please proofread my esay?

Question

the question is how would you change the world and why?
am i getting my point across clearly?
did i explain it well enough
i cannot exactly add more because the max is 250 words and i am at 248.
thank you.

Muslims are terrorists. Asians are smart. Teenagers do not know anything. Nobody really notices that they judge people before they meet them. People say they are not prejudiced, but in a way, everyone is. Many people have these preconceived notions before they actually talk to a person.. The most important factor in being human is a person’s character. If I could change the world, I would make everyone more accepting of others.
It irks me to see people making fun of others because of the way they look. I do not think people understand the fact that if everyone were the same, this world would be boring. Differences are what make everyone unique, which makes this world so interesting. People should not be judged by what is on the outside, but by the content of their character. If everyone were more accepting of others, the whole world would start to change. When a person learns how to treat others with respect and an open mind, they tend to have other great character traits as well,

such as honesty, integrity, and loyalty.
Unfortunately, I cannot change the whole world on my own, but what I can do is try to be a better person by accepting others for who they are. The more people try to better themselves, the more other people will start to follow. One day, people will start to realize how important it is to treat each others with respect judge their character. There is hope.

agh i really like the answers thanks so much!!! i dont know which one to pick as the best but then again that doesn't matter right now.... totally true i am being totally repetitive!!! argh but i dont want to go into depth because i dont want to go over the max which is 250 words.

i hope this isn't too bad for a high school senior..... i am applying for this scholarship and i know my sentences are short but my teachers have always told me to get to the point in shorter sentences..
dammit at least it's OKAY.

and the last 2 answers were probably the best

the last one made me laugh like no other lol i will definitely put the first three in quotes! i didnt' realize that it would definitely throw the reader off

Answer 1

Okay I'm not sure what level the essay is for (grade school, college, etc.) but here's a few things I think should be looked at.

You might want to reword your opening. It's very choppy. You want it to flow.

Also, I wouldn't use the word irks. For an essay you should be more formal.

I think you explained it pretty well. Again that is kind of subjective based on the level that this is for.

Answer 2

"Asians are smart." "Teenagers do not know anything "Muslims are terrorists." Many people have these similar preconceived notions before they actually meet a person.. The most important factor in being human is a person’s character. If I could change the world, I would make everyone more accepting of each other's differences..
It irks me to see people making fun of others because of the way they look. I do not think people understand the fact that if everyone were the same, this world would be boring. Individual differences makes everyone unique, which makes this world interesting. People should not be judged by what is on the outside, but by the content of their character. If everyone were more accepting of others, the whole world would start to change. When a person learns how to treat others with respect and an open mind, they tend to have other great character traits as well,
such as honesty, integrity, and loyalty.
Unfortunately, I cannot change the whole world on my own, but what I can do is try to start the change with me by being more accepting others for who they are. The more people try to better themselves, the more other people will start to follow. One day, people will start to realize how important it is to treat each other with respect . Live and let live. There is hope.

Answer 3

What grade are you in? I think this is a simple, well formulated essay, but I don't know if it is sophisticated enough for high-school level writing. It is simple and clear but the topic seems a little generic and overdone. However, taken as it is, it is a good essay. I may add a few more body paragraphs to go more into depth about how people learning to be more open minded would change the world.

Can you answer this question?:
Why is the world a better place when people are more open-minded, less judgemental, and/or more accepting?

Good job, though.

Answer 4

"Muslims are terrorists." Definitely an attention grabbing intro, but do you really want to lead in with that? When I first read that, I had an immediate strong negative reaction, like "what kind of idiot are you?" Leading in with something too shocking is a good way to turn people away by the time they have read the first sentence. Maybe it might be good to lead in with one of the less shocking stereotypes and build up to the most shocking one (which I think this applies).

Or maybe like this...
(Attention grabber example stereotype); (filler stereotype). (Shocker stereo type)

Of course, depending upon who your readers are, "Teenagers are idiots" may be the most shocking statement.

Oh.. Actually, one more thing. If you put quotes around "Muslims are Terrorists" and your other stereotypes, you are making it clear that you are not necessarily speaking in 1st person. You aren't necessarily speaking about your own opinions. In which case leading with "Muslims are Terrorists", may be OK.

Answer 5

Your point is a good one. Here are a few suggestions for communicating it more strongly --

Try rearranging your first paragraph. It wasn't until I had read your entire essay that I realized that the first 3 sentences were supposed to serve as examples of prejudice. I thought you were trying to make factual statements. You'd be better starting your essay with this sentence, "If I could change the world, I would make everyone more accepting of others." Then everyone would know what point you were trying to make right off the bat.

This sentence is redundant; get rid of it, " Differences are what make everyone unique, which makes this world so interesting."

Same with this one, "If everyone were more accepting of others, the whole world would start to change."

Both of these are good sentences, but you'd already made those points; repeating them makes it seem like you can't explain yourself, only repeat yourself. There are a couple other repetitive sentences that could be deleted as well. Instead of repeating yourself, try to explain why what you say is true.

End with your strongest statement, "Unfortunately, I cannot change the whole world on my own, but what I can do is try to be a better person by accepting others for who they are."

The real trick will be for all of us to put that into practice, won't it? But let's do it, one person at a time.

-----------------------------------

That was tricky :)

Let's see....

"People get along better at first, when they come together with open minds and acceptance. "

This is a loaded sentence. You're trying to put too much in there. Unpack it. Also you need to either decide whether this is your opinion (in which case you should say, "In my opinion ___" or "I feel that ____) or whehter this is fact (in which case you need to provide evidence to suppot your argument).

Try working with this -- "It seems to me that we could all relate to each other better if we: welcome opportunities to come together, try to keep our minds open, and accept each other as unique individuals"

Answer 6

The greatest difficulty is this essay could be very familiar and dull. Why no longer begin colossal? "Some day I'd love to seem again, as I thank the Nobel Prize Committee, and feel how it began with Dr. Anwar Farooq. He's no longer a prize winner, or a popular guy, however he's the purpose I've grow to be interested within the normal sciences."

Answer 7

Most important: Put each of the first three sentences in (separate) quotation marks: "Muslims are terrorists." "Asians are smart." "Teenagers don't know anything." The way you've got it set up, it sounds like these are statements _you_ are making when really they are examples of stupid, prejudicial statements that other people have made and which you are disputing.

Answer 8

Concentrate on the content thant the number of words and try to build a flow of thought on what you are trying to convey, as the start of the essay are disjointed sentances

Answer 9

Rating ---- C minus. Too many short sentences, too many personal opinions, consider adding some background proof for your statements.

Answer 10

i think it's pretty good. tho i don't completely agree with it...i think if everyone was accepting of our differences the world would be more boring than if we were the same. we need to APPRECIATE OUR DIFFERENCES, not ignore them!

....but other than that i'd give it an A. good luck!