her today at a funeral ( my aunts) and she is going to be their, from what i have heard she wants to confront me about the way im living my life now, living with my boyfriend without being married and living in her town and why i have never tried to contact her- im not sure what to tell her ? i mean from what others have told me i have done well for myself - i just hate confrontations ! what would you do ?
2006-10-05 05:47:57 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Darling,
It might not be the right place or the right time and though you might despise it...PLEASE be PREPARED! TO BE FOREWARNED IS TO BE FOREARMED.
Decide however you plan to deal with it.
Whether it might be to engage her in battle or tell her you need to deal with later or just evade her right thru.
Please though be prepared, and be prepared for a worst case scenario like all your family witnessing it.
If that happens, try not to be rude to her, she brought you here after all... But be firm and let her know that you're a grown woman FULLY capable of making your own decisions.
Even if you have problems with the fact that she abandoned you at an early age, try not to make her feel worse.
She might be sacrilegious and all but try to remind her that if she were there in your life, things might have been different.
2006-10-05 06:01:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why has she not tried to contact you. The last time you saw her was when you were 9. I would think she would have some explaining to do, not you. I am a parent and I would never not call or send b-day presents and visit if my child did not live with me. That's my job as a parent. Know that your life is just that, YOUR LIFE. The best thing you can do is be polite but if she tries to make you feel guilty about your life or why you have not reached out to her. Ask her the same telling her that she was the parent and the phone works both ways. Then if she starts to make an issue of it, just walk away. That's what I would do. Hope everything turns out okey for you.
2006-10-05 12:56:23 · answer #2 · answered by pumpkinhoney2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You seem to be assuming that your mom is going to do that. Don't do that. When people repeat stuff they almost always exaggerate. Give your mom a chance to express herself and find out how she really feels. I don't know what your circumstances are, but I would bet there is a LOT of pain and guilt held by everyone. I cannot imagine judging you after 19 yrs apart and not having a part of your life - it would be crazy to come out judging when you had nothing to do with the raising of a child. She can only hurt you if you let her. If you are proud of your life and what you are doing then be proud. Sounds like life wasn't a picnic for you either. Stay calm when you talk to her and listen to what she is really saying and don't try to defend yourself. You don't have to. If she did come out with judgements just calmly say that you obviously have different opinions.
Hang in there and be strong. The funeral is about your aunt. If it's your mom's sister - she is going to have her own issues with her.
The very best of luck to you! Saying a pray for ya!
2006-10-05 12:55:25 · answer #3 · answered by MissHazel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing to do is chat to your mum yourself and not listen to other people. Hugs are very important & can diffuse touchy situations.
On the other hand, dont let her give you a hard time about anything, if she does happen to be nasty, just ignore her, or send her for Hair Analysis!! Subconciously shes probably feeling guilty about not being there for you all those years.
On a nutritional level i'd say she needs to be taking Evening Primrose oil with Fish oil as well as St Johns Wort.
This stuff brings out the good in mothers (& stubborn old grandmas too)
2006-10-05 12:59:09 · answer #4 · answered by globalveg 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she has not tried to contact you either, then she has no place giving you advice. When you see her, go to her. Let her speek first. You will find out a lot about her feelings by the first thing she says. She is probably hurting about not knowing you whether she says so or not, so she may be defensive. No matter what she says, though, when she is done give her a hug. Tell her you love her and hope she is well. Then if it did not go well just walk away. She will then know you are approachable and feel more likely to take down any wall she may have built, and let her true feelings out. There may be a friendship there yet.
Good luck to you!
2006-10-05 12:58:30 · answer #5 · answered by Jann 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ummm why exactly was it your responsibility at 9 years old to stay in contact with her? she was the parent she should have been making the effort not you. Dont let her make you feel bad about your life now because she has no rite to do that..she gave up that rite years ago.. If she says anything to you about your way of living simly say "well maybe if i grew up with a lovng mother to gide me i wouldnt be so bad off but as it happens my mother is a bigger screw up than me" then simply walk away.. (you obviously are not a screw up but that would just let her know that her words do not hurt u and it puts it back onto her).. you are a worthwhile person and she wouldnt know that because she hasnt been around for 17 years..good luck and stay strong..oh and sorry to hear about your aunt..
2006-10-05 12:55:52 · answer #6 · answered by z1280374 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, a funeral is not the time and place for that! and for your mother to do it then, she's gotta be out of her mind! and it seems as if you had to go look for her, like she couldn't look for you... so that already, makes me mad when mothers are like that! What you need to tell her, is that a funeral is not the time for it... you should be bigger person and go up to her before she does and makes a scene... and tell her, that if its so important what she has to say, to do it at a proper time and have her look for you, you shouldn't have to look for her.
About how you are living your life, I don't think she has any right to tell you, since she wasn't there for you to bring you up the way you should have been brought up. She has no right to tell you anything, especially because you are now an adult and can make your own decisions.
2006-10-05 12:53:40 · answer #7 · answered by precious1982 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Refuse to have a confrontation with her. Don't let her bait you. If she has so many opinions about how you live your life, why hasn't she seen you for 17 years? She might be confrontational, but that doesn't mean you have to respond. You're going to a funeral do pay respects to someone that has passed, not argue about your lifestyle.
2006-10-05 12:51:50 · answer #8 · answered by francesfarmer 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nod and use reflective listening. If she says, "I don't like the way you live your life!" say, "You are angry because of the choices I have made." Throw in lots of "I see" and "I understand" and "Given your opinion, it makes sense that you feel the way you do." Note that saying these things does not mean you agree with her, but they will quickly take the wind out of her sails and dispel any anger she may have by proving to her that you're listening to her. If she tells you that you should do something different with your life, answer, "I will give that some serious thought," and also, "Thank you for the advice." Again, you're agreeing to nothing, but since it takes two people to have an argument, she won't be able to have one by herself.
2006-10-05 12:55:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that if your mother hasn't been there for you since you were 9, and now you are 26 years old, she really has no place getting into your personal business now. Everyone would like to turn back time occasionally...but we all know that's impossible to do...you could ask her back why she hasn't tried to contact you as well...and as for your personal life...that's really none of her business because you are an adult that is free to make your own decisions. Good Luck.
2006-10-05 12:57:49 · answer #10 · answered by pritty_princess_c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋