Is it cheating to talk to an old lover?

Question

I stumbled onto my wife having a few mens phone numbers on her cell phone not long ago. I was trading my old cell phone with her and when I asked about the numbers, she started deleting them on the spot! I asked her if she was deleting something and she told me a bald faced lie "NO".

I then figured out the names were of old boyfriends. When I asked her why she lied she told me because I would get mad. I was livid! The fact she lied to me and broke a promise we made we would not longer speak to old lovers.

I went on a mission, I found her old phone records and found out she had been talking to two of them for at least a year. I down loaded the records and found she was calling them constantly and more than they called her. I told her she was having a non-sexual intimate relationship with these two and it had to stop.

She then lied yet again and told me she stopped. I've asked what are they doing that I'm not. Please help me.

I just found out they have been talking for 4yr

Answer 1

If she was speaking to them with your consent and it was all "on the table", then the issue is null.

However, she is being deceptive about it.

That, by itself, combined with the fact he is an "old lover' make this a question of fidelity.

What it comes down to....If one's spouse could perceive it is cheating, then it a path one shouldn't go down.

She isn't being true to your vows, and you have every right to question her about it. People telling you to "get over it" or are "just jealous" are forgetting that you are indeed the innocent party here. Her dishonesty should be addressed.

Answer 2

I don't care what anyone says, you are not wrong!!! Your wife is in non-sexual intimate relationships with these people and you want to know how you can tell--SHE LIED ABOUT IT. If it was nothing, not only would she not have lied about it, she would have told you. I am really sorry that this happened to you and it sounds like you want to keep your marriage together. You need to talk to her about this. I think you have a good start with 'what they are doing that you are not'. If the talk between the two of you does not work, you need to seek some counseling for the both of you. If she is not willing to do this...I don't want to tell you to leave her, but she has to be willing to talk and get past this in order for your marriage to wrok and if she is unwilling, leaving her might have to be an option.

Good Luck

Answer 3

Different couples may have different ideas of what constitutes infidelity. For example, a person may not want his wife to maintain contact with ex lovers. Unfortunately your wife was emotionally unfaithfull to you, and did it secretly and lied about it. The secrecy, particularly once it is discovered, undermines an otherwise healthy marriage. The idea of trust, openness, sharing and the belief that you belong to something all will unquestionably be damaged.
Your marriage can survive deception and lies and a happy marriage can be restored with patience, sincerity and effort. Some of the hurdles that will arise might be your inability to get over the deception, the your wife's inability to realize what the she have done and how wrong it was or a general inability to address and fix the underlying problems which led to contact between her and her ex lovers.

Answer 4

It is obvious that she is deperately seeking attention/affection. She should be seeking it from you, but maybe she feels like you don't care or there has been a growing gap in communicating between you two. I would be honest and tell her how hurt you are and ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed????? Does she really want to lay down new ground rules to allow you to chat with all your ex's??? Since you have the numbers, call them. Be frank, and sincerely ask these ex's if anything is going on. Your her husband, you have a right to know. If that pans out to nothing, you are going to have to make a judgement call as to whether you can trust her. Personally, for someone who is supposed to love you and adore you, her attitude stinks. She needs to do some soul searching concerning her marriage.

Answer 5

It's cheating if you feel it's cheating. We don't always think the same things are cheating so we have to go with our own feelings.

At the very least you wife has broken a trust in your relationship. In general, I advise my coaching clients that whenever you're doing something you don't want your spouse to know about, it's cheating! Even if that something is shopping, talking to another person, or anything!

Your wife shoudn't need to hide what she is doing and clearly she is someone who will lie to keep herself out of trouble. You need to get to the root of this and get your marriage on track or you are headed for a breakup.

Brandi
Marital Matters

Answer 6

I talk to almost every one of my ex's. Sometimes we even go out for drinks. Sometimes the wives/girlfriends come along. Sometimes it's just us. We are friends. It has been years since we were anything more.

She lied to you because she knew how jealous you are and she didn't want to deal with it. Either way she was screwed. You have a problem with her talking to her ex's and you have a problem with her lying.

I just started talking to a guy I almost married 15 years ago. He's moving back here in January. But it is all just talk.

Get over it. Get some help with your jealousy or you will be one of the ex's soon.

Answer 7

Anything you do that you would not do with your spouse standing beside you is cheating. Makes you wonder what else she has lied about, doesn't it? Maybe she has been seeing them in person, too. I'd call them and ask. Don't tell her you're going to, though, until after it is done. Then confront her with the evidence. It is up to you whether you want to stay with such a deceitful person or not.

Answer 8

She is absolutely having an affair. Whether it has gone to the sexual point or not is irrelevant. If she is hiding it from you and then lying about it, she is wrong. I don't know about you, but if my husband was doing that, I would NEVER trust him again. Having trust in your spouse is one thing but don't be ignorant. You also have to watch your back. Decide if she is worth being married to.

In response to those who think what his wife is doing is alright... sorry but you people are WRONG. Trust and all that crap only goes so far. There are a lot of wicked people out there who don't give a hoot about their wedding vows. Like I said trust is one thing but being "blind" to the obvious and naive is another. You have to watch you back.

Answer 9

its not a sin to talk to ex boyfriends
and i hate that people think that
but it is wrong that she told you she wouldnt and did.
If she wants to talk to them let her
after all they broke up FOR a reason and unless she is a whore that reason still applys
talk to her about it
and ask her to explain and you wont get mad
aske her if she just want to talk to them
or if she is willing to give them another try
and if she says No that they are just friends
belive her
and make a deal with her that YOU and HER can both talk to anyone you want as long as it isnt to form a relationship
things happen for a reason
and this is probably going to help your relationship together or ruin it.
it all depends on the way you reacate
btw does she KNOW you went through her phone history
because if you had done that to me baby you would have hit the road along time ago

Answer 10

I am no expert, but i really don't think that it's cheating to speak to an old lover. I had to smile to myself when you said, that you stumbled across men's numbers on her phone.
How can you stumble across these numbers unless you were actually looking into your wife's phone????
You must remember that these men were once IN your wife's life, before you met her, i really can't see where the problem lies, unless she is sleeping with them, which i doubt. Don't you think it's sad that your wife could not say to you in the 1st place, i am still in contact with my old boyfriends. I am going to ask you a question? Are you a bit insecure with yourself?
You need to sit wifey down and instead of being angry with her,ask her why she feels the need to be in contact with her old boyfriends.
Believe me communication is the key. I am not siding with your wife, but i do believe that the contact she has with these guys are platonic. She married you, she comes home to you, and i am sure these chaps know that their is a line, and they will not cross it. Remember it takes 2 to tango. You have nothing to worry about i am sure it's all innocent.