I have a marital dilemma?

Question

First let me start by saying that I love and adore my wife. But our sex life is truly boring the heck out of me. When we make love it is always at the same time of night, in the same room, lights off, same position, etc…you get the picture. I have tried to talk to her about this several times and have made gentle suggestions for how we might try to spice up our sex life a little, such as being a little more spontaneous, trying different positions, maybe even buying a book about different positions. Each time I have suggested something, she says it’s immoral or that I’m being dirty and she drops the subject cold turkey. I have thought about suggesting that perhaps we should talk to a marriage counselor or a doctor that specializes in this sort of thing, but there are two problems with that. First, I wouldn’t know where to find someone who specializes in such things and second, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

So, my question is, has anyone else been in this situation and if so, what did you do about it? Did things eventually workout for you and your significant other, or are you still just dealing with it? I don’t want to leave my wife and get divorce, but I am a healthy red blooded American man and I want us both to enjoy our sex life together. Serious and mature responses only, please. I really need some help with this…

To answer one persons question, my wife was not the victim of any form of abuse as far as I know. We've been together for sometime now and I would have thought that would have come up in some form by now.

I think this boils down to a very devout Christian up bringing during which, she was told repeatedly that certain behaviors were immoral. But that is just a guess on my part based on the fact that her mother is a big time Bible thumper...

Answer 1

Either you can be nice about and go on like that. Or you can play like your going to just go along with the normal ritual and then grab her and flip her the way you want her and just show her who the boss is and see if she will acutually like it. But, she might get pist ya know. So here are some books you too can share.......
52 Saturday Nights
101 Ways of Great Sex
Sexual Secrets
Ol' faithful Kama Sutra
Sexual Positions

Buy one of these and show her they explain so much. There is also one called "Sex Games" and it has so much romantice things in it. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and they do help spark fires in the bedroom and other places. I wish you good luck!

Answer 2

You need more information and you need it from the source. Talk to your wife about this. There may be so many issues as to why she can't allow herself to be free in this area. She may have been molested as a child....even having someone come onto her as a young girl (and the numbers are through the roof as to how many women were) can alter the way she looks at her sexuality. Also, her religious upbringing is at issue here. Have her discuss what she feels and what makes her feel that way. You may be able to have her sit down with a religious leader in her life...doesn't have to be the priest or preacher...anyone that she follows in a spiritual sense...and discuss what she will be willing to do. You may not want to hurt her feelings, but more than that...you don't want to break her heart. Letting this go on without telling her what you are telling us on this forum is going to do damage to your marriage. You wrote the word "divorce" in association with your wife and this problem. That means quite a bit. Now, turn off the computer and go ask her to sit down with you and talk....like you did when you first met and you were getting to know each other. Good luck.

Answer 3

It sounds like she's a bit inhibited. I understand. Hubby was more conservative than I am. I don't know if religion plays a part in her belief system or not, but even the Bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled. That means go for it with her. What you need to do is be gentle and kind, and quite simply seduce her. Does she enjoy making love with you? If so, then you can gradually (and I mean gradually over months) expose her to variety. Once the willingness to try new things is found, it's outstanding. We've now got board games, dice, cards, and toys to make our intimate time together fun. So, I know it can be done. Good luck.

Answer 4

Yes other people have dealt with this.

I would suggest going to a local Christian Book store. They actually have a section on Sex in Marriage, and what is and isn't right in marriage. I say to do this b/c it will help your wife feel like you are trying to help not only understand where she is coming from, but it will also let her know that you are trying to do right by her and God. These books will explain why you are not only NOT dirty and immoral, but it will actually give you the verses on where to find the direct quotes from Jesus himself (well, as much from himself as it could be) on the sexual behavior within a marriage.

It's somewhere to start, and it really helped my marriage starting there...Just remember to keep an open mind, and if it's to save your marriage....you'd do anything.

Answer 5

You two definetly need marital help on this subject. She could be depressed, She could have had something happen to her in the past to make her feel this way. I know I did when I hit depression hard. I didn't feel sexy nor did want to do anything kinky at all. I would not even do oral. i thought it was disgusting. I finally got help and with some meds for a while which really helped I got better and came out of the depression, but I am sure there are many variables in your lives that a professional would be your best answer. You need to heart to heart with her tell her how you feel and why you feel this way.

Answer 6

I have actually been going thru a similiar situation for the past 4 years. I have completely lost interest in sex and it's hurting my relationship with my husband. I feel the biggest libido killer is stress. But there are many reasons for it. If your wife had a normal sexual appetite before marriage or at any time in the past then you need to see a sex therapist. A sex therapist will be able to help you work thru all your sexual problems. I wish you luck . I know how devastating sexual problems can be for a marriage.

Answer 7

You've GOT to talk about it with her. She's got some insecurities somewhere.... Don't talk about it when you both are angry and yes you should suggest counseling. You can find a good Sexual therapist and you don't have to go to a sexual therapist. A good marriage counselor will do the trick. Trust me, she's dealing with her own insecurities, be supportive. Somewhere along the line, she was taught sex was a dirty thing if it's anything other than the missionary position... Be patient, but do address the issue. Do not let sexual issues ruin your marriage. She has to feel safe about dealing with her fears and insecurities. I wish you luck.

Answer 8

My wife and I have a couple of games that are designed for couples to spice things up. Maybe she would try one with you, my wife bought them and I tought it was kindy goofey but after I tired it, they are fun. Sounds like she doesnt have a problem with your sex life just you do so this makes things difficult. I would suggest that you seek counseling on your own if she will not join you. Most professional counselors would be able to address these kinds of issues. If you have never been to a counselor I think you will be surprised at the insight they can offer. I went to one many years ago and was amazed.

Answer 9

It's so cool that your concerned enough about this that your taking the time to ask about it. Let me start by explaining that your stress level greatly effects your sex drive. Do you have kids? Does she have a stressful job? Or let me ask you this....Why does she think sex is dirty? Was she molested as a child? Did she have an overbearing religious up bringing? All this stuff seems to sneak up on us women as we get older. And there are a few that are worried if we perform too good in the bedroom, that it is going to become an expectation, and we are going to always have to preform 5 stars everytime, and we don't want to let you down! That's the bad thing about pornos. We almost get expected to act like a porn star and behave like them. Then we as women compare ourselves to them, and a lot of them look nothing like what we look like, and then that brings our self esteem down. And that's the bad part! All women are different. Some like sex certain ways and in certain places, and others are pretty straight laced. I don't know what to tell you about what's going on with your wife. She may have some internal things going on right now that she has to work through on her own. If she refuses to talk to you about it, then maybe you can seek some counseling through a marriage counselor that handles issues like these that your refering to. You sound like a good caring man and husband. Keep talking to her. Keep that communication open.

Answer 10

Welcome to Club Marriage. This will only get worse, sex will completly stop. You will get frustrated and angry, which she will pick-up on. She will get depressed and start wondering why her life did not evolve into the dream princess life she thinks she deserves. You will pick up on this and get bitter..she will pick up on that and blame you for her sadness. Soon she will have an affair (and she will make sure you find out), because her life is so boring that even turmoil and anger will be better than nothing. When you confront her she will blame you, call you a pervert, (even though she did ALL those perverted sex acts with her lover) and spiral into dispair -- right where she wants to be. Now everyone is paying attention to her again..just like her wedding day and she laps it up. You are left broken, defeated and bitter, wondering what the hell happened and why didn't you do something sooner.

You guys need to go to a marriage counselor at once.....if she refuses, you go without her. You really need a third party to help you focus, dude.