Why does my husband do this?

Question

My husband and I are in our late 20s, and have been married for almost 3 years. He had one previous partner before we were married, and I had none.

I have a very high libido, and find that I am 'up for it' at least a couple of times a week. He always says that he has a high libido too (and promised lots of nooky after we were married, as we waited). However, it doesn't happen. If I am lucky, I get some twice a month (usually about once every three weeks).

HOWEVER, I find that he looks things up online (never hardcore stuff), and then 'pleases' himself. We have discussed how this makes me feel, and he always says that he'll stop, but he never does. He says he doesn't set out for the end result, but sometimes he just happens to get very aroused by what he's looking at. I please myself solo a lot.

My question is this: how can I get him to stop looking at these things, and to start wanting to be intimate with me? He says he still fanices me as much as when we were dating. Help?!

I should mention that:

1 - I know he has a certain fetish, and I play up to that for him
2 - I'm willing to try/do ANYTHING (I'm more kinky than him, I'm pretty sure!).
3 - I've tried dressing/acting sexy for him. He says that when I try to seduce him it's a turn off.
4 - He says that when I talk about wanting sex it's a turn off.
5 - Any time I try and initiate sex, it usually means that he gets upset with me, and it prolongs the non-sex time.
6 - I do all sorts of things for him, and he never returns the favour (girls, you know what I'm talking about). Plus, I always try my best to turn him on in the ways he likes best, but he doesn't ever do the things I ask him (even if I say it will turn me on a lot).
7 - When we do have sex, it's FANTASTIC, and there are times that I think my toes won't uncurl. Even when I tell him this, it doesn't inspire him to have more performances!!

Answer 1

OK Ive been married 5 years now and in pretty much the same situation just the other way around. she's never interested. first off he will not stop looking at women while out or on the Internet. if he says he will he's lying. walk around in your birthday suit often. or some revealing. just play it off like it's normal behavior. don't pay any attention to him. even at the supper table where very little. but don't try to entice him. if he's a normal guy like it sounds like he'll give in.
ps. also friendly peice of advice learn to accept his looking at women online because if you don't this might hurt your relationship in the long run. just tell him he can look but he can't touch.

Answer 2

Yeah I see your point. If he just had a low sex drive that would be fine. But the masturbation would piss me off too. Especially since it seems to happen a lot.

But let me shed light onto the whole masturbation thing. I have heard from men that it is appealing over sex sometimes because it is entirely self serving. They don't have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and it is quick. So maybe it doesn't have to do with you.

How willing are you to try new things? Maybe he would like to incorporate some porn into your sex life. For example making a tape or watching while having sex. How about masturbating in front of one another? If that is too much maybe you could just try some different lingerie or toys. Ask him what he likes. This is all about communication. I don't know how expressive he is. Give him the openness to tell you whatever he feels he needs to.

As far as the computer stuff goes, I'd let it go for a bit and see how things go with trying to get him to tell you some new things he'd like. If you've tried everything, then I would let him know you think that counseling may be in order because you aren't happy and you want to get to the bottom of it. Maybe that will motivate him. if not, find a therapist to see what's up. You deserve better.

This is something I think about sometimes because I have a higher sex drive than my boyfriend. I think it makes men uncomfortable to not have to pursue sex. They have it in their heads that women are supposed to not be sexually aggressive. However I do think some better communication would help your situation a lot. Put your foot down and demand his cooperation in trying at least. He married you and promised to do his best to make you happy. Good luck!

Answer 3

first suggestion:
Look at the history folder on the computer and find out what lights him off. If it is something you can do or imitate, surprise him with it. If it's something you haven't tried (but have a touch of curiosity towards) don't be afraid to take a shot at it.

In my experience, women have difficulty making the first move, so if it is something you know you can handle, get after it.

NO FEAR. You are all about pleasing your husband, aren't you (you know you will get yours, right?) , so get down to it, girl!

BTW, I've been with the same woman for 23 years, and she doesn't "flip my switch" because she has become apathetic to my needs. Don't let it happen to you two. If you are getting some every 3 weeks, you are doing better than we are!

Answer 4

Even though you probably bring some of your own issues to the marital problems, you are not the cause of his sexual addiction...

...At some point, it would be useful for the two of you to continue to explore this and other concerns. For now, he must own his problem with pornography and get both professional help and peer support. He should be evaluated by a psychiatrist to see if he needs medication for his depression or to help him control his addiction. There is some evidence that medication can help. He should consult a therapist with an expertise in addiction, as well as seek out support groups such as Sex, Love Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous. You need to learn more about this problem and get support for yourself, too. There are also self-help groups for partners of people with this problem. Once he has addressed this problem, and has maintained what is called "sobriety" for a reasonable period of time, it would be useful to return to couples therapy.

There are an increasing numbers of men and women who have recognized that they are addicted to some form of sex, especially on the Internet, and there's more and more help available. You can locate a support group by checking your local phone books, or searching the web under "sexual addictions."

Answer 5

I have the same problem. I've had the same problem through several relationships. It was the cause of the end of them. I've always wondered what is wrong with me. I'd suggest sabotaging the computer so that he can't do it, and then if he goes out and purchases a new one instead of having sex with you, he has a problem that you can't help. Leave him, or have an extramarital affair. I know that sounds harsh, but I'm angry for you because I know how you feel.

Answer 6

Sexual behavior of the hubby is uncontrollable remotely by you.
Let him do what he wants, and participate to his stuff, you might get your share as well. It appears that both of you are pretty much into it but in different ways. Mix the pathes and I am pretty sure you will enjoy...
(twice a week is a bit slow motion though... try everyday...)

Answer 7

There is nothing wrong at looking at naughty pictures, and as far as pleasing himself...he was doing it long long before he met you....its normal and healthy. Try to actively involve yourself in his little habit...he will either find it a huge turn on or you will gross him out and he will tone it down. If you want the ultimate response...let him "catch" you pleasing yourself and if you want to be really really mean...make some noises that he has never heard...that will get the old brain ticking lol.

Answer 8

You say these things ...what are these things,...He is getting what He wants from these things,.... it maybe that you can't or wont or have not got what He wants ......do you know all of His sexual history from when He was say six (still a child ,..was He ever molested, he may not want to tell you ) are these things you speak of sometimes male oriented......One thing is for sure He will not just stop ....help by way of counseling maybe the way to go ...

Answer 9

Why he does it? My only gues is that he is very turned on by a certain aspect of the female body, (Or perhaps facial features) that you don't have. (Don't panick, he's not going to leave you over it.) I myself am guilty of the same thing... doesn't mean I don't LOVE my wife to death, and want her sexually... a lot.

Getting him to stop? One thing that will get a guys FULL attention is sexiness... act, dress, or do something sexy.

One time my wife was wearing something sexy and called me "Mr. ..." that got my attention for quite some time.

Answer 10

put on a witch's hat and a fake witch's nose with a big wart on the end. then put in false jagged rotting teeth. cackle a lot and fondle him. the jerk him off with i nice lubricant while you cackle the whole time. i think may find yourself becoming his favorite pass time rather than the internet. if he doesn't leave the internet you will at least find that he is now burning up search engines with the word "witch".