & things going wrong. The point is not to sweat the small stuff. How does he want you to simplify your life? Give up your house & car & pets & responsibilities? He sounds like a dreamer to me. I would simplify your life by letting him go!

Answer 6

i married the same man 25 years ago. know what happened? he gradually got more "worldly" and able to handle complications with an ease that was admirable. But it took years for him to learn. I fussed about it from time to time, but i didn't try to change him. But i never tried to be like him, either. i saw that when he couldn't deal with life and he got "simple" on me, he never complained that i took care of things for him. I think it is both a valid desire to have peace, and also a cope out from having to take responsibility. we got divorced after 20 years and we are both happier. He is still a buddist when it is easy for him, and I'm still managing my life well. maybe we are both full filling our individual natures.

Answer 7

"Buddhist" or not, your boyfriend sounds pretty emotionally unavailable. If he is not able to verbalize his feelings and 'reacts' when life offers complications then he is using the desire for a "simple life" as an excuse to avoid complications and emotional expression (his own and those of others). Emotional maturity isn't indicated by a life without conflict; it is indicated in *how* we handle the conflict which is inevitable.

Answer 8

He does not seem to be a real Buddhist. When Angulimal threatened to cut off the head o Buddha he was very calm and said "please do it if it would make you happy"
Your boy friend is frustrated because there was some water shortage and a car break down?
Think can he face life?
Krishna murty is not a Buddhist. He was theosophist.

Answer 9

I understand his frustration. He wants the peaceful, simple life and is frustrated because he cant find it within himself. So he looks to the external world for things to blame. The simple life has to start within and will be reflected in the external environment. Perhaps you are his teacher.

Answer 10

You sound more Buddhist than your friend. The true message of Buddhism is to look into the self- Your friend seems to be focusing on what you are 'doing' rather than his own reactions. Acceptance of one eachother-the way we are, is a gift- That is wisdom. We are mirrors of eachother. He is looking for himself- but he is looking for it in you........... What he doesn't like about you- is what he doesn't like about himself.

Good luck- enjoy the process- somehow. Try to not worry about these things too much.