I am building a relationship with a man who has a teenage step-daughter, and because he was her primary father figure for the majority of her life, he has visitation with her once a month. The man and I are discussing moving in together, getting engaged and married within the year. AND THE EX IS A NIGHTMARE.
Because of the Ex, I am not fostering a relationship with the child at all, at least until after Christmastime so I can see what the future relationship will be. After that, I'm still not sure if I want to develop much of a relationship with the kid; I never wanted kids, and still am not really thrilled about being involved with someone with a teenager, even if it is only for 1 day a month (he knows this part). I'm still willing to go forward with the relationship with HIM, but I want to keep the kid at arms length. HOW DO I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THIS? Specifically, the fact that I want no relationship with the child? I'll add more...
2006-10-05 05:32:03 · 9 answers · asked by gg 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
This is what I want him to understand: I don't want a relationship with the child, at LEAST until after I've moved in and settled, and the Christmas holidays are over. I've met her, and like her fine. I want him to understand that there is a chance that this will be a powderkeg, and she may be disallowed from seeing him in the future if I am in the picture. I'm protecting myself from the possibly horrible situation of the EX getting involved in my life. If it means I sacrifice the relationship with the child, or postpone it until the idea is gotten used to by all, so be it. HOW CAN I APPROACH THIS WITH MY BOYFRIEND?
2006-10-05 05:39:01 · update #1
This is not about "being a stepmother". I'm not in any position to be her stepmother. That is never going to happen. The issue is that I'm not putting myself into a relationship that might be severed. My boyfriend is a step, and therefore not entitled to visitation with the child. With me coming into the picture, the child may be removed from his life, and may not be allowed to come around because I'm there. THE EX IS A PSYCHO, and would do this to him.
2006-10-05 05:42:22 · update #2
One other thing....I didn't find out about the stepdaughter until 2 months into the relationship.
ALSO, the situation is not about my vanity, or my being selfish. understand that this is about my NOT wanting to get involved and becoming the reason HE doesn't get to see the child anymore....You people need to read the entire question, not just the first paragraph.
2006-10-05 05:44:16 · update #3
If you want NO relationship with this girl, then DON'T MARRY HIM. You have it as best you can right now, but don't drive a wedge between a man and his daughter, especially one that he sees once a month. Learn to accept her and love her. Being the stepmom, you're not being asked to be a parent. Just a friendly person in her life. Get over it or get out of the relationship.
2006-10-05 05:37:48 · answer #1 · answered by Big Momma Carnivore 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Why are you being so catty about this. It's not the kids fault the her mother is a bit**. Why punish her? And like you said, it's only 1 day a month. Why be involved with him if you can't stand kids. As she gets older she may come for visits more often and in time when she has kids, she may bring them over too. If you really can't handle being around his step-daughter, I would say move on. He shouldn't have to choose between you and a girl he's been a father to all of these years. That is unfair to him.
Update: I did read the entire question. You mention his ex is a nightmare, and go on to stress how you don't want kids. Maybe you shold have reworded it a little bit. I understand what you mean now, after you added details.
How long have they been divorced? Why did thier relationship end? Does his ex know he's in a relationsip? Is she in a relationship? Maybe he should put feelers out to her about being with someone and see how she would handle it. The fact that she lets him see the daughter at all when she isn't required to, is a good sign. At least she's thinking of her daughter a little bit. She may suprise you and not sever the relationship. It's hard to tell. Some women use kids as weapons. She has to know that he's not going to stay single forever. I guess take it slow and see where it leads. That's all you can do right now.
Just bring up your concerns with your boyfriend. Ask him if this is a concern for him or if he thinks his ex will be ok with it. He may have already begun getting his ex used to the idea of you. I don't think he'll be upset to learn your concerned the mother of his step daughter will stop letting him see her. Being concerned isn't a bad thing. It's an issue you will have to work out together.
2006-10-05 05:40:45 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is absurd. I can't believe that you would be so self absorbed. I can understand not wanting children, that is your decision. I can understand not liking the ex, it happens. But what in the hell did this kid ever do to you?
Put yourself in the kid's shoes. The person they know as their father will only see them once a month. They have just lost a HUGE part of their life. And now that their Father has moved on they will feel as though they aren't wanted because some lady has now moved in and is so wrapped up in herself and what she wants that she can't even think about accepting this child.
I don't think there is any understanding it. I think that you are being selfish and idiotic. This is a child that your soon to be husband loves, there is a reason this child is in his life. I think you need to get over yourself.
2006-10-05 05:39:39 · answer #3 · answered by ZsMom 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Selfish Selfish Selfish..this child did not ask to be born to a father who would even contemplate picking a woman over his own flesh and blood. Woman come and go but his little girl is there for ever and if you dont like it you should act like a grown up and move on and leave the child and her father alone. This poor innocent girl will lose her dad because of some chick who has come onto the scene years after she was born.. You een admit she is a nice kid which makes the whole situation even more unbelievable.. Shame on you
2006-10-05 05:49:22 · answer #4 · answered by z1280374 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is a package deal and his child is part of his life and if you can't deal w/ that then you need to move on. Cuz it's not going to change when you get married. How dare you ask him to be understand to your selfish ways. You stated yourself that you never wanted kids so why would you date some one who has a child or children. ?
2006-10-05 05:51:05 · answer #5 · answered by Tammi R 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When you enter into a relationship with anyone with children you must be prepared to accept the fact that the child/children will definitely affect your life as well. If this is not something that you can honestly deal with then you need to move on.
2006-10-05 05:49:18 · answer #6 · answered by Gee 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
sounds like you need to get out befor it becomes more of a
night mare and if he loves the kid that is just going to cause a prob with you too and if he has been there that long i dont think he would tell the kid to get lost it will be you he tells
2006-10-05 05:41:26 · answer #7 · answered by sweety 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
accept the fact that you are entering into a relationship with all the family, if you don't want it get out now , personally I think you are very selfish
2006-10-05 05:39:04 · answer #8 · answered by bayareart1 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
you just need to sit him down and explain all of that. i understand you dont want the child because you're afraid it might make him lose visitation to her. but sit down and tell him...print off this page and show him if you must
2006-10-05 06:12:58 · answer #9 · answered by grace_lindsey143 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋