My wife and i seperated for the first time almost 3 months ago. We have been married for almost 5 years when one day she comes home and tells me she has found someone else. So i moved, and our 2 children stay with me most of the time. Now she comes to where i am, and wanting to talk to me.
Now she says she wants to try to work things out. She said she cheated on me with 2 guys in a lil over a year, and only cheated 3 times all together between the two of them.
Will she quite cheating? or will this continue? Can she quite cheating, or will this continue? i know we had problems, but i have been willing to work on them, but she wasn't. I still love her but don't want to continue this if its not gonna work. Is it possible that if we worked things out that she would be faithful??
or is it really true, once a cheater, always a cheater?????
2006-10-06 09:34:23 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Don't fall for it.
She is obviously selfish and only thinking about herself.
The fact that she says...'I only cheated 3 times' communicates that she has no idea how much it hurt you, nor does she really care except for how it effects you.
2006-10-06 09:46:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is not true, once a cheater.
Ironic that she found out that the other guy was not what she thought. The big question for all concerned is has she really learned anything? If not you are wasting your time reconciling.
On the other hand if she now understands that you will not put up with that behavior and promices to NEVER do it again there is hope. Before you consider getting back together She should provide you with an explaination why it happened. The classic, I made a mistake does not do it. Get some insight into her thought
process, or what there was of one. Without an explanation it is apparent that she has no idea of her own thoughts or is still just hiding things. Secondly she has to provide you with her remidy if she does it again. What is going on here is her recognotion of what she lost which she did not value as much before.
You can agree to work it out and it can work. This must come with a serious attitude change from her. Do not let her blame it on you. Also do not go back with the provision that you change your life . Put limits on it, keep an eye on her. Do not trust her. Treat her like the naughty child she is. Make sure the attitude remains remorseful and it can work.
You have suffered the greatest emotional hurt a partner can inflict. She owes you bigtime if you take her back. Doing a reconciliation right can work and you can be stronger for it.
You will never have the full trust and respect for her that you did.
Nor does she deserve it.
This will remove any naivite you had for your relationship before. That's not all bad. Time will heal the wound but the scar will remain.
It can work but it depends on her.
As usual, This is a minority opinion on this post, but then I'll wager there are not many who answer here that have personal experience with this issue. Hindsight being what it is, do I wish I'd handled it differently 25 years ago? NO. We got over it and moved on. We are all the better for it. You have already dealt with the pain. That will not go away either way. There may be something here to salvage. The biggest is a couple of children who learn that people can work things out and maintain a marriage even though they've a stupid thing.
2006-10-06 09:43:15 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow. First, I am sorry for what you and your family have gone through.
Yes, it is mostly true, once a cheater, always a cheater. The only time it changes is when the cheater sees the error in their ways. Unfortunately, this is not something someone can show them; they have to come to that conclusion on their own.
My feeling is that she is not sorry. You have already said she was not willing to work on the problems. You will be in this situation again if you take her back. And you will expose your children to this- who will grow up thinking it is okay to cheat, because mommy got away with it.
So she says she ONLY cheated three times? Is there an acceptable number for how many times a spouse can cheat? I wasn't aware of one. And why would you move out? You didn't do anything wrong. She wants to work things out because things aren't going so great with the guy she is (or was) cheating.
I think you should really think this through- with your head, not your heart. Don't do this to yourself. Move on into a new, healthy relationship.
2006-10-06 10:02:03 · answer #3 · answered by Queen 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Once a cheater always a cheater....its true. She only cheated on you 3 times, I doubt that. She left you and when **** was working between her and her men, she comes running to you. If you take her back, this is the way it will always be. Let her prove to you that she is trustworthy and loves you. Don't take her back yet. You have to see how badly she wants you. She was real quick to leave you as soon as she met someone new. Now that she realized she was nothing but a fling, she wants you back, the man who loved her through it all. If you except her to do these types of things to you, she will always do them b/c she knows she can. Aren't you heartbroken? I would never take back someone who left me for another. Think about it. History repeats itself.
2006-10-06 09:44:46 · answer #4 · answered by Rica 82 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Once a cheater, always a cheater! Especially since she admitted to you that she's cheated on you on multiple occasions. If she wanted to work on things with you she wouldn't have cheated on you 3 times! You need to get away from that. There is someone much better out there for you. Divorce her and take the kids. She seems like a cold, heartless, b#$%@! Who could do that to their husband and kids? You deserve better!
2006-10-06 09:42:53 · answer #5 · answered by texas y'all! 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
to be honest if she has cheated then she should ask herself why especially when there are children involved. I love my kids more than the world as I am sure you do but to put them through this is awful and you will have the pieces too pick up again should she do it again. Try to work out why she felt she had to do this it would be she realises what she has lost although it could be she is looking for the comfort she had before. Take a long look at this and try to talk it through before making a decision babe and good luck.
2006-10-06 09:40:04 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You can make things work, if you both can commit to some hard work. If I were you I would make her work real hard to prove she can be faithful, not in a mean way but in a logical way. and I think you both need to communicate to each other. ask her why she cheated? Was it looks , she was bored what? also seek counseling. But you'll have to forgive and forget whih is tough.
additionally she has to realize it will take a long time to build trust. and if she is not willing to work under neath the arrangement you put out there,
then you'll know what you have. Take your time don't rush back at all.
you could be setting yourself up for more of the same.
a marrage can survive this but it will take tons of work
2006-10-06 10:42:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
In the end, you have to ask yourself these quesitons, to help you make a good decision.
1. Did you in some large part lend to her cheating? I mean, withholding sex would be an example.
2. How much does she mean to you in the long run?
3. What kind of person is she? Is she one that usually can find a way to justify things to herself, in order to do as she wants?
4. Is she one who is often dishonest?
5. What is her moral base like? Is she someone that will be a good example for your kids in the long run?
6. Are you going to be able to take that vision in your head of her doing another guy, especially when you and she are being intimate?
My personal thought is this. Women are as likely to cheat as men are and it is easy for them to do so. Also, if you are not all that happy or inclined to stay with her, this is your opportunity to get rid of her, and it be her fault. You do have scriptural grounds for divorce since she cheated. You can also forgive. Statistically, men divorce women that cheat, more so then women do men who cheat. I am of the thought that if she did it, she can and probably will do it again.
2006-10-06 09:46:33 · answer #8 · answered by Mr. JW 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Okay... once a cheater always a cheater. If you really want to take him back, then you need to get pro. help! Just to be on the safe side. But if you can tell in your heart that she is true to her word.. Then go for it. But date again dont jump back in when you are unsure. Or you could hire someone to follow her for a while to be on the safe side. Just some suggestions.. Maybe something I said can help you some. Best of wishes for you my friend.
ps Do what is best for the kids!
2006-10-06 09:40:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Im going through the same situation as we speak. i suspected my wife cheating and I purchased a spy program to monitor to obtain all of her passwords. I was shocked to find that she had been sleeping around`on me for three months. When I confronted her initailly she tried to deny it and as I continued on she could not say anything else. During this time she was saying that she needed space. I did find out just what the space was for. I would suspect that your wife has told you that you forced her to sleep with other men and that it was your fault for what she has done to you. My wife did the same thing. My wife since I have found out has said she wants to try on the marriage.
Since saying these words, she has been withdrawn and tells me all the time for us to take it slow, but does not want me to touch her or kiss her as well. Like other people has said so far, yiou know her the best and you should follow your heart. As for me, I soon will be divorced and I know that I will find another woman that will love me as I want to be loved as well as me treating her lke a queen. I cannot let go of the images that runs through my mind each and every day.
If you give this another chance you should look for the following signs that have been 100% good for me.
1. Phone calls and she takes the phone into another room.
2. Every time you pick up the phone, smeone hangs up.
3. She spends more time getting ready and you have noticed alot of new clothes she has recently purchased.
4. Letters and poems with no names on them.
5. She does not want to go to places in he local area with you anymore. She is worried that she will be spotted with you.
If you have a computer, yuo may want to purchase a spy program in case you do try, this way you can catch it before it goes too far before you are hurt again.
I feel for you, but if she really loved you, it would not happened 3 times. On time maybe, then come to you and explain her acions and devote her energy to the marriage.
I really believe that she will sleep around on you again. Once it is in their blood...
2006-10-06 10:23:50 · answer #10 · answered by ACE 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have always heard once a cheater always a cheater, but with God's help she can change. Has she cheated since you have been separated?
2006-10-06 10:20:22 · answer #11 · answered by Joesmoe 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋