i am having an affair so to speak with a woman who is in a lt mentally abusive r'ship. Our affair began from an amazing friendship which was totally honest and accepting, which led to us wanting to be together permanently. She wants to leave this abusive partner on her own and does not want me pressurizing this. She has said she will leave him before Xmas and we will be together for new year.Over the past few weeks she has begun putting up her barriers with me, and panicking about things, one day she will be making plans the next she will be saying her head is in a mess. it feels like she is pushing me away, i have told her this she says sorry she cant help it. I do not know what to do, i love her with all my heart and am totally honest with how im feeling.
2006-10-05 22:23:04 · 20 answers · asked by ade 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
i know it is hard but give her the ultimatum that she is either with you or her husband. you didnt say weather there was children envolved either? if there is you should definitly think against splitting them up. this woman needs to decide what she wants so give her your ultimatum then let her make the next move. i know it is hard but would you want to be the bit on the side forever?? maybe she just needs that extra push????? thats what happened to me and although i was not married before i am now and couldnt be happier, so just go for it
2006-10-05 22:28:09 · answer #1 · answered by lp261084 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hm.. How sure are you that she will leave her current partner for you? I have this feeling that she is terrified to leave him.. Be sure of this first.. Ask her is she is sure of her decision.. Don't force her because this may make her more confused.. If she did say that she is scared to leave him, then just befriend her.. She needed a friend more than ever..
On the other hand, Maybe she is a bit traumatized with her abusive partner.. I know you are doing your best to make her feel secured and loved and all but still, she still need this 'feel' of security.. Take time and let her feel that you really loved her and you won't hurt her.. Be patient and have conversations with her..
I don't think she is pushing you away.. I think she is having personal problems.. As I've said before, a trauma of some sort.. Patience and conversations are the prime answers here.. Be strong for her =)
2006-10-06 05:30:46 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well mental abuse can really mess up a woman, or anyone for that matter. When she tells you that she is confused she really is and depending on how long she has been in that relationship it is going to take a long while for her to have a "mind shift" if you will. It sounds as though you truly love her and with true love comes trials and consequences, so if you love her stay with her it is not going to be easy and even after she leaves and is with you she may have dreams or even nightmares about her past (now her present) but you have to be there to hold her up and give her comfort, reassurance and validation. Just remind her that you aren't going anywhere and that you are here for her. Don';t try to forced her out of her current relationship......love her out.
2006-10-06 05:31:36 · answer #3 · answered by Teena R 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Firstly if you are in a relationship you want to finish straight away as it is not fair if you are in love with someone else. Secondly, the woman you are having an affair with will be scared to leave her partner if he is menatlly and physically abusive as she is scared of what he will or could do, not just to her but to you. If she really wants to get out of the relationship and loves you she needs to leave but not to say she has found someone else as that could cause alot of troube for her and you. Once she has left him and he has accepted she will not go back to him you could show that you are a couple. If she is menattly confused you can not presurize her as she will not know what she wants. Good luck, i hope it all works out.
2006-10-06 05:30:13 · answer #4 · answered by CrayzeeKat 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well... what a stupid and sticky situation to be in....
She is in an abusive relationship.... she is scared of the guy, he has her under his control... and he has wiped out any self esteem, self respect or confidence she ever had.... That is going to take time to rebuild...
She is what I would term as "swinging" on a pendulum.. One day she can leave him - hence plans etc, then the next day the pendulum has swung back to the negative side... where she puts her barriers up and feels unable to do it...
In all honesty, how can you expect someone to come out of one relationship and jump straight into another one?
This poor woman needs to "find herself" again, she will need space and definitely no pressure from someone who is pressurising to be with them.
She needs to learn to make her own decisions and learn to be her again....
It is her choice to stay and ONLY SHE CAN MAKE THE DECISION AND FIND THE STRENGTH TO REMOVE HERSELF FROM HER CURRENT SITUATION
Do not expect that the two of you will end up living happily ever after.. wake up and smell the coffee!! Be realistic... walk away and just let her sort herself out... Be there as a friend, do not judge her and dont tell her what to do, even though you want to...
2006-10-06 05:30:53 · answer #5 · answered by Warmnjuicy 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
clearly you love this woman and want to support her, which is great.
but how long are you going to put your own life on hold while you wait for her to decide what she wants? are you 100% sure she's ever going to leave her partner?
you can't do anything except be there for her - she'll leave as and when she's ready. she's bound to be frightened and have doubts, but have you considered that she may never leave at all?
if she doesn't leave by new year, take a step back and get on with your life without her. if she then decides to leave, great. if she doesnt, you'll know she probably never will
2006-10-06 05:29:56 · answer #6 · answered by monkeynuts 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dude hear it from a guy who has been in such a relationship .. its a really tough job .. the facts are it ll be really tough for her to leave this guy even if he s abusive ... if it would have been otherwise then she would have left him a long time ago ... second .. she ll freak out with no reasons at all ... so u better see where u r going to step .. its a tough job .. get into it only if you seriously love her and will be committed ... otherwise its better to be friends with her .. u have no idea how good will it be .. she need s some1 to be beside her .. thats it ... if u cant love her all through try to be a friend ... a supporting friend .. trust me she likes u mad ... but it ll be long when she will start to trust u as her life ...
all the best .. fyi .. i am damn happy with my girl ... trust me.. all the hard work is worth it ...
2006-10-06 05:31:02 · answer #7 · answered by Yash 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
serves you right for having an affair you should be ashamed of yourself get over her she has a husband and she has sounds like she has enough problems as it is without you involved tell her to tell her hasband and to try and sort things out with him and leave her alone if she leaves her husband one day and you meet then it was meant to be but now just let it go honey you should end it before everyone ends up geting hurt dont expect her just to leave her husband for you .
best of luck i hope it works out ;o)
x amy x
2006-10-06 05:35:31 · answer #8 · answered by lalalala 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
shes very confused what to do. let things go and see if she comes to you. dont put more pressure on her. if she admits she is being abused then its up to her to take the first step . your her only friend right now just hand in and stay strong for her.
2006-10-06 05:28:47 · answer #9 · answered by pmcl7725 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
just stick by her and give her time she wiil come when she is ready. all you have to do is be there when she needs you to cmofort her. her head is all messed up at the moment and needs to sort her head out before she makes plans. she is probably scared that the same might happen again but you need to keep reassuring her. then she will come to you when she is ready you cant push her it wiil take time but will be worthit in the end.
2006-10-06 05:47:38 · answer #10 · answered by elizabeth 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋