What to do with a broken relationship?

Question

I've been having a difficult time lately, and the problems between my husband are adding up. We got married because I was pregnant, and I don't think we were ever in love with each other.

We have been married for 6 years, and we try to make things work. I am very committed to my spouse and I love him... but there's a lack of a spark... both emotionally and sexually between us.

Recently, I have come to the conclusion, that I think maybe it's not the best idea to stay together just because we have a child. I notice that the both of us are increasingly unhappy.

We have tried marital therapy, and it worked for a while, but it didn't solve the "chemistry" problem... as we call it. We have open communication, and aside from this we get along well.

I don't know what to do. I don't WANT to leave him, but I am not happy with him either.

Any suggestions?

Let me make this clear... we talk a lot! We are very open, and we are both close friends. But we both agree, there is something missing.... and neither of us has any options as to how to fix it.

Answer 1

I am from a broken home (in my early teens) and now married 13 years with children of my own. In comparison, my wive's parents were not happy and didn't ultimately divorce until their children were in their 30's. As a consequence, both my wife and I have a different "take" on the question: should you stay together (regardless) for the sake of family harmony, etc.

Please believe me when I say this: absolutely NO ONE. . .outside of your marriage. . .has the legitimate right to tell you it should be resolved one way or the other.

As you have likely heard from the therapist. . .or at least Dr. Phil: you have to "earn" the right to break up!

You may wish to consider contemplating individually and collectively the following:

*What was it that brought us together some years ago;
*What expectations do we have on each other. . .and on ourselves. . .regarding the role of spouse and parent;
*Are we defining happiness in marriage by a potentially impossible or unrealistic "ideal" (e.g., romantic or sentimental), or, as each of us (coming together) would define it;
*Are we committed to self improvement and progress in order to strengthen the individual/marriage/family and, if so, what are each of us doing, in terms of setting goals, following up on them, etc?

Also consider the German proverb: Love thy spouse; love thy choice!

Hope this helps. . .from someone who's in the "trenches" like you. . .feeling first hand the ups and downs of this existence we call "adult life". . .do not despair. . .you are not alone. . .and there is no time bomb ticking or pressures of ANY sort to force either one of you to move at a pace (or direction) that you do not feel comfortable doing together.

All the best to you and your spouse/family!

Answer 2

I can understand how you feel as I am in sort of a similar relationship. The chemistry is missing from our relationship. I asked my mate (we're not married but have 2.5 kids) to go to a marriage counselor with me, he told me no, "it" was my problem and if I wanted anything fixed I should go on my own. I realized recently that I'm not in love with him and never was. He has always told me he "loves" me but never says he's "in love with me."

I guess the only advice I have for you is to do what is best for YOU. Because u are doing no favors to him or your child by staying in a loveless marriage that doesn't seem to be headed anywhere emotionally and physically. If you don't mind living the way you are now and think something between either one of you will change for the better, then stay. But what is your breaking point? When do you say enough is enough and move on? Afterall, you do have a child and the future of that child to consider in your decision. Good luck.

Answer 3

You and your husband need some YOU time together. You had that spark when you met, and the sexual attraction is still there. You just have to spend more quality time together. Get a babysitter and you and your husband go out. Go to dinner and then for a nice walk together, get out of the house and don't talk about work or the baby. Talk about life, when you were kids and the different things you use to do and enjoyed doing. REDISCOVER eachother......... the spark isn't gone, the love is still there......... you just need to seperate all the dirty laundry and air out your lifes together. There is where you are going to find your spark. You use to have so much to say before you had bills, a baby, a marriage. You still have alot to say, you have just been so bogged down with the obvious that you haven't taken the time for just casual, nonresponsive, a walk in the past, the future, and personal thoughts and insight on life in general........ conversations. I hope you find yourselfs again. Together, and rediscover the love and the *spark* that never went away. BLessed be

Answer 4

If you are unhappy, then leave. It's gonna be hard, but in the long run, it's probably for the best. Staying for the child is a bad idea, children arn't stupid and will pick up on the unhappiness of there parents. It's not too late to start over. You only have one life, make the best out of it!

Answer 5

Don't remain in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your child. He/she knows, I'm sure, that something is amiss with mom and dad. Children are very keen observers, and so sensitive to feelings and vibes. If you both are not in love with each other, maybe it's time to move on, it would be a shame for neither of you to have real love...you know, find your soulmate in life. If you remain friends, your child will be fine. Good luck, in whatever you decide.

Answer 6

Do you guys go on dates with each other? Do you travel without the kids? What exactly do you do to keep the spark alive? Think back to when you had the spark, relive those days. Have some fun together. Go to a resort for adults and explore sexually again. I think you've both gotten into a rut and have given up.

Answer 7

Perhaps, You being unhappy is making him unhappy. Start treating him as if he's special and he'll return the favor.
A relationship has to be worked on for it to survive.
My wife and I didn't love each other either. But we worked it out and now we are best friends and have been married for 25 years.
We couldn't be happier. The way we treat each other gets us noticed a lot. Some even act as if we make them sick. It's only jealousy.

Answer 8

Wow you guys have communication ! That is mostly why marriages break up because lack of it.Sounds like you guys could be happy but it also sounds like there is a little more to the story. I think if you guys don't want to be together & agree on it separate & maybe you will see that you did have it going on.

Answer 9

WOW! Were you two ever friends before the pregnancy? It seems that he might want the marriage to work also if he went along with the therapy, try doing a 'date night' type of thing to spice things up, you know... roll play.

Answer 10

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