how do i teach my boys that their dad is not a good dad?

Question

without being shi*ty about it? i dont want to just say that they shouldnt look up to him but they shouldnt look up to him.

divorced. 6 and 8 and very smart. im always talking him up to them and hes a moron. i will let them learn it. they are smart. and they know me.

Answer 1

You shouldn't. Under no circumstances should you ever put down their father. Father, present/absent @sshole/saint is the role model for every boy and the source of the self-esteem of all men on the planet. Any comment you make about him is not less destructive than if you levelled it at your boys. Mothers who berrate and complain about the behavior of the father's of their children raise sons who cannot succede in relationships because their role-model was a failure in his relationships. Their sons cannot attract women because they're terrified of the judgement of women. If you want to help your sons get over a bad father make them spend time with a better Role Model.

Answer 2

I'm guessing you have valid reasons for discouraging contact like abuse, drugs or other acceptable reasons.

Depending on thier ages I would first make sure they understand how a dad or adult should treat kids. Since it seems yours are perhaps old enough to ask you about him or want to seek him on thier own try to be as honest as you can but in the same vein not vindictive.

Example and compare might work well- ask if they agree adults using drugs or hitting and hurting people is worng and if they would not want to be with people who do those things or worry about having to interact with someone who did those things. Then state that not wanting to be with people who are dangerous is why you left their father and that you feel it is simply not 'safe; for them to spend time with or speak to him right now. You made need to explain who drug addicts and abusive people hurt others by stealing or having dangerous behaviours. You may need to also explain that the polic would hold you responsible for 'allowing' them to knowingly go somewhere unsafe or where illegal things may be occurring as well.

Hopefully these are helpful, it is difficult to be specific without knowing why dad is out of the picture exactly.

Answer 3

I hate to sound cruel, but those kids are going to look up to him, and they're supposed to. Your job was to pick a mate who would be a good father. If you blew that, the kids are going to have a hard enough time as it is, without their mother talking s&%t about their father.
Better than trying to undo their biological imperatives would be to correct your own mistake. First off, make better choices in men from now on, so that the boys have a better model to emulate. Second, when their father screws up, be there for them. They'll appreciate and learn from that a lot faster than if you're talking s&*t about him. Lastly, be active and protective of the boys, so that they know they can count on you to look out for them. Then they might not cling to their biological father so much.
Sorry to be harsh, but a mother telling her sons that their father is a bastard is pretty much a guaranteed way to screw up the sons. It was your mistake to have babies with an ******. Learn from it, and give your sons what he won't.
Good luck.

Answer 4

You don't. Think about this for a moment. If you say something bad about their biological father, then you are saying something is bad about the boys too.
You might not directly say something is bad about the boys but it may get internalized that way. After all, I presume the boys are a product of you and their father.
I remember reading an article, years ago, about how talking poorly about an ex to the kids is an indirect way of putting down the kids. The article went on to say that children internalize those comments to mean that they are also bad since one parent is pointing out the poor qualities of another parent.
So what I would suggest that you do is let the boys figure out for themselves about their father. Eventually they will figure it out and act accordingly. You just be the best parent, to them, that you can be.

Answer 5

Are you married to/living with the dad? And also how old are the kids? If they are very young (under 8) it is easier to instill certain values...if their dad lies a lot you just teach them lying is bad. As long as your children know whats right and wrong and follow that example before the actions of their dad your kids should be alright. Maybe the dad also KNOWS he's not a good dad and wouldn't mind telling the kids not to look up to him. Otherwise it seems it's up to you.

Answer 6

Find other role models and praise them.

Read them stories from the newspaper similar to what their dad does that you don't like, and express strong disapproval of those people and those things.

Find the ONLY good thing about their father and praise it, saying that sometimes it's hard to find something good, but if you try hard enough, it can be done. Be sure to never praise anything else (even though you don't criticize anything else about him).

If they say nice things about him, shush them by saying "We're not talking about him right now." Be sure to change the subject.

Without ever saying an unkind word about him, you will have communicated your value system and reset the expectations of your little men.

Good luck!

Answer 7

why would you want to.he is there father.children have a way of figuring that out on there own. dont forget they are 1/2 of him.all your telling your boys is that are 1/2 bad also. i see you said boys. why hurt them just because you had no better sense. after all you picked him to be there father. so the next time you want to say something bad about the father you gave them go in the bath room lock the door and look in the mirrow and tell your self how you should of done better. but please do not ever tell your boys.

Answer 8

leave the boys alone they will realize as they grow what their father is about. if you try to tell them how bad he is they will begin to resent you and think he is the greatest. I have had to do this with my kids since my separation. it is hard not saying anything but I notice the older my children get the wiser they are becoming and they see the bad i saw in their father and have done this on their own. once a spade always a spade and eventually their true colors come out even with the kids and they will see this and realize what has happened and why.

Answer 9

If you don't think he is a good role model, it would probably be best to find a few good role models in the community for the boys to look up to. Instead of saying negative things about their dad, say positive things about an uncle, grandfather, or other person that you would like your boys to emulate. The boys love their dad, and if you start saying things against him, your boys may turn on you. Don't talk about their father at all, and they will probably be more likely to listen to you.

Answer 10

Don't do this. You'll destroy their self esteem and ruing their feeling about men and therefore ultimately themselves. Try to be a good influence and instill in them good values and good judgement. Never speak negatively in any way about their Dad. Just tell them that some of the things that happen with him are not acceptable with you and trust they'll grow to use and hold the values you hope they will. Ultimately you only have a hand in who they become. How would you like me telling them that you're not a good mom for asking this question?