Am i being selfish??

Question

my fiance, one year old son and i recently moved to Spain because my fiance is currently on trial with a football team here in Spain but i have found myself alone for most of the trip since most of the time he is in training and football camp and it kind of makes me crazy so i told him that i wanted to return to Trinidad but he got upset and told me i was being selfish and he is working hard for us to have a better life. But i feel so lonely here because i don't know anyone and i know my son is too am being selfish?

Answer 1

No you are not. Being Lonely is something he doesn't understand because he's surrounded by people all day! You on the other hand made the move for HIM and he is not putting any effort into understanding how you feel. Yes he is trying to make a better life for you and his son, but you signed on for more then you thought I'm gathering and didn't really think that this football thing would take up so much of his time. He's being selfish because he's not trying to be there for you and understand that you are lonely and bored. Bottom Line, you need to sit him down and really talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. Big moves are very stressful, and if you are in a relationship, he should be willing to understand you and your thoughts and feelings.

Answer 2

No, you're not being selfish! It's totally hard moving to a new county and not knowing anyone except the person you're there with. And if the person you are there with is never there, well that makes it all the more hard on you! But let's try to work this out before you do anything drastic like move back home. First, is he trying to spend as much time with you as possible outside of football? He better be. Second, how long is this training going to be? Will he have all the time in the world for you soon? If not, and it's always going to be this way, then going home might be an option. Third, how long have you been there? It takes a while to adjust to a new location, make new friends, find new interests. Nobody like it at first, and of course the familiarity of home sounds more comforting. But give it time, it will get better as you grow your roots in this new place. Fourth, anytime there is a child involved, it becomes about more than just you. Is it just your son, or his too? You should probably try to stick around as long as you can to keep your son with his father. But don't wait around so long that you are completely unhappy, you're important to. Anyway, you're not being selfish, but if you just leave without giving it a chance, then you would be. So good luck!

Answer 3

Being lonely is not really being selfish. Hopefully, you have talked over your feelings with your fiance, and told him how lonely you are, and that you need him home, with you once in a while. Many relationships fail due to a lack of honest communications, which is sad. If one cannot be honest with their spouse, or fiance, then who? Realize, you will (Hopefully) be spending your lives together, and honest communications is a must. Without it, resentments develop, because you are sacrificing for the other without their knowledge, and expecting the other to be thankful for your sacrifice. But, if they do not know of your feelings, of your sacrifices, then how can they be thankful? You must tell him of these feelings, and give him a chance to work something out, for you, your son, and him as well. If he truly loves you, he will make some kind of effort to spend more time with you and your son, but he must know everything going through your head first. If you truely love him, then give him that chance that he deserves. After all, he is your fiance, so, surely he does merit the opportunity to make things better.

Answer 4

I think you need to ask urself what u really want. If you disregard his being upset for a moment. Would u be happy if u return alone? would u miss ur life together? do u want to continue ur life with him? because I think if you want, then you would be willing to try to adapt for the sake of the rest of your lives together.

Are there any activities you can do in Spain? I understand doing nothing all the day except waiting for him to come home is such a bad experience. You need to work, go to any sort of activity, even voluntary... But I guess the most important thing you need to think about is where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now.. Then you can decide the investment you need to put.

In all cases, I think it is about life decisions not about being selfish or not. Think well, pray well & I am sure you will get the wisdom to take the right decision. Good Luck

Answer 5

I think you need to try hard and stick it out. Things do get better.
If it is any consolation I moved to the U.S.A. from England to marry my husband. I had to marry within thirty days of coming here due to visa regulations. So I married my husband and all the guests at my wedding consisted of noone that I knew. I like you was in a different country to where I grew up and did not know anyone.
Exactly nine months later we had our first child. I still did not know anyone and was very lonely and at times sad.
My husband worked during the day and he attended college at night. He did this for almost ten years in order to get his masters degree.
As time went on I adjusted and did meet people and things got better. I knew what my husband was doing was to help make a better life for us eventually and I loved him.
So even having noone I knew near by and being in a different country to what I was used to, it all worked out. It was not easy and took lots of patience and understanding and believing things would get better. That was thirty years ago now and here I am still married to the same wonderful man. He has indeed provided us with a better life at this point. It took a lot of patience and understanding to get through the early years, but it was so very worth it in the end.
I hope this helps you to think a little bit down the road and that you can gather the patience to stick it out. It sounds like your fiance is doing the best he can. If he makes it with the football I am pretty sure all of this will be worth it.
Also if he is being tried out by what I presume is a pro footballl team, I would think this has also been a lifelong dream of his to get to this point. Let him live his dream and maybe someday you will be living your dream happily along side of him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 6

its not being selfish
its normal to feel that way
my husband and i are having the same kind of thing only its not nearly the distance
i would say if its a situation where hell be returning as well (to trinidad)
then you should go
just explain to him how alone you are


and really he should be understanding of that
he should not make you stay
and if he really loves you he wont
however you have to make sure he understands just how alone you are
dont just blow up and say if you love me youll let me go
that would be bad
sit him down and really explain it to him
then tell him youd just like to be with your family until he can come home and have more time for you
besides its not good for the baby to be away from everything he knows
especially at this age

i also agree with some of the other answers
if hes trying to better your life and your son is his too
do the best you can
my original answer was kind of under the assumption that youve done all you can and made friends and all of that
if not do that first
cause if you can manage with it
it will be great for all of you
just try to love him as much as you can when you do see him
and try to be supportive
and get married
you shouldnt live together without being married anyway
that just makes things harder
and if youre not ready to marry him than youre not ready to live with him and that will answer your questions right there

Answer 7

these are the things that althletes wives have to deal with...some don't see their husbands for days at a time...He has a chance at a very nice life for you and your son...it takes time...he is doing what he can. I understand a bout lonleyness..my mother married into this and sometimes dad was gone for weeks....But she understood why he was dong it...for us..he missed us and truthfully in the begining mom wasn't happy...which put a big strain on the marriage...but in time he did well and they managed..it's the life you choose to take if you want it...there are many sacrifices one has to make in this type of relationship. Find some things for you to do with/wothout your son...find a hobby to take up..to pass the long days. You fiance` is trying to live a dream that only a few get to live. And he will be more than happy to make up for the sacrifices that you have made....All the men on the team has gone through the same thing i am sure...just understand....this is all for you...or else he wouldn't have moved you there to begin with....

Answer 8

Mmm. Tough one. You were uprooted from your country of origin, friends, activities, and maybe family. Now you are in a completely new environment. Maybe not familiar with the langauge or culture. Sure, you feel lonely. You are legitamite.

Your hubby though is also making a legitamite point with his claim. He brought you (I assume you discussed it and agreed) in order to make more money and have a better, more successful life.

If you love your son (and that's his real father) I am afraid you have to stay unless you want to screw up your kids brain and a major way! The child is most important NO MATTER HOW BORED YOU ARE! Find some activities. Learn the language. Make new friends. You will be fine.

Answer 9

I think it's a normal reaction to feel lonely the first time you move away from your family and everything you've always known as home. The reality is even if he was with you every second of the day, you would still feel a little lonely, until you get used to it just being the 3 of you. I recently moved from the US to a spanish speaking country in the Caribbean for my husbands job and I felt the same way in the beginning. I missed my family and my world I felt uncomfortable and out of place, and alot of that was the language. I went home for a month and everything was the same as it had always been, I wasn't missing anything except a great opportunity to experience something new. I couldn't wait to get back to my husband and I wished I had never left. Just give yourself a little time to adjust and get settled in your new environment. ( It took me about 3 months to unpack and decorate our house, because it just wasn't feeling like home.)

Answer 10

This is how you feel and from what you say he doesnt really spend too much time with you. How about setting time just for you two like date night once a week or at least 2x a month. After all if the only problem is him not spending enough time with you then this is something both of you can come in agreement...time with each other. Try it and dont allow yourself to feel to lonely that you turn to someone else...talk to him and if he loves you he will listen.