What's over that tall building,
Is it just plain blue sky,
Or is it the heaven promised,
By the tall building itself.
If you would all walk with me,
We would be gone by now,
We'd be over that tall building,
Instead we're crammed inside.
My image is so vivid,
Though no one else can see it.
For people use their eyes much more,
Than their unlimited sized mind.
It could be another living hell,
And the whole world could starve,
One thing that's more precious than that,
We will not be alone.
2006-10-05 07:43:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
thats a gnarly poem it has a message that says things to evrey body
2006-10-05 07:51:34 · answer #1 · answered by Jester 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
hi,
my reply is, i liked it though ,as a poem it was perhaps a little to deep for me.
The reference to surrounding,perspective and individuality, may have been expressed a little less jumpily as in ,from one paragraph to another. But then again this may be purely in the spirit of the way I read it.
The first line is great. what makes us look... This captured my attention and made me want too read on... and look up into the blue sky... I felt it is saying some thing about our place in our environment..
This is only my view.....of course others could
elaborate and will see the poem from there own perspective.
2006-10-05 08:52:30 · answer #2 · answered by mrtootes7 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Where are YOU - in the building or looking at it? Are you crammed inside the building - use something else than a building - I believe that you are trying to express your limited ability to see beyond - but by brining in another person, to walk with you - you are distracting from the thought of the limitless ability of seeing further than our own cramped reality. Sorry - hope that you don't think I am running it down - it just doesn't flow.
2006-10-05 07:52:23 · answer #3 · answered by PP4865 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have a real talent for imagery. From the absence of rime and rhythm, I'll presume your intent is entirely around the abstract thought. There I think you can use your formidable creativity to enhance sections of your poem. The last two lines in the next to last stanza are hard for the reader. I think the problem is "unlimited sized" minds. It feels awkward. Try to clarify the hope of the last stanza.
Thank you for sharing.
2006-10-05 07:53:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love the concept, from what I understand of it, but the right flow just isn't there. It could use better imagery and meter but I think with some more work it could be awesome :)
2006-10-05 07:53:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Xamanator. There is no flow, and I prefer rhyming poems. Merelying writing in short lines does not a poem make.
2006-10-05 07:52:57 · answer #6 · answered by doggiebike 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not much. There are problems of standpoint - are you inside or outside the building? Also, you have no sense of the music of words. Your piece reads like a piece of prose with chopped up lines.
2006-10-05 07:49:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I agree with Xamanator. It seems a little choppy and unclear. Maybe a little rhyming would help it flow better. Good start though.
2006-10-05 07:53:18 · answer #8 · answered by Ændru 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IF you are an avid poetry writer put it to the test. Go to
http://www.poetry.com
You can win cash for having your poem picked. I won 5,000 for my poem and they sent me to Philly to read it at a convention center and presented me with a trophy. It was great.
2006-10-05 07:51:59 · answer #9 · answered by Kit 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think it's quite good.
2006-10-05 07:50:05 · answer #10 · answered by Chrispy 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋