READ THE WHOLE QUESTION Before Answering Please? No judgement, I really need an answer?

Question

I asked a question about a step-child situation, and those who answered did not read the question, but just picked-and-chose what they wanted to focus on. I NEED AN ANSWER. HERE ARE THE FACTS: #1: I date a man with what we can most accurately call a STEP DAUGHTER. he did not father the child, and never married the child's mother. THERE IS NO PACKAGE HERE, just a verbal agreement until the child's mother gets a wild hair up her butt and disallows my boyfriend's relationship with the child. He has no legal recourse...he is nothing to the child legally. #2: They have a "visitation" one day a month, because the child's mother does not know that he and I are moving in together, getting engaged, and then married. Because the man I'm seeing has no tie to the child at all, except by permission of the mother, this will more than likely change when she finds out I'm moving in. I'm hesitant to build a relationship with the child as a result of these two facts. How do I explain to him?

Answer 1

I think you should explain it to him exactly as you explained it to all of us. That is a tough situation to be in... you don't want to mess up his relationship with the child, but at the same time, you don't want it to inhibit his relationship with you. Best wishes either way...

Answer 2

First of all your boyfriend sounds like an absolute doof. If the mother doesn't want a relationship with her, then he could be charged legally. He has no recourse and why does he want to have a relationship with her?

What he should do is stop the visitations and just have her call her sometimes.

You tell him that this isn't normal, and him building a relationship with her is a reach but you building a relationship is not healthy for you or the child.

Forget talking to him about the child, this guys judgement is a little strange and if I were you, having a relationship with a kid that neither of you have ties to is the least of your problems. This guy is a little out there. Good luck; I think your going to need it.

Answer 3

I am thoroughly confused by your question, but I will do my best to give you advice. Since he is not the father of the child, did he previously have a relationship with the woman and she had the child previously with someone else? I am operating under that assumption. So,that said, I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to be hesitant about developing a relationship with the child. Your fiance should understand this, given the circumstances. Is he upset by the chance that he may no longer have his visits with the child, once you and him are moved in, married, etc. Although, I don't think it would be harmful for you to have a relationship with the child. The child is obviously important to your fiance, so I would think a part of you would want to share in that. I hope I helped. I know this is difficult, but really the best thing is to just be open and honest with your fiance and hopefully the two of you can come up with a solution together.

Answer 4

Well... like you said once the two of you move in together, get engaged, etc. she may cut his ties off as stepdad in which case you wouldnt even be given the opportunity to build a relationship with the child. Unless the child is allowed as he/she gets older or even now.. to call or come over, then it's really a call for step mom. If you love him.. and he loves the step child, then you don't necessary have to have a relationship.. but you don't have to give the cold shoulder either. Hope this helps.. good luck with your situation.

Answer 5

I don't blame you. Building a relationship with the child when you have a gut feeling that it will end seems like a very hard thing to do.Especially if you and the child become attached to each other. Then when visitation is stopped by mom it will be hard on both of you.

If you want to talk to him about it, say exactly what you did in your question. That you're afraid that when mom finds out about your moving in she will be upset and maybe forbid him to see the girl anymore. And on top of that you're worried about having a relationship with her that may eventually end badly if mom "gets a wild hair". Be honest with him when you express your feelings, you're not being bad or unfair. You're looking out for everyone involved.

It's too bad that you have to be concerned about this. Personally, I am happy that my children have as many close adults contacts as they do. Kids need that nowadays. It would be a shame for mom to put an end to the contact just because of you.

Answer 6

OK it sounds as though you are wondering if you should build a relationship with the child.

All kids need stable level headed adults in their life so that is what you should be trying to be with any child you meet.

How the mother behaves is out of your control so you have to control what you do. It sounds as though your BF is more of a "Big Brother/ Big Sister' type to this little one than father figure. That may be your best bet in how you go about this child. In fact you may want to contact that group for some advise.

Answer 7

I think u have a good man on your hands that wants to be a positive part of this child's life. I don't think you should discourage him from being present in this child's life. Children are smarter than we give them credit for. If her mom goes crazy and stops him from seeing her she will see that her mom was the one to blame. The fact that u two are getting married is none of the mother's concern as long as you treat the child in a respectful manner and encourage his actions as the "step father". This man may be the only father figure she had ever had. One day you and he will have your own family and I would suggest that you actively incorporate this child into your life.

Answer 8

ok...this is a strange situation, one that I have never heard of before. The man has no legal ties to the child and has visitation one day a month. I don't see that you need a realtionship with this child because it is not his and it is only one day a month tat he sees the child. However, you should have him approach the subject with the child's mother telling her the situation that you guys are in...moving in, getting engaged, married some time in the future. She may not like it but who cares, it is not her business. this is your life that you need to decide what's right and wrong. If she still agrees to let him see the kid one day a month,
Let him have the day to spend with the kid if that is what he wants to do. Go to one of your friends house for the day, spend time with family, etc... besides it is only one day a month.

Answer 9

There is nothing wrong with building a relationship with this child, because being nice is something that everyone needs; and they need not be your children to be nice to them. If her mother prevents her from coming over anymore, that is something her mother will have to deal with, with her. And if you're worried about developing feelings for her daughter, that could be painful if they are no longer allowed to be expressed, well, at least you will learn how to prepare yourself emotionally for when your own children eventually go away to college, or otherwise on their own.

Answer 10

Tell him what you just told us.

"I'm hesitant to build a relationship with the child as a result of these two facts."

Be open and honest. Do it for you, him, and the child.

Answer 11

I think the way you explained it here was great! Can't you basically tell your fiance that? Say it with a regretful tone, sure, and tell him you know how important the girl is to him, but say that there's nothing negative in your feelings toward the child. Also, throw in that you wouldn't want the girl to develop feelings for you only to get hurt when the inevitable happens. Tell him it's better for all involved for you not to build a relationship with her.