Can somebody please tell me a joke that will make me laugh uncontrolably???

Answer 1

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries
once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there
is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Ned....Your neighbor from 40 miles away....
Having a party Friday....Thought you might like to come.
About 5..."

"Great" says Sam, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Ned is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...
There's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem....after 25 years in business,
I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops.
"More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Ned turns from the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam.
"I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I bring?"

Ned stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

one more.....

Top 40 things you’ll never hear a redneck say...

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Answer 2

Like Athena, I think the problem requires more than a joke (although some of the jokes are truly funny). You are an unique being, one of we small gods who are responsible for creating the structure and day to day activity of the universe. You are also specifically a member of the so-called human race on planet Earth. We, as a group, are in the process of overpopulating and disrupting the ecology of the entire planet. Global warming is perhaps the worst result of our heedless activities. Our survival depends on us all getting our minds together and creating a society that places first importance on care of the planet. If you consider these facts, you will realize that none of us has the time to indulge in the idea of being bored. There is simply too much important stuff going on to act so self absorbed and narrowly focused on our own little personal preoccupations. Besides, the best theory I can find says that we are all immortal, and our future progress depends on what we do now. Start paying attention to what is really important. Read a lot. Try Discover magazine. Get real.

Answer 3

a woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach.
she sees a really hot guy running down the beach so she starts crying really loud.
the guy runs over to her and asks what is wrong.
she says she has no arms and legs and that no man has ever hugged her so the guy gives her a hug.
later she sees another hot guy running and starts crying again.
this time she tells the guy that no man has ever kissed her so the guy gives her a kiss.
later she sees another hot guy and this time goes for broke.
she starts crying again and this time tells the guy that no man has ever screwed her.
the guy thinks for a second, picks her up, and tosses her into the ocean then yells "now your screwed!!"


I went to a wedding , just outside my hometown of Limerick in Ireland a few weeks ago. everything was going great untill all of the sudden bride's and groom's families had a storming rage wrecking the reception room.
Finally police get called in.
Next week, all members appeared in court. The fight continues in the court, the Judge finally brings calm by shouting "Silence."
The court room goes silent and I stood upand told the judge i was the best man, and I can explain what happened."
The Judge agreed to let me speak, so I told him that it is traditional in a Irish wedding that the Best Man gets the 1st dance with the Bride.
The judge "OK."
"After I had finished the 1st dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, then to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates"
The Judge instantly responded. "Ow.. that must have hurt!"
So I replied "HURT!.. He broke three of my ******* fingers!"


These made me laugh pretty hard

Answer 4

Gorge Bush Making a smart decision

Answer 5

I got this from "The Wastelands." It's pretty sick but cool.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?



Because it was stapled to the back of a chicken.

Answer 6

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. Right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****** to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and! Over ag ain. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

Answer 7

Let someone hook you up with some laughing gas!!

Answer 8

Booooo!

Answer 9

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra!

Answer 10

The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial
messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears
100, 000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems
that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have
abandoned the struggfle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense
and meaning.

On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurang appeared this
advertising atrocity:

NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
AFFORDABLE
An Alternative to Looking Good.

After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct
what happened lin the framing of this cacphonous come-on. Apparently, the
good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable
prices afforded an alternative for looking good. But what came out was the
message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it
out. And we'll charge you very little to do it!"

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoon and comic strips:

* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by
waitresses in apetizing forms.

* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too!

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.

* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent

* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.

* For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.

* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges,
the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.

* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain
and Chopin.

* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and
other athletic facilities.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

* We build bodies that last a lifetime.

* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
& Gardens.

* For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.

* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month.
References required.

* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.

* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
snacks included.

* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

* See ladies blouses. 50% off!

* Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204

* Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

* Illiterate? Write today for free help.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating

* Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.

* Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00

And these beauties from the radio:

* Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a rediculous
figure.

* Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity,"
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

* When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.