On self confidence & building self esteem...am I an Oxymoron?

Question

Anybody some advice on how to build self esteem & self confidence. I wouldn't say that I am a depressed person, neither do I suffer from social anxiety...(I have no problem talking to strangers) I would say that I am very self consumed & that I don't believe in myself or in what I say...for instance I always feel a need for a cosigner on my decisions (I like when people agree with me) What I mean is I don't want someone else to make my decision but I need someone to confirm that my decision is the right choice or else I will feel uncomfortable...so I say I think I lack self confidence. I love approval more so then average people I think. Why is it that when music comes on & everybody starts dancing I feel shy & uncomfortable dancing as well (now was I by myself I would go all crazy lol) Strange thing when I go out to a club (which I do) I love to dance & look good (I feel like a Diva lol) am I an oxymoron? I need a book about this any suggestions? I don't want to grow old & turn into the cat lady...

Answer 1

You are not an "oxymoron". The definition of an oxymoron is: A rehtorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in "a deafening silence" and "a mournful optimist".

So, the easy answer to this is you are not an oxymoron. Now, the question of how to raise self esteem and self confidence fills books and has allowed individuals to make a life time living answering this for individuals. There are so many different ideas on how to accomplish this goal it would be difficult to include even a potion of them here.

With that said, as well as what I am about to say is my opinion, which is attained from years of living in which I went from a state of low self esteem and low self confindence to a woman who is firmly grounded in the knowlege of who I am and my own worth.

One method I used to gain self confidence was to fake it till I make it. This means I pretend I have the confidence needed for a certain situation and keep faking it until I actually accomplish a real gain in confidence is that particular area.

Such as in your shyness of dancing in public even though others are dancing too. I would pretend I had as much confidence as the person in the room I felf exhibited the most confidence and dance as if I had that degree of confidence. As I continued to do this I began to feel comfortable dancing with others in public. I realized I feared my dancing would bring ridicule or laughter due to my low level of belief in my own dancing skills. As I pretended to have all the confidence possible in this area, I saw that nobody laughed at me or looked at me oddly. Some even complimented me on how well I danced, and men would ask me to dance with them. As I continued to pretend confidence and saw I was as accepted as anyone else I gained real confidence in my ability to dance in public and not only not have any negitive reactions but to experiance positive reactions. This created positive confidence and soon I was feeling strong real confidence in dancing in public. This confidence raised my self esteem in my abilities to dance well.

When we strive to do well in situations and do well, we gain both confidence in what we are doing and as we gain confidence our self esteem rises. Confidence comes before self esteem.

When I was younger we were poor. I am talking about the first years of my adulthood and marriage. I was shamed by having to use the shopping cart to take my groceries home. I thought others viewing me pushing the cart to my home, then seeing it out front while I took the groceries in our home, that those who witnessed this would think poorly of me for not having the money to have a car.

I decided to pretend that I did not care what others thought, that there was no shame in being poor, only in not working hard to better yourself. I worked hard to better myself, so I should not feel shame for not having something others had. I pretended for a long time to not care what others thought. I realized most of the people driving by who saw me pushing the cart never had contact with me again. I never saw these folks again. So, why should I care what complete strangers thought and when I would never see them again? Other factors came into play as I continued to pretend there was no shame in being poor and having to push the cart home. One day I was pushing the cart home and I realized at some poiint I was no longer self conscience of whether or not people were looking at me or what they may be thinking if they did look. I no longer felf shame over pushing the cart home. I had gained confidence in knowing, really knowing there was no shame in being poor when you work hard at bettering your position in life. I no longer felt shame and even took pride in having accomplished the ability to push that cart without feeling shame or being self consicence of who may be seeing me do so.

When we first try to do something we are learning. As we learn and practice the new skill we become better at what we are doing. As we become better at what we do, as we attain advances we gain confidence in those skills we have worked hard to gain. When we feel confident in what we have learned and know we do it well, we raise our self esteem in that area.

So, to gain self confidence we must allow ourselves a time to become knowlegable and skilled enough to feel we do it well. When we know we have strived to learn something and now do it well we gain confidence in our abilities and from that confidence comes self esteem in knowing we worked hard to learn what ever it is we are doing and our self esteem raises each time we accomplish a goal.

So, I stongly advice to practice the art of "fake it till you make it" and in allowing yourself time to learn and attain the skills which enable you to do something well. When you know you do something well, then you have the confidence to continue to do so, and do even try something at a higher level, and each time you achieve a goal you raise your self confidence and corresponding self esteem.

It takes a conscience decision to allow yourself to attain self confidence and thruogh self confidence self esteem. To allow yourself to be forgiving of mistakes you make while learning and growing in different areas of your life.

One other area which helped me tremendously: I am very loving and kind to others. I am very non-judgmental and forgiving of others mistakes or lacks. One day I looked at how I treated others how supportive I am to them and all of the other things I said above and more. I then asked myself why I did not treat myself as I treated others. Why did I think I was less deserving of treating myself as well as I did others? I then consciensly decided to work on doing exactly that. I allowed myself to fogive my mistakes. to be gental with myself, and not judge myself so harshly. It worked a miriacle in my life. I am now able to make mistakes and forgive myself, get up and dust myself off and give myself pep talks and get back to trying to do my best. I treat myself a bit worse than I treat others still, but I have come a long way. I am still working on being less harsh to myself when I mess up.

I also have a strong spiritual relationship with God. I tell myself daily that God loves me just as I am. If God loves me just as I am, then why do I think I am above God in judging me as lacking? How am I to say God is wrong about who I am. He created me as I am and he encourages me via his spirit every single day if I am willing to listen and allow the spirit to reside within me. I tell God when I mess up, (He already knows but it feels good to tell Him anyway) and ask him to help me do better next time. I also attempt to make amends to those who I have inadvertently injured.

Each time I know I did the right thing, regardless of how difficult it was to do the right thing my self confidence in myself as a good person is raised. I know my worth as an individual due to how hard I have worked to become who I am today. Each time I learn something new and more accomplished in doing it my self confidence grows and so does my self esteem.

We all work on this all our lives. We are never a finished product but a work in progress. If we allow ourselves to truly accept this, that we are not perfect and can never be prefect, that all others are also learning and growing, we know then we are not alone and that we can make mistakes without beating ourselves up.

I wish you luck in your life journey and in raising your feelings of confidence and self esteem. Remember, those you view as having high confidence are struggling with their own life problems the same as you and all of us. There is nobody who is 100% self confident, we all have our problems and struggles with ourselves and with our life. You are far from alone in this.

Answer 2

Doesn't seem like an oxymoron or a problem to me. Everyone experiences self-doubt from time to time, even the most confident and self-assured people. It's human nature to need some validation from others that we are (pretty, handsome, smart, athletic, moral, pleasant, etc...). I go through times when things have been going well (sort of feel like I'm on a roll with everything I do) where I probably error on the side of over-confidence in myself. But, eventually something will go wrong and burst my bubble that will bring me back down to earth and then I don't feel so self-assured and comfortable in my own skin. It's like a cycle of ups and downs. I don't think it makes someone crazy to live life like that. That seems to me to be the very essence of life.

Answer 3

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