How do I tell him I want out of the marriage?

Question

When I married Josh 3 years ago, we were perfect together or so I thought. He's changed though. He used to be responsable and caring. Now he has no job and won't even help around the house since I'm working 2 jobs to suport us. I'm tired and burned out and most nights work overtime just to avoid having to go home. When I am at home we fight non-stop and I want out. Every time I bring up divorce though, he gets mad and throws a fit. HE says if I loved him I wouldn't say that. I'm not sure I love him though. He's in no way physicly abusive to me, but the one time I did try t leave he chased me down and even cried til I agreed to come back. We can't afford to do counseling. Help?

Answer 1

You both are going through a very tough time. You're angry and frustrated and he's probably have real issues with his self-esteem about now. What happened to his job? Was he laid off? Quit? Was fired? For better or for worse, a lot of how we feel about ourselves is tied to our work (what we do, how successful we are, etc.) It sounds like your husband is depressed and can't seem to get a grip.

You've only been married three years. There had to have been something that brought you together and commit to marriage. It doesn't sound like either of you has stepped back from your respective situations to see where your marriage is and what brought it there. My guess is that your fights aren't really about what's happened to your marriage but the effects of the current situation on your marriage. You're feeling very put upon and overwhelmed and he's feeling unworthy and abandoned.

Marriage is a huge commitment as well as an investment. You can't run at the first sign of hard times. If you do, you may as well keep running because life is going to continue to throw you curve balls. First, there are counseling services available at low or no cost. Some charge on a sliding scale, based on income. Before you say you can't afford counseling, at least make some inquiries through local social service agencies, non-profit mental health agencies or your church (if you belong to one).

Is it that you don't love your husband, or are you just tired of your current situation? They're two different things. If the situation were reversed, would you want him to give up on you? I'm not saying you should be OK with what's going on, I'm suggesting that you both make a real effort before you throw in the towel.

If you are willing to try and save your marriage, I'd suggest the following:

1. Tell Josh that you've been thinking about how things are between the two of you right now. Tell him you want to try to get things back on track, but only if he wants to and if he's willing to work at it with you.

2. Tell him you don't want to argue with him, but you need to find a better way to communicate. Ask him if he is willing to go to counseling. If he agrees, ask him to call and get information on three low-cost services. Give him a week to do it.

3. In the meantime, individually take that week to come up with a list that includes the following:

a. What it is about the other one that made you fall in love with them
b. When you first noticed you were having problems
c. How you feel right now. NOT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE MARRIAGE OR EACH OTHER, BUT HOW YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL FEELS (Example: I feel tired, overwhelmed, afraid, insecure, etc.)
d. What it is your spouse can do to help you

Exhange lists at the end of the week. Take a day or two to let it sink in, don't respond immediately. Then get together and calmly, quietly take one item at a time and discuss them. When it gets to be too much, stop and give each other space, but come back and start talking again. You both have so much built up in you, but you really don't know where each of you really stands beyond the current frustration and anger. At least by talking to each other, you're clearing the air and showing each other a commitment to working things out.

If you're not sure whether or not you love him, you should at least be sure before you decide to pursue a divorce. If you were serious about your commitment when you married, at the very least you both should make a real effort at healing before you end it.

We live in a world of instant gratification. We want things to work now and we're not willing to wait. Look at your marriage like an education: You start your classes, you have projects, you do research or have study groups, but you can't skip classes or steps to earning your degree. You can't cheat because you'll cheat yourself out of true understanding. If you want your degree, you have to work at it. In the end, it will have been worth the effort. Also, you continue to educate yourself because it's good for you and enhances you as a professional. Marriage is very much the same thing.

Answer 2

It sounds like you have told him that you want out, but for whatever reason he's not listening and you're not actually following through with your references to divorce.

If you've determined that it's not working, you need to start by deciding whether or not you love him. Also, given his reaction, if you're serious about ending your marriage you need to have a place to go to once you do tell him that you've made the decision to do so. If you're serious about leaving, then leave.

But something tells me you're just trying to get him to validate the work that you've been doing and the effort you've been putting into the marriage.

Have you thought about telling him plainly (no yelling, no fighting, just calm and rational statements that don't place blame) what the problems are and what you need to happen in order for your life with him to be better? You think unemployment would be a huge clue for someone, but a lot of times the problem is that people don't know what they're doing wrong or why it bothers the other person in the relationship. Communication, even when things seems like they should be obvious, is key.

Answer 3

I'm a firm believer of trying to work it out. You've only been married 3 yrs, They say the first 5 years are the toughest, if you can survive the four before you may have a chance. In your case however your husband seems to be a dead beat. Did something happen that he can not work? Now days it takes both people working to afford anything, The burden should not be all on you. May be you have fallen out of love with him. It can happen. He says he Loves you? Why isn't he tring to show it by helping the marriage? I am not married and sometimes feel i may never get married. it's situations like this that gives it a bad name, i'm not saying it's your fault but it takes two, you both need to talk to someone if you want a prayer of surviving, don't be a statistic, get the help you deserve it may or may no t save your marriage but it will save you. i don't know if you ga to church, but i know most have couples counciling. I wish you luck:)

Answer 4

There is no easy way out of this it is about making a decision and sticking to it no matter how hard it gets.

When I told my husband that I wanted a divorce it was the worst time of my life, he was abusive then but I perservered as I did not want a life with him for my children. He too stopped working and I grew to resent him which unfortunately led to hatred. Two years later, I am still in the process of divorce but I am happy, my children are happy and the house is no longer filled with that atmosphere of tension.
I urge you to think long and hard, is it just a rough patch that with a time out together and an honest heart to heart can be resolved, OR has your feelings totally changed and the only way you will feel better is a seperation?
Yes, he will be cross, yes you will get the tears but remember that in time it gets easier and both of you will move on.
Rough times do not last long and only help you appreciate those happy stressfree times.
good luck x

Answer 5

He is playing you. He know what buttons to push so that you will do exactly what he wants. He doesn't have to work or be there as a real husband. He can't even do anything around the house?
I'm sorry - but cold day in hell that I would let that happen. I mean, you are working 2 jobs and then coming home and working another job. I've put up with too much in my marriage, don't get me wrong - but listen, he will do this as long as he can. The tears? They were just a ploy to get what he wanted. Believe me, he's probably bragging to his friends how he has it made!!
I really hope that you can get your head straight and use the anger to better your life. Get out now, you know you can make it on your own, hell, you already are!!
Good luck honey - I have faith in you!!!!

Answer 6

You know that when you get divorced, YOU will have to pay for spousal support right, since you are the breadwinner? Try this. Move in with someone else or a friend of yours and don't come home for awhile. And don't tell him where you'll be living. Let him cook his own food and handle the bills and the housework, etc. If he hunts you down, tell your co-workers not to disclose that information to him. If you have to talk to him, give him your email address. Don't talk to him on the phone. Only move back with him when he proves he has a job. And don't send any money home to him! This is the only way this is going to work.

Answer 7

Sounds like he is depressed. Still, he cannot sponge from you and wear you down. If you are sure you want out of the marriage, leave. If he needs to leave, begin divorce papers. Tell him after you've done it because he will talk you out of it. If you think your marriage can be saved and you want to try this avenue, both of you go to your county health department for counseling. They charge according to your income - you may not have to pay anything or it may be only $10 or $20 a visit. If he will not go, the marriage is over. Honey, don't let him deplete your life's energy from you. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Although you do not consider this an abusive relationship, it is - an emotionally abusive one.

Don't tell him you want a divorce. Serve him the papers. Then change the locks on the doors, since you are paying the rent.

File a restraining order if he tries to barge in or harrasses you in any way.

Talk to legal aid services in your local area. A lawyer can tell you how to get out of this mess with your finances intact, especially if you have been supporting him for a long while.

Good luck!

Answer 9

Each time you go back to this situation, you are giving him tacit permission to continue as is. You are in charge of your own destiny, and need to 1)leave or 2) sit him down when you both are calm, and the TV and computer are turned off, tell him of your dissatisfaction and how serious it is.

At either of your jobs, do they have EAP, or employee's assistance program? They would be able to hook you up with counselling at low or no cost. I suggest you go by yourself, tell the counsellor just what you have here, and strategize with them about how to correct this untenable situation.

Answer 10

Tell him everything you just said. Do not start the talk by saying you want a divorce. Tell him your tired and you can not keep working like this by yourself. Tell him you are mad he is not doing anything. Don't fight and if he says you do not love him give him the answer. Tell him you don't love him because of what it is now.