How long does it take to recover from bereavement?

Question

I had a partner for 10 years who died suddenly of a heart-attack at the age of 39. There was no warning and it came as a complete shock to everyone.

That was six and a half years ago and I'm still grieving. I'm still living in the same house and leading pretty much the same lifestyle, but thinking that it's about time I did something new.

Do you think I should have got over it by now? If not, how long does it take?

Would it help if I moved?

I have just finished a relationship that looked very promising at first, but wasn't to be. The break up has brought back all the sadness and loneliness I felt when my partner died.

Answer 1

I am so sorry for your loss. you will know when it is time.

Answer 2

There is no time limit..everyone is different... When you are ready it will happen.. but you must go on with your life in the mean time.... Your partner would not be pleased if they knew you were doing nothing with your life. Don't forget, theirs was taken without any notice... you don't know what tomorrow could bring..live today and be happy you are alive...... Moving from your house might help visually for you and maybe remove some of the dark cloud that seems to be hanging over you....I am sure you have read every book you could get your hands on, or people gave them to you... They help a bit, but it is a long process especially becuse it was so sudden. You need to do things that will make you feel good, so volunteering at a youth hostel or with a food shelter will really give you something else to think about... It would be good to get into some physical exercise like hiking and enjoying the outdoors and get into some healthy nutrition. when your body feels good, it is vey healing to your spirit and mind. Do it at your own speed... nobody has the "right" answer for grief , it can be a long journey for some.... Be well and I hope you find some peace.....

Answer 3

First of all, you are entitled to grieve for as long as you want. Don't let yourself be pressurised into doing something you don't want to do just because it is what you 'should' do.
When my dad died, my mum's friends convinced her that it would be appropriate to start giving his clothes away to charity, etc. She was so upset whilst sorting them out and now regrets doing it because she has so little of his stuff around her.

Dad died almost four years ago and she's still finding it hard without him, but it's certainly not as painful as in the first few months. I guess that it will always hurt to think of losing your partner, but the pain becomes more familiar over time and you learn to live with it until you hardly notice it.

If you feel it's time to start moving on, then maybe moving house would be a good way of making a new start, but think seriously about the consequences. You are living with memories at the moment, but the minute you leave the house you shared the memories will start to fade.

Try making smaller changes first to see if it's helpful to you. Do something like changing your hair colour or taking up a new hobby - something that it completely yours and not linked to your partner.

Whatever you do, make sure you do it at your own pace.

All the best

Answer 4

Dear Professor, you never ''get over'' a traumatic bereavement.. you learn to live with it. Many things will serve to bring you right back to the moment of loss.. a certain song, a smell, a face, an anniversary. I don't believe moving home would help unless you're memories are bad... your home probably helps you feel a link still with your dead partner, which can be a great comfort. If you are looking for a 'replacement' for your partner then you will be disappointed and your relationships will flounder.. noone wants to be loved because they are substituting for someone else..they want to be valued by you for the person THEY are. If you are feeling that it's time you ''did somethingnew'' then you have turned the corner and are willing to live your life once more. Instead of moving, re-decorate your home, fill it with light and with things that will inspire you to seize your life back... your partner would have wanted that. any failed relatonship will be hard to bear, but instead of focussing on the failure of the relatonship, recognise that there is positivity in the knowledge that it would not have been a good relationship for you. There's no clock ticking.. you're slowly emerging from 6 years of darkness and you're learning to slowly re-integrate into daily life again. You're already getting there and you will find love again... it will not be the same as the love for your dead partner, but that is perhaps a good thing...it keeps your memories special and releases you from the restraints of trying to make others match up to her which would be ultimately fruitless and soul destroying. Go for it..you deserve to be happy!! Good Luck!! xox

Answer 5

So sorry for your loss, there are stages to bereavement and everyone gots though them at a different rate, and you don't always go though them in order, and sometimes you do the same one again.
But 6 1/2 years is a long time, I agree that maybe you just need to find a trained ear to listen to you and he/she can guide you though what you are still dealing with.
You stated your partner of 10 years ( which is a long time in today standards to love someone) dies suddenly. You may still feel that shock of loss, no chance for goodbye and so on, find someone you trust and just talk.
I have never loss a partner, but I have lost three babies, and there is not a day that goes by without a thought of why, and what they could have become in their lives, and although I know they are in a better place, there is a little bit I hold on to in memory of them.
To grieve at your own pace is totally normal, but sometimes we need a nudge in the direction of healing, your partner was a very lucky person to have found someone who cares so very much for them.
This is one of many links for the stages of greiving, take what you need and leave the rest, it will be there one day when you need it. Good luck to you take care, and if I may God Bless.

http://www.phoenix-method.com/Grieving.htm

Answer 6

Im sorry about your loss. Bereavement effects people in different ways. You will never 'get over' the loss of your partner but it does get easier. Maybe you should join a local support group or talk to somebody

Cruse Bereavement Centre have a help line or you can look on their site for support.

Maybe you could move, change jobs, join a club to take your mind off things. Remember, you will always have your memories, try to think of happy times but at the same time, you need to start doing new things for yourself too.

I wish you luck in the furture

Answer 7

I can only share with you that I lost my mother in 96 and I still miss her very much, at times I can’t believe that it’s been 10 years. It feels like it was yesterday that I lost her. How long we grieve for a loved one is different for everyone, as we are all individuals and we all deal with issues on different levels. I think I’ll never stop grieving her, but life does go on. I think you should continue to live your life as you have been. Moving out isn’t necessarily the answer. I don’t know if you believe in prayer, but prayer is a powerful thing. Ask God to help you through this difficult time. God has been a great source of strength for me and he’s there for all of us, as we are all his children. I will pray for you and ask God that your loneliness comes to an end soon.

Answer 8

Dear Professor,
First my friend I send my condolences. I am truly sorry for your loss. Grief as you have found out is no respector of persons neither is death. My 18 yoa son Jim Jr was taken March 02,2002 in a vehicle accident a half mile from his home and my younger brother Bill age 39 was suddenly diagnosed April 20th,2006 and stepped through Heavens gates May 29th,2006 in Arlington Tx.
So I can relate, I`m there. in the gray realm where thoughts, memories, feelings, even your own mortality come into check and balance problems. You are learning to cope and become who you forever be, not the same as before your partner passed on but a new person with a new understanding of life and it`s momentary value and it`s need to be squeezed every moment.
I don`t wish to write a book here but yes it may be time to change your environment, living situation, understanding you are not running away but running to something anew start where the memories are not at every turn and allow yourself to step up to another level of life and dare to reach out and seize life with all you have , take another chance slowly as you meet new people. but never try to forget where you`ve been. It`s good and appropriate to seek people with the same experience who will be able to relate to your lifes experiences and you to theirs.
Jim

Answer 9

I think it's great that you are thinking about doing something new with yourself. No-one can say how fast a person should move on with their lives but there is a point where you do need to start putting yourself first again and that might seem scary but it is also a part of living. You are young and still have a lot of life to live and although you move on, you never forget and you dont have to either you will just come to a point where you realise that life is for living.

Hope things work out for you.

Answer 10

Firstly im sorry for your loss, everybody deals with situations differently especially grief. You cant really put a time on it and i suppose nobody really fully recovers its when you decide to take the plunge to accept your partner would want you to be happy. I think it would be a good idea to get some bereavement counselling and learn how to move on. You will never forget your partner and one day i believe you will meet again. But you can be happy again.

Answer 11

Grief is different for everybody. It can be 1 week to forever. It just depends on you. It sounds like you're starting to move past it a little just by thinking you should do something new. Just do whatever feels good to you. If you're not comfortable dating yet don't, if you are, then date. If you want to live in the same house, stay, if you need a change move. It's all whatever feels right to you. Only you can answer that.