Please tell me if Im wrong for feeling this way. Im engaged to a man who is 17 yrs older then me. We have been engaged for over a yr now and still no date has been set. We live together as husband an wife but he rufuses to set a date. When I ask him about it he gets so angry. He tells me there are certain goals I have to reach before he will set a date. I have to be settled in my new job, our kids needs to straighten up, and we need to get a prenup. Im so disturbed over all these conditions he has set for me it makes me crazy. Ive never been in a situation like this before. I truly adore him and I love him dearly but why do I have so many hurdles to be his wife. This it not what he said the day he prposed of course. I sold my home and relocated to his hometown. I got a new job and have tried my best to have his daughter warm up to me. I am dealing with his friends saying Im just a gold digger and he should watch his back. This kills me inside and now I feel he is playing into it also!!
2006-10-05 04:24:59 · 19 answers · asked by Kim 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I THINK THAT HE HAS NO INTENTIONS ON MARRYING YOU AND THESE GOALS ARE JUST A WAY OF HIM TO KEEP PUTTING IT OFF AND WHEN YOU REACH THESE GOALS HE WILL JUST SET MORE GOALS SO THATA HE CAN KEEP PUTTING MARRIAGE OFF,
2006-10-05 04:27:37 · answer #1 · answered by <<SEXY MOMMA>> 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, it's reasonable to expect that once the two people are engaged, the date will be set soon after the engagement. To be "engaged" for over a year with no intention to set a date makes no sense. If you're not ready to commit to marrying the person, for whatever reason (the job, the kids, etc.) - why get engaged at all? It seems, you two have radically different views on the issue.
I don't see anything wrong with getting a pre-nup, my husband and I considered it, but then after looking into it we realized that everything we wanted to put in it is already deliniated in the state laws re. divorce. So, we didn't feel it was necessary. But it's not necessarily a bad thing for two adults with established lives and finances, etc.
His other "conditions" are less clear. "Settled into your new job"? Is he afraid you're going to lose your job and not be able to find another one? Is this a strong possibility? Do you have a propensity towards not working? The fact that you had a house to sell tells me this is probably not the case (unless you bought the house with the lottery money or something). It also sounds like he's concerned with the kids situation - like he doesn't trust you are a "good enough" mom for his daughter, or what? In general, it sounds to me like he might be having second thoughts about marrying you, but he's not ready to come out and tell you that straight up. I don't know what your situation is, financially, emotionally, etc. - but, IMO, staying in this relationship for much longer would be wasting your time, and something's telling me that it is going to add badly no matter what you do. Please reconsider your attachment to this man.
2006-10-05 12:05:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to see it for what it is, he wants all the benefits of the married life, but he does not want to be married. Even if all the conditions are met, he will have some new conditions. Prenup is planned failure and I would never sign one. If I feel that I needed to have a prenup with my wife, shoot that would be like me thinking we were going to get divorced from the beginning. Ditch this guy...take your time, make sure you set yourself up so that you are not starving out there when you leave. It does not sound like you are in any danger, just leave the marriage subject alone, start setting some money aside, make whatever preparations you need to so that you are taken care of and then give him what he really wants, no commitment.
2006-10-05 11:55:58 · answer #3 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, this guy is a waste of your time. Why should you have to be jumping hurdles to be his wife? That isn't what marriage, or love, is about!
It sounds to me that he asked you to marry him to keep you, but doesn't have any intention of actually marrying you. My sister in law was in this situation for 14 years (yes, I said years).
Those "goals" are ridiculous. There will always be more. Once you are settled in your job, he'll say to wait for your promotion. Once the kids straighten up, he'll say until they finish a particular grade. Or he'll say wait until we buy a house, or wait until we're settled in the house.
Bottom line is that life NEVER organizes itself perfectly. There will never be a time when everything is absolutely perfect. The best you can hope for is "it's as good a time as any." If people waited until everything was settled before getting married or having kids, we'd have a lot less families and couples around.
2006-10-05 11:32:08 · answer #4 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why is getting married so important. I know in God's eye's it makes a difference......but why rush. My parent's were together for over 12 years before the married. My father was a great person, we were raised in a happy and secure home. Most men are just weirded out by this. Give it some time, and stop stressing off marriage, enjoy the relationship. If it's so important to you then make a change and go for what you want. Only you can really make yourself happy
2006-10-05 11:30:43 · answer #5 · answered by deb 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sounds to me like he listens to everyone but you. If he was looking at this right he would see that you gave up your home left your freinds and family and came there to have a new life. I have to tell ya that I doubt if you ever meet his expectations for a wedding day. I hope you saved some money, take your kids and get the heck out of there!
2006-10-05 11:28:31 · answer #6 · answered by blueblossom33 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well this is a hard question i would just wait it out or mabey just ask him one more time and if he says the sme thing tell him that you need a date, are you even going to marry me? do you even love me? Keep pressuring him and he might see that you are tired of waiting. Hope this Helps
2006-10-05 11:29:21 · answer #7 · answered by softball_chick25276 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People always listen to what thier friends say.If you want to marry him sign the pre-nup and tell him little things about how great your doing at work.As for his daughter try taking her shopping or doing something she would like.She'll warm up in her own time.
2006-10-05 11:28:24 · answer #8 · answered by katzgto67 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he is controlling, i would end the engagement until he meets some of your wants and needs. Stand up to the guy
2006-10-05 11:28:04 · answer #9 · answered by poli_b2001 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is not a good marriage to enter into. You sold your home and moved to his town? So far, you've given up alot for him. How much more must you give? What is he giving? Please find a way to get out of this relationship. Move out ASAP. He is not good for you. His friends are not good for the relationship. Please leave soon as you can.
2006-10-05 11:28:31 · answer #10 · answered by farahwonderland2005 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to leave, he is trying to use mind control on you...he is 17 years your senior!!!
Stop being a glutton for punishment if he makes you jump thru hoops now, you will be jumping skyscrapers when you say I DO!!
2006-10-05 11:28:08 · answer #11 · answered by voluptoustaureanfemale 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋