My parents divorced when I was 18, I am now 29. My father has remarried and seems happy, but he still carries the grudge that he has had against my mom since they divorced. He will not come to any family get togethers, including my childrens birthday parties or school functions, because my mom will be there. He has never said that is the reason, but it is obvious. If it is something that grandparents would be invited to, he comes up with an excuse every single time. For birthdays, he will say he is busy at the time of the party, but says he will bring by their gift later on in the day, or the next day. He misses out on everything in my kids life. I know some would say it is his loss, but I think it is also my kids too. I grew up very close to all 4 of my grandparents and want the same for my kids. I think it has been long enough that my dad needs to let go of his resentment against my mom for divorcing him. He is a very serious and stuborn man though. Any suggestion?
2006-10-05 15:24:57 · 10 answers · asked by LittleMermaid 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Trust me I know the details, I know you probably don't think I really do, but I do. Birthday parties are just the beginning. Sure he can stop by at another time, but he misses the cake, the presents, and all that. He also misses out on pagents, school plays and stuff like that. There is no coming over later with things like that. My mom has no problem being in the same room with him and his wife. She will just ignore them and focus on her grandkids. I think he could be a bigger person for an hour or two and avoid my mom, for my kids sake. He also misses out on all the same things with my brothers kids.
2006-10-05 15:34:23 · update #1
My parents divorced when I was younger then you. I was 8. My father married his mistress and my mother drove him into her arms b/c she was a controlling b****.
That being said, when I got married at 19, my parents had not been in the same room together since then without mediation. I wanted my dad to walk me down the isle and I wanted my mom there but I didn't want the drama. I sat each of them down, told them the other was invited and that I thought it was about time that they grew up and acted like adults. Reminded them that I was getting married and that if either of them wanted to see their grandkids then they needed to get over then and there b/c I was not having two birthday parties every year b/c they couldn't be in the same room.
Surprising enough they both listened. That was 12 years ago. My youngest daughter turned 4 yesterday and Sunday is her birthday party and they will both be there. They learned that even thought they hated each other they owed it to me and their grandkids to act like adults.
2006-10-05 15:47:48 · answer #1 · answered by channielynn 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hope you will listen to this. I had a good friend for about 25 years. He had been married, had one son. He talked of his ex often, and also the son; it was some years before I found out how totally estranged he was. He hadn't seen the son in 20 years or the wife in the same. He asked me to help him make a will, he left everything to the son, but didn't even know where he was; and he finally told me that he had backed away from the family for the boy's sake. The divorce was bad, threats were made, whatever; and he was also a stubborn proud man. My friend's health worsened, he passed out in his car and stopped breathing for some time before the paramedics got his heart going again. I checked with five or so doctors, all gave me the same answer, and I said we would pull the plug. I had POA.
I told the doctor to wait a bit, though because I wanted to try to find the son. I DID! And he got to see his father one last time in the hospital. I arranged the funeral and met the son there. I told him his father had loved him, there was some reconcilation. Come to find out the son's mother had died two years before and no one knew how to find my friend, either. This whole mess is sad and now also involves the feelings of my friend's grandchildren who have felt deprived also.
Of course you interpret this anyway you choose. It would be nice if your parents got along, but, after ten years, and your father being in a happy marriage, I just don't see that happening. It sounds like he may have stepped aside and just let the ex have the family life. There ARE things you'll never know.
My suggestion: please make a separate time for your father and your children's grandfather. I know you have, but forget trying to bring ALL the family back together. He's chosen to be #2, but you can make him feel like #1, at least part of the time. If it were your mother not attending, would you treat her differently than you are treating your father? I am in no way saying ANY of this is your fault. But, you'll be sorry if someday you have to pull the plug.
2006-10-05 22:54:47 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I divorced the first time when my daughters were 13 & 9. It tokk all i had to go the the events that had. I ususlly went anyway unless I reall did have to work or was out of town. Their can be many reasons why your father will not join in on your family events. For me it was guilt. I hope you get yor problem resolved but your dad has is own reasons and if something doesn't change don't look for him at the next party.
2006-10-05 22:41:25 · answer #3 · answered by hydroco 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a divorced mom of young adults, I'm guessing he's doing the best he can. If you haven't been through a divorce as one of the divorcing spouses, you don't know every nuance of the feelings or what happened. It may still be hard to be around your mom due to guilt, pain or whatever. I think his stopping by in a timely manner but apart from her is a great idea -- it's what I would have recommended if you hadn't already mentioned it.
2006-10-05 22:28:12 · answer #4 · answered by catintrepid 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't get down too much on your Dad. He's doing the best he can. Remember, if he is making so many excuses, he is in a lot of pain. It's not up to you to say 'it's been long enough'. I like that he makes the effort to stop by later in the day. He still loves his grandkids so they're not missing out. It sounds like it's more your complaint because it's not happening the way you'd like.
2006-10-05 22:33:03 · answer #5 · answered by Arnold M 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He is the parent, not you. You can't make him do anything.
There may be some history there that you don't know about.
Just keep letting him know about stuff and tell him that he's welcome to come to family gatherings. He'll come if and when he's ready.
2006-10-05 22:30:02 · answer #6 · answered by Jim 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have him take a friend. that's what i do when i go to the other side of the family's reunions.
2006-10-05 22:31:47 · answer #7 · answered by Becky S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My dream come true. Relatives that WON'T come over.
Don't push it.
2006-10-05 22:27:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
ima computa
2006-10-05 22:26:41 · answer #9 · answered by cmrncobb 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell him what you told us.
2006-10-05 22:30:34 · answer #10 · answered by eddygordo19 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋