Married people, I need to now if my probem is normal?

Question

This is bugging me. I have been with my husband for 4 years, we have a child and are doing great in our marriage. Yet, I still find myself thinking of my ex from time to time, which is silly because we dated from when i was 14-17. i cant help but think about him. not in a romantic way, but just that i wish i could talk to him and see how he is. he drove by me the other day, and my stomach literally lurched, i had thought he was in the service and away. we arent even right for eachother. our chemistry and connectoin were strong, but i am a family oriented person, and hes more flighty and a trouble maker. i KNOW our lives arent compatible, and i love being with my husband, so WHY am I haunted by my past?! we were never even sexually active together. am i lacking closure? is it true you never get over your first love? Is it normal to think of an ex on occassion? has anyone else gone thru this? could really use some advice or something. thanks SO much, you guys are awesome.

Answer 1

You are drawn to the unknown, to an illusion that you could have good things with yor ex, that you didn't get everything out of that relationship.

You already made a decision to move on. Move on. Yes it is normal to think about him sometimes, but keep it in check. You may be having little problems in your marriage, at the level of slight discomfort. Think what they are, work them out before they grow into huge monsters. It is normal, but it is a bad sign.

Answer 2

Yes, what you are going thru is normal. I'm in the same situation. I met "my first love" when i was 14 and we broke up when I was 16. We had no contact for 17 years and now thanks to the Internet have been back in touch with each other for about 6 years now. We have a great friend ship and we still have a connection that we can't explain but we both know that it will never be more then friends. If you can, talk with him and get that closure that you need.. That way you can stop the "what ifs" . Have you talked to your husband about this? Life has a way of really playing havoc with our minds. It sounds like your really happy with your life and glad that your not with the ex, but for whatever reason you have unresolved feelings that you need to get out. Good luck and remember that he's a ex for a reason and make your husband feel very special!

Answer 3

I think it's normal to think of an ex on occasion, but don't let yourself dwell on it. Wrong actions begin in the mind - and if you think about it enough, you'll find yourself pursuing it. Why do you want to know how he is? What is it taking from your life? Is it worth losing your family? It may start off innocent (as a thought) but it could quickly escalate to something you might not have been prepared for. There's some sort of curiosity or need for excitement in your life that you need to fulfill in some other way. He is a fixation that surely you would not go for if you were single, am I right? Leave it as a memory and be grateful for the wonderful family and life you're building with your husband.

Answer 4

It is very normal to remember your first love. We all do. After all he was around with you for 3 years, but we manage to block out the majority of the bad times during that period. So to remember it, it is like remembering an easier time in our lives when we lived at home, worried about school, friends, no bills, etc, basically it was the good ole days of our lives. So when you remember him,you bring up the what ifs and nots, and then your imagination takes over and we get swept up in the moment and take a step out of reality. Chances are however, he may not remember you,and thats what bothers you most;the unknowns, does he remember you, his feelings, etc. But since you are married, this is now considered your life before marriage and do remember; its not having what you want but wanting what you have. Think about it and leave the past where it belongs. Good luck

Answer 5

I think of it more as a long ago friend than a love. You had alot of negative things to say about him as far as boyfriend material but you talked about him as a best friend. I think you miss him like that and you should not feel guilty about it. Why shouldn't you check up on him from time to time. I wouldn't hang out with him or anything and don't hide it from your husband but explain that it is an old friend you would like to keep connected with. Most likely a good phone conversation would ease your frustration and satisfy your curiuosity. I am not married but divorced and lost track of good friends during that time and I regret that now. I am in a similiar situation right now. I dated a girl 5 yrs ago for 6 months but since the relationship we became best friends. She has gotten married but still every 3-4 months one of us contacts the other just to see how the other is doing. Somehow we just have to even though we are living seperate lives now.

Answer 6

Its absolutely normal, why wouldnt a person remember someone they were involved with after the fact? I'm 45 and still occasional think of a girl I was serious with over 20 yrs ago. If I knew how to contact her I would just to see how her life turned out. I am very much in love with the only woman I'd ever want so there is no romantic curiousity at all. Dont worry about thinking of them

Answer 7

The best way to get over an ex is to remember why he is an ex. We tend to forget the bad things ex-boyfriends do to us and remember the good things we fell in love with. But an ex is an ex for a reason. Remember what happened the moment you broke up and if it was painful remember that also and it is almost guaranteed to not like him as much. It is a sure fire way to remember why you love you husband and child and why you cherish the relationship you have now and not the one you HAD in the past. Take care.

Answer 8

When you love someone, the love that you have for each guy is different, so don't think they're all the same. I understand how you feel, but trust me, you are not committing adultry, you are not cheating on your husband. Your feeling for your ex will never change because you loved him once in your life. It's a thing of your past, and I hope you see it that way. My husband was involved in many relationship in the past, and he told me that his love for each one of them are different. It's not something you can make a comparison with. It is what it is. If you were to tell your husband, I'm sure he will understand too (if you're not his first either). As long as you dont cheat on your husband, what you're feeling is alright.

Answer 9

It is normal to think about people from our past and people we loved is even going to be more often. The trick is to not give them too much of our time in thought or deed. I am sure your husband has a few girls in his past too. Think of how you would feel if he entertained those thoughts. People tend to forget that we have a thing called self control and our thought life can fit under that power. Try switching your thoughts over to your husband every time the ex comes knockin at your brain. I have a very active fantasy life. It is how I fall asleep at night, but my husband is my only love in those fantasies (even after seeing a Matthew McConaughey movie...because I take control) and I never get bored and I love him more every day.

Answer 10

It is very normal. I still think about a man that I had a relationship with 8 years ago. I loved him very much and we shared things that I never expect to share with any other man. The bad thing is, I compare everybody to him. We both married other people. As far as I know, his marriage is a happy one. Mine ended in divorce. I honestly think as long as I live, I will always wonder "what if"? And I know if I saw him my stomach would lurch just like yours did. But really, as long as you're not comparing him to your husband (like i did) there shouldn't be a problem hon.