How do I tell my husband of 20 yrs. He is a lousy lover? I fake all the time. Should I tell him that too?

Question

believe me I have went through all the motions of letting him know how I like it. But he is soooo boring I can't stand it anymore. I'm about to give up.

Answer 1

I think that it would be devastating for him to learn you have faked your entire relationship so why don't you tell him that what he is doing doesn't work for you anymore and suggest he try a few new things. There are book that you can buy at chapters or amazon that have some fabulous pull out pages. One I believe is called 1001 nights of romance and they other is 1001 nights of fabulous sex. Suggest you go and pick one out together. Maybe he is getting bored too. Hope this helps and good luck.

Answer 2

I will never in all my life understand why women do this. You have lived with him for 20 years and faked it to avoid hurting him.

Do you really think it has escaped him? Do you really think he doesn't know at some level that you do not love him as you used to? Trust me he does. But if a man loves a woman that last thing he wants to do is ask too much. We are all afraid of that answer.

To make love to a woman we love and have that woman love it and want more with only him is every man's dream. But you don't come with an instruction book. So everything we learn about you is trail and error. Most of us have found that no matter what we do after a few years of marriage it never seems to be enough. So most I think just quit trying.

When you say you went through all the motions of telling him....what does that mean? Are you talking about showing him how to make love to you or are you talking about inferring this and that hoping he will understand and change?

Men and women do not think alike. No news their but it is big news. I could never understand why when I put all the effort I did to insure my first wife always had an orgasm before I did that it seemed to count for nothing. For a woman to give that to a man is everything. But because she had lost that attraction women need to keep interested I could have saved all the effort.

You are blaming him for being a lousy lover and a boring husband. He is what he was when you married him. You are the one who has faked it for all this time. You have changed...you have lost the attraction....and it has little to do with him. If you have faked it how do you expect him to know you have been faking it.....and why in hell have you been doing that?

If you are not willing to sit him down and tell him just how you feel.....just as you have here....I can assure you nothing will change. And it would seem you are about to hurt this man like he has never been hurt before. I may be wrong but I doubt it.

Just because you are married to a nice guy and wish he were a bad guy does not mean your first decision was wrong. You married the right person. Get him to learn how to spice things up for you and you will be fine.

Answer 3

Sex therapy. Immediately. And you can't just blurt out that someone you've been faking it with for 20 years that they are lousy in bed. YOU are the one who's been faking it, and let's face it, guys aren't always that smart. He probably thinks that what "worked" one day will the next too. He probably feels like a stud. I'm not saying that you have to resign yourself to a lifetime of sexual boredom, but you're going to have to be a lot more gentle with his ego than THAT, otherwise, you won't be getting any at all.

Read some sex books together, watch some porn or instructional videos together and see what happens. If that doesn't work, the you're going to have to gently tell him that you're not satisfied in bed and that you want to try therapy.

By the way, most women can't orgasm from sexual intercourse alone, so I'd emphasize the foreplay more than the sex itself.

Answer 4

The problem with him no doubt lies with your inadequacy to perform properly in the bedroom. It's apparent he's going through these motions which are no doubt an effort due to your frigid and sexless nature.
I would suggest you see a physician and see about getting additional shots of hormones or something to bring your sexual peak back up again.

I'd also look into taking an interpersonal communications class at your local community college. Because if you haven't learned how to communicate with your spouse after 20 years then this is as big a failure as your sexual abilities.

Let us all know just how you make out once you've accomplished this. Good luck and I hope you get back up to speed!

Answer 5

Unless you want a lousy marriage as well as a lousy sex life, never tell your husband about his shortcomings. Tell him your sex life has become routine, maybe take a sex workshop together, or buy a sex guide...lots of them at any bookstore. Or watch a dirty movie and tell him you want him to do that to you. Exactly like that. But seriously, if you tell him he is a lousy lover, it's like him telling you you've gotten fat and ugly as you've grown old. How would that make YOU feel?

Be gentle, supportive. And most importantly, find a creative way of telling him you want a little more spice in your sex life. Oh, and leave out the fake orgasm part...no good will come of that :)

Answer 6

There have been some great answers. Like someone said, marriage isn't only about sex, but yes, it is an important factor.

Marriage is about love and respect. You have been together for 20 years so there must be love. He should repsect your feelings, but be sure not to tell him what he does bad (don't turn it into a gripe session or point out negatives). Tell him what you like. Like someone else said, get on top and take control one time. He will be getting sex so I'm sure he won't mind and you will have a chance to find out what you like at the same time as show him what you like.

Below is a link to a conference that you will find to be awesome, even if you are not a Christian yet.

Answer 7

Id suggest you start buying some of the sex books that are aimed at couples, spend time with him looking at them and talking about fantasies and desires. Some men would love to spice things up but are afraid to broach the subject. Telling anyone they are a lousy lover wont likely make their performance any better. Put yourself in the same shoes. If he just came out and said youre lousy in bed, I think youd be extremely hurt.

Answer 8

Well Honey..if he is a lousy lover you've only got yourself to blame for FAKING all these years! WTH is wrong with you???? You fake it then he thinks he did a good job..... Come on!!! STOP FAKING! If he finishes, and *thinks* you are done...tell him that you guess you'll just finish by yourself. Chances are he'll be more than happy to finish the job he just doesn't realise the jobs not done.

Buy him the book..*the Mutli Orgasmic Man*.... and then tell him how you've been making a vast mistake all these years by faking it... tell him you want a satisfying sex life and you guys are going to work on it. GOOD LUCK! (AND STOP FAKING IT SHEESH!!!)

Answer 9

You sit down with him and let him know that you feel the bedroom needs a little spice. Make suggestions on things you're comfortable doing and ask him what he thinks.
If you're not having fun anymore, let him know so the two of you can fix the problem. Maybe he needs to incorporate more effort and maybe you need to learn to quiet your mind.

Answer 10

YUP!!! You should have been open and honest with him along time ago! If he is what he is then you are to blame also because who knows maybe had you opened up to him and told him how you like things done, he would have most likely done his best at taking care of you the way you like it and perhaps become the best you will ever know! Hunny at this point you have no- one to blame but yourself, did you want your husband to pull out his magic crystal ball and figure out what turns you on??? Sometimes they need guidance! You dealt with it for many years and you are complaining now!??? Jesus!