I am 33 and have been married for 7 years. My wife and I argue constantly. We have a 5 year old daughter that is my life. I work all week, do all the laundry, cook the meals, mow the grass, and always pick up after myself. She does not work (daughter in school most of the day). She started gaining weight as soon as I asked her to marry me and has gained 80 lbs. She also gets irrate with me every time I ask her to just pick up after herself, saying I am criticising her. She can not enjoy a moment without finding something to get irritated about. The only thing she does is talk on the phone, watch TV and eat. She does help with the church and meals on wheels but that doesn't take much time. I know it just sounds like I'm complaining but I feel like I give everything and am miserable in return. I don't want to divorce because I would miss seeing my daughter all the time, but I don't think I can take much more. Plus I don't want our little girl to see us argue all the time. Help!
2006-10-06 07:44:53 · 43 answers · asked by dubhub9 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
what are you going to tough out?
Question: Is your wife the woman you want your daughter to become?
If not, get out ONLY IF YOU CAN TAKE THE DAUGHTER WITH YOU. However, if your wife gets custody, it's going to be that much harder for her to avoid becoming your wife.
2006-10-06 07:48:20 · answer #1 · answered by Manny 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You just described my marriage...well, former marriage. We were together for 5 years and almost the identical situation. We tried counseling, books, everything. I stayed around for so long because I was thinking of my daughter. Finally, I decided I didn't want my daughter to see us argue all the time and think this is how marriage should be.
We divorced, and share custody (50/50). My ex and I are, at worst, civil with one another, at best, friendly. If you decide to divorce, make sure your daughter understands mommy and daddy love her, and that will never change.
My daughter is 7 and seems pretty well adjusted. We focus on how she has two homes and two rooms, etc.
I'm not one that thinks sticking it out is always the best option. I think you should work hard, put in concerted effort but when the marriage becomes more detrimental than the alternative, divorce is the right answer.
Good luck.
2006-10-06 07:51:46 · answer #2 · answered by nyc_pharoah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First let start off by saying I am sorry that you are going through this. I for one am not an advocate for divorce but I do not believe in staying together for the kids. Let me ask you this, is this in your wife's character, meaning did you see some small sign of this before you married her? Maybe something else can be at play? Do you still love your wife and is she aware of the strain her actions are putting on your marriage? Maybe you can attend some counseling through your church. If you do decide to divorce you can always file for custody of your daughter. Before you divorce you need to make sure she get a job so she can pay you some child support and you don't have to worry about alimony.
2006-10-06 07:56:43 · answer #3 · answered by Buffy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like my mom and my mom is heavily depressed. But I don't consider that an excuse for her behavior. I don't know how my father lasted so long with her, they are still married. She is miserable, hasn't worked in years, blames everyone for anything that goes wrong in her life. I decided a long time ago, to keep my sanity, to break all ties with her and I am much happier for it; but I'm the daughter, not the partner in life.
Someone said to get your minister or priest involved. It sounds like she needs serious counseling and this person may know the right way to convince her to to get that help without her feeling too threatened.
Another thing you can try to do in the mean time is buy all healthy foods and snacks. try to stay away from white bread buying stone ground whole wheat products, fruit and veggies instead of chips, etc. Diet can have a lot to do with the persons out look.
I'm not saying to give up or tough it out, but too many people are quick to get divorced when your vows were to be there through the good and bad times. But this is ultimately your decision.
2006-10-06 08:01:37 · answer #4 · answered by FaerieWhings 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you tried marriage counseling? It could also be that your wife is depressed. Try talking to her doctor.
If you feel your marriage is not salvageable, keep in mind that we are living more and more in a time where the courts do not always favor the mother. More and more dads are getting custody.
Can this woman function without your consistent help? If she can't then she cannot take proper care of a child on her own and it's possible you can make the courts see that.
Whether you try to save your marriage or you have exhausted everything salvageable, you are right on one thing; your daughter should not grow up in a home of fighting.
2006-10-06 07:55:47 · answer #5 · answered by thezaylady 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Firstly, I have to say what a nice man you are. I think most women would love a husband that contributes to the house chores... I mean my fiancee does so I guess I got lucky. All I can tell you is, marriage is for better or for worse but you cannot keep going at this pace. You're miserable and this can reflect greatly on other aspects of your life, not to mention your daughter. I recommend maybe seriously talking to your wife. Granted, I don't know her and I don't know what previous attempts you've made before, but try talking to her. Ask her if there is anything wrong. If she never acted like this before, maybe she's acting like this for a reason. Maybe as a cry for attention. There has to be a logical explanation as to what contributed to her behavior. Does she need to be validated enough? I don't know. But tell her how you feel and don't mention divorce.. talk it out and good luck!
2006-10-06 07:51:41 · answer #6 · answered by KIm Z 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you're the man running the show, convince her you need help with the bills or they're just not gonna get paid. Convince her to get at least a part time job (doing anything) she HAS to make some real life changes. Consider moving, or some other equal move to a big serious change ---- she's stuck in a rut she didn't get in by herself. Help her if you ever loved her, if you want to respect her as your daughters mommy. Make lasting changes to the family. Get a membership to the YMCA or someplace. Get her on a bowling/pool/something kind of league, anything! she screams "doesn't get out much" "doesn't have friends" "doesn't have a life" it's partly your fault, accept and take responsibility for her state.
2006-10-06 10:41:43 · answer #7 · answered by Ann 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if a divorce would be the answer, who's to say "she'd" get custody of your daughter?
Maybe you need to get your wife in to see a doctor. Her thyroid could be really off kilter, or maybe she has the hidden "fibromyalgia".
It could be her mental health too. Try the doctor approach before the divorce issues.
Stop doing all her chores for her, if you find out she's healthy. Sit her down and tell her what things are bothering you. IF she get's irrate and can't take the time for a talk, then seek a divorce and seek custody of your daughter.
2006-10-06 07:52:23 · answer #8 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like your wife has security issues. She's gotten TOO comfortable in the relationship and thinks it's okay for her to just lay down on the job when she wants. Put your foot down, tell her you've considered divorce, and try to talk things out. If she doesn't start making any efforts to help pull her own weight (no pun intended), she's outta there. You'd have a good chance at getting custody of your daughter too considering she has a dead beat mom. Good luck in your relationship, I hope you two can pull together and make something work. You need a happy medium, it's all her way right now and it's just wearing you out!
2006-10-06 07:49:38 · answer #9 · answered by Shining Ray of Light 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It depends. Marriage is equal partnership but it sounds like she's unwilling to pull her load in it. I suggest u try and work it out first and see what happens. Communicate with her without criticizing her or getting on her defensive. Just state how u feel in a calm manner. Then allow her some time to recognize her problem and change. If u have done everything u could and the results are the same, only then should u walk out.
2006-10-06 07:55:11 · answer #10 · answered by cheetah7 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You guys need to have a talk. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job and the responsibilities include cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children. I work and my husband is a stay at home dad. We have agreed that if he stays home to take care of our daughter then taking care of the house is part of that deal. I work 50 hours a week and volunteer at the church plus do my own laundry. If I put that much time in he can too. The only difference is I get paid.
2006-10-06 07:51:51 · answer #11 · answered by OrianasMom 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋