Serious Question: Why is it important to publically state your sexually orientation?

Question

I'm interested in an intelligent discussion here PLEASE: I am very conservative and I honestly want to know why it is necessary for the gay community to be known or identified by their sexual orientation. My biggest concerns are:
1.) The more "open" the gay lifestyle becomes a part of our society, the more confusing puberty becomes for children.
2.) Kids will experiment more with sexual partners because the gay lifestyle is more accepted.
3.) The message will be sent to our kids that the gay lifestyle is an "option".
Once again, I am serious with my question and I'm not going to rant about religion here because that is personal, but I do have valid concerns. I worry that there are a lot of damaged kids out there because of divorce, sexual abuse, ect. that turn to the gay lifestyle for acceptance and to be noticed. I have spoken with gay people and what I have found is that every gay woman has been sexually abused and for gay men it is about sex. Thanks for your answers.

Thank you so much for your answers. I appreciate the insight. I'm a little disappointed by the 3 thumbs down that my question was given because the question came from a place of honesty for a very frank and intelligent discussion.

Answer 1

First things first:

There is no organized "gay community".

Being gay is not a "lifestyle". Gay people have many different lifestyles just as heterosexuals do. While they both make choices about their lifestyles (what they do for a living, where they live, what they drive, what they eat, etc.) they do not make a choice about their sexuality.

That said; being gay is not like a clothing ensemble you try on......I don't think you need worry that children will consider it an option if they are heterosexual. I would hope that you might worry about the children and adolescents who struggle with their same-sex attraction who choose to live in shame and guilt and fear. Many choose to end their lives rather than face the implied condemnation that your question entails.

By the way, I know many lesbians who have not been sexually abused (I do know and care about a couple of heterosexual women who have been, unfortunately). Also, I am a gay man and it is not "about sex" for me. I am always rather suspicious of those who speak in *absolutes* about others who are so clearly approaching the topic with preconceived notions.

Why do you feel it necessary to state your sexual orientation? Why do you (and other heterosexuals) feel it necessary to have a big wedding, wear a marriage band, talk about your spouses, show pictures of your children in the work-place, speak of your boy/girl friends, tell me about the vacations you took together, kiss on my TV screen, write songs about each other, have laws enacted that protect your relationships...........same reasons that we do.

Answer 2

I appreciate that you posted this question in such a manner that it truly presented your points of view without being insulting or abusive towards gay people. That being said, I would like to address each of your concerns individually (by number in reference to those you listed)

1. Puberty is indeed a confusing time for any kid. However, when you're a gay child, and you're being presented with sexual education from the schools that makes no mention of homosexulaity, it makes it even MORE confusing. Personally, when I was starting puberty (I am 33 now), I was completely confused because up until then, I didn't even really know what homosexuality WAS... then all the Sex Ed classes didn't even approach the subject. Talk about confusing!

2. I'm not sure how you can correlate the acceptance of homosexuality with more promiscuous behavior in children... kids will experiment sexually (hetero or homo) whether or not they are even told about different kinds of sexuality. Sex is a natural instinct- you do not have to be taught how to do it any more that you have to be taught to eat food.

3. It may be true that homosexuality is presented or perceived to kids as an option, however this does not mean that kids who are heterosexual will change their mind about being straight simply because the idea was put into their head. A kid has to BE gay ALREADY to feel that this is the way they want to live.

One thing that you have to remember is that sexuality is in-born, a natural instinct... the STRONGEST natural instinct a person has, as a matter of fact. The SECOND strongest natural instinct a person has is to eat... if you don't like cabbage, no matter how much people tell you how delicious it is and how much they love it, they are not going to get you to LIKE cabbage. In that respect, nobody is going to entice you into being gay if you do not have the instinct to be that way.

I hope this helps and maybe expands your mindset just a little.

Answer 3

Just re-read your own question and you should realize why you get the thumbs down.
You don't want an intelligent conversation. You just want verification of your preconceived concerns of homosexuality.
As has already been said above, it isn't a matter of 'being identified' as gay. But it is a matter of being understood and accepted without malice. We are not out to change or recruit your children. People who harm kids sexually are paedophiles not homosexual. A large majority of paedophiles are straight - not gay.
Kids will experiment with sexual partners because they are kids. It is normal. Since, for example, a young boys best buddy is another boy, it is normal for them to experiment with each other. I think you will find if they were really honest, a vast majority of men would admit to such fooling around. But they are not homosexual, and never will be.
To think that homosexuality is an "option" is a seriously misconceived notion, and one that I really find amazing that in to-days society, there are people who still think it is a choice. Believe me, if it was, do you really think that I would choose a life time of dealing with homophobic bigotry, as well as actual both verbal and physical abuse.
I do agree that many children are damaged because of divorce and abuse with-in their family. It may cause them to be anti-marriage and abusive themselves, but it will not make them become homosexual.
I don't know where you find the gay people you talk to. I know many lesbians, and very few were ever abused - certainly, no more that women in general suffer such abuse. As for gay men. I will admit that sex is all important when they are young much the same as it is for young straight men. (go to any straight bar and you will see I'm correct.) However, with maturity, comes the need for a loving & stable one on one relationship no matter what your sexual orientation is.
I hope this answers most of your concerns.

Answer 4

You have seen the future... you know this is going to happen? HALLELUJAH, the messiah has come!
1.) In all seriousness, how do you think we felt at puberty when we figured out we were "different"? We were confused as hell, so it might make puberty more easy if the gay community is more widely accepted.
2.) I've never experimented with sexual partners... I may be a ho, but I'm only a ho with one person at a time.
3. It probably won't be seen as an option, just as being okay to be who you are... because obviously keeping it underground isn't working, right? As a sidenote, I was never abused as a child, and neither was anyone else I know.
And as for the flaunting of the gay lifestyle, why is it ok for you to flaunt your boyfriend or husband, but I can't flaunt my girlfriend... we fought for equal rights for the races, genders, and ages... why not for sexual orientations? I enjoyed this discussion... thanks for letting me vent.

Answer 5

Well, I am a women that likes women, and I can tell you right now that I was never sexually abused. So you can put that 'fact' down right now. You have to understand that right now, with people telling everyone that they are gay is a way for people that don't know alot about being gay (which sounds like you) that those people do exist, and that the number is alot more then you would want to think. Did you know that one of the #1 reasons teens attempt to kill themselves is because of the fact that they are trying to cope with being cast as an outsider, or freak because of the sexual feelings that they are dealing with? That is one of the reasons that people like me tell people about what they feel, so that others won't feel so isolated and alone. When you say that the gay lifestyle is an "option," you make it sound like a choice. It's not. Some people are born to only like one gender, and some like both. There is nothing you can do about that, and to try to tell a young person that it is an option would to make them second-guess themselves, which can lead to years of denial, which is another leading cause of depression in teens and adults. I think that it is important for people(not just teens) to experiment, the only way you can be sure is to try, especially if you're already thinking about it, you might as well test it out to get it out of the way. "gay" isn't a lifestyle, and if you are thinking about the stereotypical gay guys, they are cute and all, but I kow just as many 'manly-men' type of gay guys; just because someone is gay dosen't mean that they will gel up thier hair and love Prada shoes, I'm sorry, but that's a stereotype. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I'd personally rather hang out with someone that cares about the way they smell over someone that smells like a sewer anyday! I tried to answer all of your questions, but then I started to ramble, so thanks for your time, and thank you for trying to get the other viewpoint without bringing up religion as most people do, you are trying to get another side to what's going on, good for you!

Answer 6

Why disclose - well, for me it's because the amout of energy and effort it takes to constantly censor myself became too extreme. How often when you go to work or a social gathering do you hear someone, in just casual conversation, say the name of their spouse, or mention activities done with their spouse? Because my partner is the same gender I am it's not supposed to be okay for me to talk about them? I'm not Out because of any agenda or need other than not to lie about myself. I've found that saying "I prefer not to discuss my personal life" is considered rude, or stuck up, it's perceived as a "cold shoulder" and usually only raises suspicion about what I might be hiding. So, here are my options as far as I can see them:

I can sit around mute, for fear of accidently saying something that might be perceived as offensive.

I can carefully guard everything I say, all the time, which is very exhausting and stiffling.

Or, I can be myself, casually, not go out of my way to be evasive or lie, and simply hope that people will learn that there's more about me than my orientation by daring to get to know me.


Oh, there is another other reason for me: Because of being hurt in the past sometimes telling someone up front is a sort of defensive mechanism - I'd rather not be Dumped later, as a friend once I've gotten emotionally invested in a friendship - because the friend figures out/learns that I'm gay [this has actually happened to me].

Answer 7

I am not a scholar, nor am I degreed in social science. I am however a mom. While I try to understand people such as your self I also must admit that I cannot believe that people in this day and age would even think or still think such nonsense.

I have 4 children, one is straight, one is bi-sexual, one is homosexual and one has chosen not to tell me thier personal sexual preference but is living with a person of the opposite sex but has admitted to kissing a person of the same gender. I love and accept each one as the wonderful people they are, have become and will continue to be.

Going point by point I will tell you what I believe, be it right or wrong. It is strictly my humble opinion, not gospel and certainly not gleaned from any sort of research.

1.) The more "open" the gay lifestyle becomes a part of our society, the more confusing puberty becomes for children.
a) Puberty is a confusing part of growing up everyone must go through not matter what your gender, sexual inclinations or socioeconomic lifestyle.
b) Parents should teach their children that no matter what they are to be true to self and never fear discussing their feelings or feel they would be rejected by their parents for such feelings.

2.) Kids will experiment more with sexual partners because the gay lifestyle is more accepted.
a) Children first start "experimenting" with their bodies long before puberty sets in.
b) All children begin "experimenting" with sexual urges because it is a normal process of becoming aware of what feels good.
c) At a very young age, children naturally "play doctor or house" as a way of identifying with the adult role models in their lives.
d) Sexual orientation has nothing to do with the natural curiosities of childhood and puberty.

3.) The message will be sent to our kids that the gay lifestyle is an "option".
a) Sexuality or more correctly stated, "sexual orientation" is not an "option". You are attracted to whom you are attracted to. Be it same gender, opposite gender, same race or different race. You cannot "choose" to be homosexual, straight or bisexual, no more than you can choose to be a different nationality. You are who you are.
b) The message will be sent that it is OK to express ones self without fear of persecution, discrimination or the withholding of parental love and acceptance.

" I worry that there are a lot of damaged kids out there because of divorce, sexual abuse, ect. that turn to the gay lifestyle for acceptance and to be noticed."
a) As a survivor of sexual abuse, divorce and chemical dependant family members, I have to honestly say that it held no bearing on what my sexual orientation was to be.
b) A person, be it child, teen or adult will seek those who they connect with, can identify with and have a reasonable belief that they can be trusted.
c) A homosexual person might connect with a straight person because they "trust" that person to give them honest, open, non-judgmental information and acceptance.
d) A troubled youth might seek the advice of someone that is not going to damn them for feeling the way they do.
e) It is not about being "noticed" it is about seeking friendship in another and guidance or help with something that they have failed to receive from the people that should have been there to answer all the hard questions and understand the feelings they are feeling. Those people are their parents.

"I have spoken with gay people and what I have found is that every gay woman has been sexually abused and for gay men it is about sex."
a) You have not spoken to enough “gay people"
b) Not every "gay woman" has been sexually abused nor is just sex that drives a "gay mans" relationships.
c) Generalizing the homosexual community as you have is as bad as saying one of the following. "All straight women want to be taken care of and have as many babies as possible to trap a man" or "All men just want what they can get from a woman" or Marriage is for those who cannot live alone" or "All single people are afraid to commit or just to selfish to commit to another person"
d) This is discrimination of sexual orientation at it's worst.



Sorry I was so long winded.... again it is my personal opinion and in no way is it meant to speak for everyone.

Answer 8

To answer the first part of your question, one of the main reasons that we believe it important to publically state our sexual orientation is that we are second class citizens and quietly not making a point of it has lead to some very falacious ideas of what homosexual people are like. Truth, we are like everybody else save that we are romantically attracted to the same sex. Another factor is that hiding is to live in shame and we have no reason to be ashamed of who we are. And, even with the political action, the reality is that most gays/lesbians blend in to society so much so that without a partner with us (and even quite often when there is) you would not recognize us as gay. So, in short, it's about firmly believing that it wrong for 40 of the 50 states to legally allow people to be fired or denied housing simply because the boss or the bank finds out something about our personal lives. We also pay taxes to subsidize the benefits of marriage that we are not only denied but also required to incur substantial out of pocket legal costs to ensure that we can be with our partner in the hospital, property rights, etc. Quietly living our lives without political action has only made it easier to continue the inequalities and second class citizenship status.

As far as influence on children, first you should be aware that all studies on gay families (short, mid, and long term) conclude that our kids grow up to be just as well adjusted as kids raised in straight families and that our children have no higher propensity to be gay than the children of straights.

All kids go through experimenting with all types of things during puberty. The thing is, if you are not innately attracted to the same sex, it's not gonna be something a kid is inclined to pursue. Besides, MTV and so forth has a much bigger influence on the fads kids try than granting a bunch of older lesbians and gays the ability to sustain work, housing, and yes marriage. Furthermore, the only real influence that it'll have on kids is hopefully to stop beating up and ridiculing the kids that actually are gay. See, the idea that sexual experimentation with someone that you are not attracted to is very low. It's like being concerned about accepting computer geeks because of the Internets success is going to send all the kids wanting to sleep with one. Ha, it's just not going to happen. It makes no sense. It's like trying to get a gay person to fall for someone of the opposite sex. It doesn't work that way. I'm not sure there's a whole lot more that I can say, except that drugs, alcohol, and gangs are much much bigger influences and concerns for our youth.

A bit long winded and I'm tired. I hope this does make some sense for you.

Answer 9

what amazes most about the "what about the kids" argument is that conservatives tend to completely forclose that their children could ever actually be gay. Being gay is something that your children may be born with. If they don't understand that who they are (and at that age, they are nothing but scared and mad about the whole thing anyway) is okay and acceptable, it just causes more problems. There is a reason that there is such a high suicide rate amonst gay teens. It stems from people not wanting them have the "option" of being gay. They didn't choose it and they can't change it.

Answer 10

first of all I dont think so there is a gay lifestyle.. it's just something differente.. to be gay it's not an option it's a decision since you were born.. being gay it's not just being confusing..it's to be honesty about that you want.. to tell everybody that you are gay it's not very important but not everybody is gay so u can tell them that you are.. and there are not girlie gays there are manly guys as well.. I dont think so there is a gay community!! the gay people lives like whoever person they dont need a community in special they could live without to tell they are gay, even sure it's important cuz if they wanna know gay people