Frank was roughly grabbed from behind. "What do you think you're doing?" the man and black asked. "I really don't like it when people try to escape from my grounds, it makes me feel upset. Am I not giving enough care to you Frankie?"
Frank didn't say anything, but blinked back tears as the man angirly whapped him acrost the face with a gun. "You SOB," he hissed angirly, "do you know how much I hate it when my playtoys try and escape?"
Frank swallowed. This was going to go downhill quickly.
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Any help and or/comments are aprechated, Im hoping one person can revise this and tell me my mistakes. Thanks!
2006-10-05 06:25:13 · 6 answers · asked by dOnNa 1 in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
You're not using enough words to accurately describe what you're trying to say. For example, your first sentence sounds as if Frank might be "raped" by a man in(?) black. If I'm understanding what you're trying to say, you might want to try:
A man in black approached Frank from behind, roughly grabbed him by the shoulder, and demanded "What do you think you're doing?"
The rest of what the man in black says to Frank sounds pretty unnatural. Men don't usually refer to their feelings - that is a more feminine quality. Again, it makes me think the man in black is gay. The next paragraph contradicts my instinct about him being gay as not only does he "roughly grab" but he "angrilly [whaps]" Frank. Which leads me to the word "whapped." I think you're referring to "whacked" but I'd probably use another word or sentence to describe this action with the gun.
Frank didn't "say anything" (reply, respond, react?), but blinked back tears as the man (stranger? another word for man?) struck him across the face with the butt of the gun (what kind of gun? was it shiny? was it small/big? a gun from his huge collection of guns back at the cabin? what's it normally used for?).
Do people really say "SOB" in the heat of the moment or would they use more violent language?
Frank swallowed. Why not "Frank swallowed his fear/pride/tears" What's going downhill quickly? You're jumping too fast to your next thought. Give the reader something to transition with your thoughts.
Good luck!
2006-10-05 06:50:46 · answer #1 · answered by Neeners 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Frank felt rough hands grab him from behind. The man in black had his mouth against Frank's ear; he could feel the heat of the man's breath there.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the man in black asked in a low, gravelly voice. "I really don't take it well when my guests try to leave the party early, y'know? In fact, it really makes me upset. Ain't I treatin' you right, Franky?"
Frank said nothing, but blinked back tears as the man angrily whapped him across the face with his gun. "You sunuva *****!" the man hissed; there was no mistaking the anger in that cold, merciless voice. "Don't you know how much I hate it when my play-toys try escapin'?"
Frank swallowed. Things for him were going downhill quickly.
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You're doing pretty well here. Spelling seems to be the worst of it, but that's not a show-stopper, and that is easily corrected. Maybe you want to close your eyes and imagine how the bad guys talk before you write, because you can use their language and tone to color the story in wonderful ways. Using words like 'whapped' and 'thu-dud' (onomatopoeia is the grammatical term for words like that). Keep the story moving from place to place. I would name the bad guys, too, even if the names are temporary. That would help you keep your characters inperspective, too. Otherwise, I can't wait to see how this all turns out for Franky!
2006-10-05 07:00:57 · answer #2 · answered by The Mystic One 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Frankie was roughly grabbed from behind. "who do you think you are?" the man in black asked. "I really don't like it when people try to escape from my grounds. It makes me feel like you don't like playing my games. That's not the case, Frankie. Am I not giving you enough attention?"
Frankie kept his mouth shut for once (since his big mouth had gotten him into this mess to begin with). He blinked back tears as the man angrily pistol whipped him in the face. "You stupid SOB," he hissed angrily, "do you know how much I hate it when my play-toys try to escape?"
Frankie swallowed. How was he going to get out of this one. Too bad Texas Rose didn't come with him this time. She was smart and good-looking enough to figure a way out of this big mess.
Tune next question for the sequel of Frankie and The Man In Black. Who is The Man In Black? and other burning questions will be answered.
This is how I would of wrote it.
2006-10-05 06:49:53 · answer #3 · answered by Out on a limb returns 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have a lot of spelling errors, and I would change the last sentence from downhill to uphill. Otherwise for how much I'm reading it looks pretty professional.
2006-10-05 06:33:18 · answer #4 · answered by xXxSmartGuyxXx 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Looking at all your previous questions, you seem to be asking for help to write every single paragraph or sentence in your book. I don't know if the answerers on YA would be likely to gain any royalties from your book were to to use their suggestions, so therefore can I suggest you join a creative writing course? Then you would be able to write your book yourself.
2006-10-05 06:38:58 · answer #5 · answered by Jackie J 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I planned to do a good re-write but i saw two of your answers that were quite good. good luck on your writing and its nice to know that there are people who actually go out of their way to help
2006-10-05 07:59:14 · answer #6 · answered by ♦cat 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋