My friend has been with (and known) her husband for 3 years total. She got pregnant by accident after dating for 3 month and they married while she was pregnant.
Now their youngest is two and she just gave birth to their second daughter. The second baby was unplanned too. She said her husband use to be sweet while they were dating at first, but now he treats her like crap. His mother died about 6 months ago and he is meaner than ever before.
She said he doesn’t hit her or cheat on her, but she knows that she would have never married him if she didn’t get pregnant.
Should a woman in her position divorce her husband, or should she live with her decisions and stay with the man that fathered her children?
2006-10-05 07:14:14 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Divorce him! Children arn't stupid and they will pick up on their parent's unhappiness. Children are not reason to stay in a loveless marriage.
2006-10-05 07:17:28 · answer #1 · answered by Jane D 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
The first thing she should do is get on reliable birth control so she doesn't get pregnant again. Neither of these children were planned, and that's plain irresponsible. Had she not gotten pregnant, she would have never married her husband.
The best thing she can do is make the best out of a bad situation. My guess is that her husband doesn't want to be married either. Think about it: you married a girl you were just dating because she got pregnant. Marriage was probably the last thing on your mind and now you feel trapped. Then your mom dies. I'm not saying that it's ok for him to be an a**hole, but he's got a lot going on. He's grieving on top of everything else, and is not married to someone who doesn't know him or care enough about him to be supportive. There's not any love between them to make it work.
If she stays with him, her kids will be raised by parents who resent having to be married to one another. They won't have examples of a loving partnership, but of two people tolerating each other because of them. I've seen it first hand; after she had grown older, one of the kids told me she was happy when her parents divorced; it put an end to the arguments and unhappiness in their home.
She should find a way to talk to him. He may appreciate that she wants out and may want it too. It would be better for the kids to have two loving parents that live separate, happy lives than parents who live together under a cloud of resentment.
2006-10-05 07:27:05 · answer #2 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She thinks she's doing the right thing by staying with him because they have children. Bad thing to do! I know someone who went through the same thing. She just now got out of the relationship (if you want to call it that) and it's the best thing she's ever done. Getting married only because you get pregnant is the worse thing two people can do. The longer she waits through this it may only get worse. Next thing you know they'll be fighting all the time and that's a terrible thing for children to see. Does she love him? If there's no love there anymore they should seriously end the marriage. What's the point of waisting your life a way being unhappy? The children will be fine as long as they still love and take care of them that doesn't mean they have to be together to be great parents!
2006-10-05 07:22:08 · answer #3 · answered by Curious J. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it depends on a couple of things. Does he need some space and time to grieve the death of his mom? That is huge... he is probably going through A LOT over that.
However, she shouldn't stay there (for the kids) if she doesn't want to. The kids will be better off in a healthy happy environment than in one where two people fight all the time.
But I'm sure its more stressful right now due to the death of his mom.
That's a tough one... I would wait for six months and see what develops... try and get counseling and whatnot.
2006-10-05 07:30:35 · answer #4 · answered by Use my Yahoo! Avatar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest that they get counseling first. If that doesn't work out then I would suggest a divorce. There is no sense in staying with someone just because you have children. Parents don't like to believe that the children don't see how they treat each other, but they do, kids are smart. I'm sure she doesn't want them growing up in a house where they think its OK to treat mommy like crap. If her daughter's see this, they'll probably end up with men who treat them badly because mommy was treated that way. Good Luck!!
2006-10-05 07:19:27 · answer #5 · answered by Littles 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even if on accident, her life belongs to those childrent for the next 18 years. She should do what would be best for them because when she made them and then KEPT them she forfeited the right to do what she wanted with her life. She did marry the guy and make promises in front of god and he's not cheating or beating. Maybe she just needs to try and spruce up her relationship. Marriage counseling, dinner alone without the kids, things with him together to create a new connection.
2006-10-05 07:19:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
They should get some counseling.
I would hope people put wellbeing of their children above their own petty feelings and work as hard as possible to create a stable, loving home for the kids.
There are 2 sides to this story-- how well does she treat her husband, who has recently lost his mother? How much "meaner" has she been to him these days?
It's really starting to sicken me to see so many people spout off about "deserving to be happy" and encourage divorce, rather than just growing the eff up and dealing with your choices and responsibilities. She's 50% of this relationship and as a wife and mother, it's her responsibity, too.
2006-10-05 07:21:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She should divorce him if that is what she wants to do.
However, she might consider marriage counselling first before pulling the trigger on a divorce, and I might recommend that because it is possible that their issues could be worked out, it is also to the benefit of the children if they atleast try and make it work.
However, if the husband can't or won't work on it to improve the situation then she should leave and divorce him, the children will benefit from having 2 parents that are happy, either together or apart more than if they have 2 parents that are together but miserable.
I hope this works out for her, Good luck.
2006-10-05 07:17:48 · answer #8 · answered by Teclis98 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Ok, that is a hard decision. But I think even if it sounds selfish... never stay married because of the children. At the long run they both might end up bitter, cheating on each other or fighting all the time. Kids are pretty smart, they aknowledge things, they are going to notice that mommy and daddy dont get along. You dont want to create hostile enviroment for them or yourself. specially if they see them fight or yield at each other. If she is not happy and not in love, I'll say move on or should I say out!! It will take time to adjust, but in the long run I think they will better off with out each other. Of course he will still have to support his children, help her out with financing and not to forget that regarless if they are not together as a couple.. there is always going to be a relationship between them because they have in common the children. They should arange visiting hours or schedule days where he takes the children out to the park or whatever.. but it is important that he dosn't stop seen his kids. and most important they have to make it clear that is not because of them they are separating and they both still love them very much no matter what! Im separated from over 5 years and my kid understands we love her so much and now me and her dad get along very well. Good luck, the decision is up to them. They should talk and see whats best for everyone! Belive me it takes time & patience! lots of it!
2006-10-05 07:32:27 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
well I am all for a divorce if you are unhappy, but remember how much stress having children puts on a relationship. Losing a parent is never easy either so I am sure he has a lot going on in his head right now. Give it time to smooth out and try talking about the problems. If you try to understand his place and give it time to improve and you are still unhappy then never stay in it just for your kids cause you are not doing them a favor. If you are unhappy you can't be as good a mom as you could if you were happy in your realtionship.
2006-10-05 07:20:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How does one get pregnant accidentaly? Pregnacy is one of the consequences of choosing to have sex. If she was unaware of this fact then she should not have had sex period. Children are not "accidents" they are human beings. Of course her husband treats her like crap. He barely knew her when they got married and now that he has had 3 years to get to know her he probably wouldn't have even DATED her had he gotten to know her. Why the got married and brought another child into the world at all is beyond me.
2006-10-05 08:11:40 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋