My spouse by all evidence had some kind of affair two months ago...I need advise.?

Question

Two months ago, when I first confronted my wife with emails I found, she ripped up the printed copies immediately! She then told me, the "he was a friend" and she had gone over the top with flirtation evident in the emails I found. She is very tight lipped about it and when I bring it up she says that I need to let it go, to move on. But I have found other evidence that concerns me. Lyrics written in the middle of the ?affair? suggesting she might love someone but had too much to lose. etc...Since i caught her, she has had supposedly NO contact with him, like that was normal for their relationship. The emails were many, and she deleted all her emails aferward.
She even has the number to his 2nd home on her cell. Friends.
To me, friendships do not end on a dime...affairs. I need to know the truth.. no details..just the truth...I will not play second fiddle!

Would you feel the same? Do you think she should be more honest in light of the circumstances?

I NEED TO ADD APPARENTLY THAT THEY WERE MEETING REGULARLY FOR "COFFEE"..

They did NOT meet online..it started as a business connection...and his office is one block from hers!

Answer 1

Wow..sorry to hear this! Your wife should be honest with you and give you every detail and reassure you about everything. I hate when I feel like my boyfriend is hiding something from me. You need to know everything about this "affair", whether it was physical or emotional. If she tells you things and is remorseful, then you can work on this. If not, it may happen again.

Answer 2

Why the cheating spouse will always lie
Aside from the obvious hope that the unfaithful spouse can keep the affair hidden, cheaters likely have one of the following sets of circumstances that reinforces the lies

Perhaps they are involved with someone else that they want to be with all the time and form a new life with that person, but for some reason, now is not the right time or they have not managed to lock in that new relationship, so the wait. Telling you the truth, although an inevitability, would only cause the problems that they need not experience, or they are still unsure that the other person is totally committed to building a life with them, so they want to keep you around as a back up.
A second common set of circumstances that lead cheaters to lie is that they do not want to end their relationship with you, but they want to have tha additional relationship with someone else that gives them some emotional fulfillment that they are not getting at home. Obviously you would not be remotely amused about the possibility of your spouse having an affair and the know this, so they lie and rationalize that they can pull off the affair without being caught. Many cheating wife reports that they are to ashamed to admit what they did, no matter what the circumstances. They cannot live with the label of “cheater” and will deny the affair even at the jeopardy of their marriage

Regardless of what’s behind the lie, most cheating spouses know how much it would hurt you if you found out. They know what it will do to you and they still go forward with the affair, but by trying to keep it a secret, they are also trying to protect you from the pain and suffering that would surely come if thei betrayal is discovered. They rationalize this with thoughts like “he/she does no understand me”, “she/he could not handle the truth”, etc

You need to know the truth and have proof before anything else can move forward. With unanswered questions and potential lies surrounding you, you cannot possibly make the right decisions and heal yourself. Get the truth before you start making important, life changing decisions. Give her ultimatum to tell you the truth or else.

Answer 3

Be cautious of the advice you get on here...but you sound sensible enough to have figured that out already.

As a woman, my bet is that she's still involved with him or still pining for him. Having the second phone # does not mean she is calling him. Some women just like to collect phone numbers because they feel it gives them a sense of "attachment" to the person who owns the number.

My bet is she has another email account too and that one or more of her closest girlfriends are covering or have covered for her in the past.

Have her followed. If you can't afford it, get a trusted friend who has a car your wife doesn't recognize and pay that person just a little $ to follow her when you're not certain where she will be or if you are certain she's supposed to be at a certain place. For under $500 you could know for sure.

I'm sorry for you. This sucks. I have been there. Don't get wrapped up in wanting to know the details, it'll just hurt you more.

Also, and I know this is far-fetched, but there are supposed to be GPS tracking underwear. I kid you not. Check it out. I have no idea if it works or not. You could even hide a GPS in her purse--if t's big and messy enough. Maybe sew it into the purse somewhere. http://forgetmenotpanties.com/

What about telling her you want to meet the "friend" or if you know the phone # to the second house, call it during a holiday or a time when family should be there and see if he has a wife. If you get a little dirt on the guy first, your wife might want to protect him and might tell you more.

Or, as gross as this is, test her panties for semen.

http://www.infidelitytoday.com/testawoman.html

Answer 4

I can tell you from a boyfriend doing this to me, that there was probably more to it than innocent flirtation. I have flirted with people online before, but have never gotten their phone numbers, which he did. We had a come to Jesus meeting and he told me everything, but the relationship and trust was gone.I have had many friends online and have never gotten their phone numbers. Sounds like there was some emotion put in. You might want to find out what was wrong in your marriage that she went searching online for something. If she will not talk to you about then you need to leave. Your trust will now be gone forever and you will not get it back no matter how hard each of you try. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Answer 5

Nothing wrong with chatting with others on line if it is just a friend thing. No flirtation and No sexual talking. If I am chatting with someone else on the internet I tell my husband everything. She is being sneeky so therefore something is wrong. I would have a serious talk with her if I were you. She might of not had an affair but maybe she is missing something out of the marriage. I am not blaming you for her wrong doings but women do things like that in order to feel a void.

Answer 6

If he were just a friend then y rip all the emails up and then proceed to delete them as well?? there was more then the normal friendship going on there. Tell her how it is! If she feels like she loves this man then tell her to get on with it. As you said you will not play second fiddle. You do not need to be treated like this and if you split then find someone who is willing to play with only one fiddle!! once a cheater always a cheater is so super right. Not only that but you have lost trust in her and in doing so your relationship will be forever clouded. Tell her to pick a side and stick to it!!!

Answer 7

You need to trust your instincts - if you suspect it was serious, it probably was. The question is, do you really want to know?

If you do want to know exactly what happened and why, you need to be aware of the consequences of being told, which are probably that you will feel that you did something to bring it on. People don't have affairs if everything in their marriage is great. You have a choice - either confront, and deal or quit, or stay in the dark.

If you really want to know, write her a letter explaining that you need some honesty. Sometimes you get through better in black and white than if you just talk.

Good luck

Answer 8

Your feelings are valid but like any lying cheating spouse, they will lie about it till they're blue in the face and make it sound like you're making a big deal out of nothing. So, if u found evidence of her affair, that should be your answer and what u do from here on end will be up to u.

Answer 9

I cant tell you what is right for you but with me, I think trust would definitely be an issue. The thing is, you caught her and I think if it were me, I'd be wondering what would have happened if I didn't find out. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, this isn't an easy thing to deal with. She needs to be honest and up front with you, and I think you should let her know that she is jeopardizing your marriage. If you find it in your heart to forgive, that's great but I don't believe this will happen over night. I hope you will be able to do what is the best for you and your family. Luck to you.

Answer 10

Chill Out ..you are going to make it worse give her some space don"t jump down her throat or she will never tell you If you approach it calm down and make a time to sit and talk not scream ...affairs do end on a dime emails sounds like she needed to talk to someone and i will bet you he is married all the more reason to sit and talk ....she needs to STOP NOW ....this means no cell phone no.....yor are right on honesty is the KEY