We've been married for 11 1/2 years. He feels very remorseful, but I can't forgive him nor trust him. This was a girl @ his job. He says that he didn't know what he was doing and is being very apologetic. I am very sad, and hurt and don't know what to do. We have two children together. He is giving me as much time as I need to forgive him. He says that he loves me, but i can't stand the thought of ever kissing him again.
2006-10-05 05:52:11 · 33 answers · asked by Tina S 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is a very hurtful and painful thing you have to go through.
You're husband says, that he didn't know what he was doing, is the reason you feel you cannot trust. And you cannot except his claim that he did not know what he was doing. He kissed her and it's plain and simple. He is not being completely honest with you.
You won't be able to forgive him, unless he has a better excuse then that one. You need to reopen the issue and you need to talk about it as often as you want to or need to. You have every right to be angry and express that to him. After all, he has brought this upon you and a relationship you have been committed to.
As remorseful as he might be, he is hoping you will feel pity on him, as if he is the victim.
Whatever it takes for you to feel good about things, let it take it's course. It is like grieving the loss of a loved one. You will go through stages. He will have to accept that.
Once you have become a little stronger and feel like you have expressed to him enough how much he has hurt you, then you should begin to find out why he did this. If you don't, it could happen again. There is a reason he did do this. It doesn't mean that it is because he doesn't love you, or your at fault in anyway, it could be anything. You need to find it out. But you won't find it out while you are emotionally going though such pain about this.
When he knows you can handle it, and that time has moved on and your strong enough, he may be more incline to tell you. Be persistant about wanting to know. Your going to have to break him into telling you.
Most people abide by the law, because they don't want to live a life of hell behind bars. If getting away with a crime was made easy because people knew that doing the time was easy, there chances of doing it again would be more likely.
So, only when your strong enough, find out why he did it, help him be a better husband for you.
2006-10-05 06:42:48 · answer #1 · answered by sweetcitywoman2002 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Cheating is a symptom. If life were perfect, no one wouldld have an emotional void or need that would compel them to cheat. It's not about the kissing incident, it's about your husband and your relationship with him.
Not in all cases, but many, cheating, or almost cheating is a symptom not an end to itself. If one, or both, of the the people in a relationship are not getting what they need from the relationship, the will be trouble to follow. The trouble may be depression, substance abuse, gambling, cheating, or some other form of needful behavior. It does not mean your hubby does not want to be married, or that he is miserable, just that an emotional need is not being met.
Sure, there are a small percentage of people who cheat just to cheat. We all know one or two of those. The bigger picture of adultery is something more complicated where everyone is a victim. No. it does not excuse the behavior, but it helps to better understand it. In a perfect world if someone is not getting what they need emotionally, they talk with their partner and all is well. Since the world, and people, are not perfect this sometimes does not happen. Sometimes the cheater can't even process that they are missing something, but still feel the buried emotions.
So a cheater is a cheater? Sometimes, but sometimes the cheater is also a person reaching out and reaches to the wrong place for what they are missing. So address the root problem. It may take some honesty and soul searching, but you can do it. Take it from a reformed cheater. I spent good money figuring it out and will never forget the lessons i have learned. This can actually turn into something positive once you and hubby start to really talk.
2006-10-05 06:00:38 · answer #2 · answered by Thomas 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I never though i would say this but "FORGIVE HIM" and give him another chance. At least he didn't sleep with her. What is your history together? 11 and a half years and two children is a long time to throw away. Sounds like he really is sorry and i mean we are not perfect and he admitted this to you. He didn't have to but obviously he cares deeply and wants to come forward. I know he should have controlled himself but who is the woman and maybe she had everything to do with the kiss, so do yourself, him and especially the children a favor and forgive and forget about it. If it happens again then thats a different stroy. Good luck and trust me you will be happy..
2006-10-05 05:57:00 · answer #3 · answered by deborah_012003 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First of all, he knew what he was doing. What, his lips just pulled him over to this girl and he had no control over them? If it was "just a kiss", work hard at forgiving him. It may take some time, but to end 11 years of marriage over a kiss is pretty stupid. Talk to him calmly, without crying and stuff, about why he did it, if he was attracted to her. It's OK if he was, he's human. There are men you see on the street, Im sure, who you think are hot. You may not have kissed them, but to be attracted to someone is normal.
Hopefully, ALL he did was kiss her. He confessed it to you, so he must have felt really bad about it. Give the guy a break. He didn't confess to a five year affair or that he was leaving you or turning gay. He just kissed a girl.
2006-10-05 05:59:21 · answer #4 · answered by bodinibold 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He has a problem. A bad one and he should have never done it, no reason, no excuses.... The tough part is that you both have a problem somewhere which led him to do this or think it was ok at the time. He allowed himself to develop feelings for this girl. You both need to go to counseling and work on it together. Put your marriage back together. You can find it in your heart to forgive him if you both work hard to figure out what went wrong where, and make a new commitment to be one again. Good luck and God Bless you both!
2006-10-05 05:59:32 · answer #5 · answered by favrd1 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Do you love your husband, family? Then I suggest you TRY. Go talk to a counsellor by yourself and then with him. He may need to figure out why he did it also. 11 1/2 years is a long time to just toss it away on some kiss or even a sexual encounter. We are human, not super fidelity freaks.
AND don't let ANYONE tell you what you should want. If you don't want the relationship, leave it. If you do, keep it. Do what YOU KNOW is best for YOU (not the kids, not your husband, not your friends, or sister, etc.)
2006-10-05 06:01:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
What is a kiss?
When you have 11 1/2 years together of memories, 2 children, and he loves you (obviously-it could have been worse than a kiss).
2006-10-05 05:57:53 · answer #7 · answered by Heart of Plat 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If it was just a kiss then it would be a shame to throw away 11years of marriage and hurting to children in the process.
This could be an opportunity to solidify your marriage, try marriage therapy, see if you cant work your issues out in a neutral environment, talk things through, but remember there is a bigger picture.
The financial aspect of splitting up
The emotional hurt for yourself and that of the children.
Time is a great healer
2006-10-05 05:58:50 · answer #8 · answered by giles g 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He admitted it, he's remorseful, he apologized, he's giving you time to absorb it. He is, after all, a human not a robot and humans make mistakes. Have you never made a mistake and needed forgiveness? Sweetie - it was a kiss, not a commitment and with your attitude I would be hard pressed to think of you as a kind and loving wife.
2006-10-05 05:56:35 · answer #9 · answered by Decoy Duck 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Okay, one thing that my fiance says, "First time he's a sucker, Second time your a sucker". So in my opinion, take the time you need to forgive him and then if it happens again, take the time you need to divorce him. Don't and I repeat Don't use the kids as an excuse because anyone anywhere that has kids and went through a separation has used that and let me tell you, the kids everywhere are just fine and the same as they would have been if their parents have stayed together.
2006-10-05 05:55:37 · answer #10 · answered by cdb774 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋