How do continue to stay in a marriage if you evolve as a person over the years, but your wife does not?

Question

Basically the situation is that having married 7 years ago, I feel I have changed and evolved a lot as a personality, as to the person I am. I probably realize my choice of marriage was out of passion and haste, and not giving much thought to who I really am, and if it is the right decision to marry a person like her. The relationship seems to be going fine on a regular basis, but the emotional connection seems to be missing. I don't think she tries to understand who I really am, and I have given up the effort to try and explain myself. Meanwhile I meet a person who is really I feel is of that mindset that I feel comfortable talking to, being myself with and maybe fallen in love with. Commitment and love for my daughter stops me from thinking of separation.

Answer 1

You are the only one who knows the situation for what it really is. And, yes people evolve, mature, gain wisdom. It's really a wonderful thing. I'm sure your wife has loved you through all of it. If she stays home with your daughter, there isn't much she is going to be subject to, so it would be hard for her to grow as a person, she has grown as a mother and a wife.
It is great that you meet people you feel comfortable with, it doesn't mean you have to be with them. A lot of people will "get you" but they can't replace your wife and family.
It's possible she may feel the same way in some respects, maybe you could find comfort in talking to her, rather than another woman.
Maybe you guys need a chance to reconnect, as grown ups this time. You could be so focused on your own growth that you are missing hers completely. Marriages seem to end when people give up. Do you want to give up? Would you put more effort into your career, or a friend? My point is, she has stuck by you through all of your changes, she may be very proud of you. She deserves to know that you are feeling this way. You will feel so much better after you talk to her.

Answer 2

Wow, I didn't know marriage is supposed to be this disposable because u have failed to explain to her your side of the story in a language she can understand. Ok, so u fall in love with someone else and now u think this "other" person understands u a whole lot better than your wife. What happens when say 5 yrs down the line, u outgrow her too? Are u going to keep walking out because u find that someone doesn't meet your expectations afterall?

The truth is, people change. U are not going to be the same person 7 yrs ago and I bet your wife isn't either. But somewhere along the way, u both have lost touch with each other. Maybe there was a break down in communication somewhere. I suggest u keep trying to work it out and don't just give up so hastily. Afterall, do u even know where your wife is at, as far as where in life she is?

Answer 3

People change and grow over time, but when the marriage doesn't grow with the people, then the lack of emotion shows.

Talk to her about how you fell that you have changed, and if she realizes that or not. Maybe she might feel that you have changed into a person that she didn't fall in love with. Ask her if she really knows you as a person, not just the guy she is married to. The marriage is able to regain the emotional connection, but it will require work from both you and her. You both need to want to work on it, and want to get to know eachother again.

Answer 4

This is probably not the answer you are looking for, but I hope you think hard on it...

First, if you truly think back to when you and your wife first met, I think you will recall many of the same feelings of connection to her that you now feel for this new person. Relationships have ups and down...you're just in a rough spot. This is where true character shows. You can take the easy way out, and go for what is new and exciting, or you can dig in and work it through.

First step, you are letting this other person put your family in jeopardy. It is not going to be easy, but you need to keep away from her. Tell her you have a family, and you need to try to work it out with them. IF she is as respectable a person as you think, she will completely understand and not DARE try and ruin your marriage.

As a woman, I can say I would have problems trusting a man who was not completely faithful to his wife and daughter. And, even if you are only having conversations that are leading in that direction with her, you are still being unfaithful...
You may end up ruining the new relationship just on how you began it.

Additionally, no matter how well you hide it, if you move forward with this other woman, no matter how things go, your daughter will find out. How will she look at you? Maybe you can explain it away when she is young enough, but as she gets older, you are the man who cheated on her mother and broke up her family. She'll questions every relationship, and will have trust issues with every man. After all, if your own father doesn't love you enough to work through it, who will?

Answer 5

Be careful. Are you sure you're not using the'i've evolved' thing as an excuse to explain your attraction to another person? You're not really married very long and it's not called 'the 7 year itch' for nothing. Perhaps your wife and you have settled into a routine that you feel bored with.. with a young daughter to take care of your wife is probably unaware of what's happening with you. You probably feel the spark has gone out of your relationship and whilst you believe your restlessness to be seismic changes in your evolution as a person, your wife has also changed from the person she was too. Life marriage and children does that. You wonder if this is all there is and you can see the same old sameold stretching endlessly out before you. Starting a relationship with another woman will solve nothing, you'll feel more alive for a while, you'll feel young, desirable, loved but sooner or later you'll find yourself back where you started with a much bigger mess to sort out. Make time for you and your wife to spend together.. you will rediscover things that made you fall in love with her in the first place. She has given you your beautiful daughter, surely you can give her the chance to be the woman you asked to marry you 7 years ago.Be honest with yourself and be honest ith your wife.

Answer 6

Personally, I think what you have there is a lack of communication. You say that you have tried talking to your wife about this but she is not really making an effort to understand. Am I right? if this is so maybe you should lay your cards on the table and tell your wife that you can't survive emotionally in a relationshilp that is not connecting on a deeper level. If she loves you enough she will do her best to seek personal growth and evole with you. If she will not make the effort maybe she is not the right woman for you. May I suggest a trial separation.

Answer 7

People/personalities change from year to year- so relationships do too. Think about the friends you have had over your life. It's very rare to keep the same ones over your ENTIRE life-because your interests change. The same things happen with marriages/relationships. You committed to her for your life.
Sometimes it could be riding it out-working it out- counseling that gets you back on track.
Get away from the other person- focus on your wife/family/marriage. Then and only then, if it doesn't work- should you think about someone else.
Otherwise, your just the guy who left his wife for another person.
(and once a cheat....always a cheat- your new lady would always think that too)

Answer 8

OK -

First and foremost - you have a daughter - so let go of all this touchy-feely crap. You are a father and that is your number one responsibility above all other. You have to put up with every strange, wierd, idiosyncratic thing that your wife does because she is the mother of your child. Sorry - but you are the one that got her pregnant.

So, with that in mind, let's investigate the nature of your question.

I would challenge you - how much have you really evolved and grown? How much of that is fantasy, childish delusions, wishes, etc.? Most men don't evolve or grow very much, if they know what's good for them.

Second, what business is it of yours if your wife evolves or not? She is who she is and you have NO CONTROL over her. As soon as you try to exert control over your wife you KILL the relationship.

So, here we are - basically all this crap is YOUR FAULT.

My advice is to:

Be strong, confident and masculine in everything you do around your wife and daughter. Remember, the man you are now is the man your daughter will marry. What kind of man do you want your daughter to marry?

Listen to your wife without judgement.

Give her what she needs sexually, but only when she wants it. Sex in a marriage isn't for you.

Don't argue with her, ever. She will always win.

Do sweet, tender, loving stuff for her as often as possible. Flowers around the house; little notes telling her how much you love her. She has given you the greatest gift a woman can give to a man - a child.

Dude - bottom line is to grow up. Your daughter is counting on you.

FP

Answer 9

First of all, marriage is about evolving, growing, and changing together, not apart. You should never be talking with someone else about your problems or your dreams more than you do with your wife, especially another woman. You made the decision when you got married to stick with it for better or for worse, and I believe that you can be happy with anyone as long as you work at it. Also, you choose who you love, it is not some unstoppable force that you have no control over, you need to work at falling back in love with your wife, you can't just leave her in the dust because the passion is gone, this is where the actual love comes in. Share yourself with her, don't shove it at her, and let her do the same. Get to know who she is and what she is all about, I'm sure there's more to her than you know. I would stop conversing with this other woman immediately if you care about your daughter and your wife at all. The best things in life take a lot of work and marriage is one of them. Good luck

Answer 10

You should go ahead and get the separation because if the thought of someone else is entering your mind and you think you love this person the relationship is over already!! I'm usually the optimistic one in my group but I can't ignore the fact that someone else has already stepped in the picture!! My fiance and I were just talking about how much he has changed since he's been in drug and alcohol treatment and how we practically had to start over from scratch and how well I adjusted and we still see eye to eye over 90% of the time!! If I hadn't accepted and at least tried to understand the new him our relationship would've been in danger and possibly failed!! I love him too much to let that have happened and I believe your wife should feel the same way unless the "new" you is just that incompatible with her! If that's the case then once again the relationship is over already. Maybe marriage counseling will help her to understand you!!