On occasion, my husband drinks to excess. It has resulted in many arguments and he has been arrested once.?

Question

I love my husband dearly, and he has really cut down on his drinking. Every few months though he will drink to excess, and makes foolish decisions. The last one resulted in his being arrested and spending the night in county and they released him the next day when he sobered up. He gets very defensive and we cannot even talk about drinking. He is a wonderful husband and we have so much fun together, but, every time this happens I become a little bit more resentful. I HAVE stood by his side for many years, when other people would have walked, so I am committed to my husband and care about his well-being, but am afraid I am reaching the end of my patience. Please do not call him negative names. This is serious situation and I need objective answers, not judgements.

Answer 1

I am in a similar situation to you, but I have 2 kids too. My husband can drink to excess too, and every time it happens, he says it was a one-off, but then he does it again, and again. I have put up with it for too long. He is not abusive, and he hasn't been arrested (yet!), but I can't stand it when he drinks like that, and last weekend, he went out on the Friday night and didn't come home all night, and came home the next afternoon without calling to let me know he was safe.

I know I have had it with the drinking. I have made my mind up to act. Something I am doing must be enabling him to behave this way. I can't change him, but I can do what I can to protect myself. I have decided on some new rules. If he wants to go out drinking, I will make it clear I don't want him to come home drunk or hungover, so he will have to find another place to stay until he is ok. If he wants to drink to excess in the house, that is more of a problem.

I am going to join a support group for families of people with drinking problems. It might help you if you did the same. I am exactly where you are - not sure where to turn. I have no intention of leaving my husband, but his behaviour is unbearable, and is affecting the way I feel about him. We haven't had sex in months.

Look after yourself first. Make sure you are ok, and maybe somehow his behaviour will change too. Set down your own rules, but don't nag him about the drink. Just say what is ok and what isn't. If he can agree to your rules, it will help you to cope. And maybe when he is ready to face his problem, he will stop drinking.

Answer 2

Your right no one should call him negative names, do you have children? If so I would assume he was a good dad, because you say he's a good husband. That's great!! Sounds to me that he just can't handle alcohol some people are like that, doesn't make them bad people at all, just doesn't make them "themselves". Since your husband gets defensive try writing your feelings down on paper... do not blame him for the drinks mishaps but inform him you are fearful about how he acts and the actions he takes when he does drink and that you love him. This is a very touchy matter because you don't want him to feel as though you are "attacking" him, because that might push him into drinking more frequently. My suggestion would be to write him a letter and let it rest to see what he will do next. A letter of pleas from you might be enough for him to realize you are at your wits end and something needs to change.
Another option is joining an group for people who have loved ones with drinking problems.
I hope all works out for you, bless your heart.

Answer 3

Your husband has a drinking problem. He needs to attend to this for his sake, and the families. He may argue about him having a problem, or even other people. However, he drank, got drunk and got arrested. To me, that makes the alcohol a problem. He needs to make a decision. It will be tuff, but tell him its worth doing. Talk to him abut it. Tell him the good points, tell him he is wonderful and that you want to help him, or have him get help so your fantastic relationship will continue to grow. I say this because I use to have a simular drinking problem. I would drink socially, but every now and then drank too much and do or say stupid things and embarrass my wife. A friend took me a side and had a quiet word. Not I have curtailed my drinking where I hardly drink any more, and if I do, its only one or two. Ive found life and my health a lot better. All the best to the both of you

Answer 4

Your husband's occasional drinking is a full time problem. Getting arrested is serious business, and if you have kids you have to worry about taking care of them if your husband loses his job after getting arrested or going to jail permanently. He needs help. He's the only one who can decide to get help for his drinking. You have to worry about yourself and your own well being. People with addictions are often in denial, which is why he won't talk about his problem. Yes, you love him, but look out for yourself. He needs love too, but he needs tough love. If you have to, and you feel the need, leave him. It just might wake him up and he'll seek the help he needs and you two can get back to leading a happy life together. Good luck to you and your husband.

Answer 5

Well I give you a lot of credit. My middle step daughter had a husband of 15 years who was a great father to their two girls, work-a-holic but would go on benders. Coupled with pain killers it became worse. He would go through the counseling and dry-out clinics as 'lip service" to her but always fall back.
After 15 years she finally tossed him out. He went to hell so quickly it wasn't funny. His last day was spent in a motel room where he took an overdose of pills and ended his life.
So...I don't know. He knows he has a problem and won't get the help he needs. Tell you what my dear...you keep with him as long as YOU can tolerate it. There will be a point in your life where you'll finally cry "Enough" and reach your limit.
Once you do that...you can't turn back...despite what he may promise. You'll need proof of that first. He may say he'll stop and do so but usually they do enough to get you back and settled and then it starts again.
Just remember...when and if you finally decide you have to get out from under, no one can never say that you did not make the effort to make it work and get things on track.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

your husband has a problem with drink , and he knows it , which is why he will not talk about , he feels embaressed.
Can you persude him to speak to your doctor or attend a self help group for drinking ? Im sure he doesnt want to admit he has the problem . Buy a good book about drinking , give it to him , and ask him to read it , or discuss it together.
He is very lucky to have you and your support , maybe the fear of him loosing that , might make him do something about the problem , before it gets worse.

Answer 7

Well, sounds like he is making some sad choices and needs some help.

Here's the problem. You can't control his behavior. That's his job. YOu can't convince him he needs help. Help will only be beneficial when he wants it and realizes himself he needs it. You can't think for him. You can't control him. Theres really not a thing you can do about his problem except try to tell him you are worried about it.

However, heres the thing you CAN do. You can control your own behavior.

DId you know alot of people hitched to someone with a drug or alcohol problem actually do things that ENABLE their problem? They make excuses for their spouse, call him in sick to work when he is passed out, pay his bills he let lapse even if it means taking out a loan in their own name to do it...

Some people are actually called CODEPENDANT even if they are not the ones with a substance abuse problem their lives revolve around enabling the other persons addiction.

It is very important you don't do this. Let him face full consequences for his addictive behavior. If he blows all the money let him sit in the dark with the electric off if he cant pay the bill. Let him get fired. Don't lie to his boss for him. Don't bail him out of jail.

Its one thing if he's going to ruin his life but you don't have to help him.

really the only way he will ever realize he has a problem is if he actually starts to feel the full consequences from his own behavior instead of having some mother figure solve it all for him.

Answer 8

well my dad is like that but actually my dad is worse well was he still drinks everday but doesnt get the affect to be abusive. dont worry ive whatched my mum go through the same thing. dont worry he will one day find out how much this hurts you. stand by him and you will have his respect. (not that you already dont) just more of it. just talk yo him about it maybe write a letter and give it to him and spend the night at another house. that will give him time to think.... good luck. and take care

Answer 9

Im a daughter of an alcoholic dad. He died a few yrs back from serious liver disease. He suffered badly at the end. No matter how much we tried to get him help,,,he didnt want it. You cant make your husband stop drinking, He has to want to do it on his own. ,Also my man just quit drinking a month ago,,and he was the same as your husand. One day he woke up and said that was enough,,and he quit cold turkey. Everyday is a struggle for him,,but im there for him to keep him from making that mistake again. I was fed up with it also. And i told him if he was to ever go back to drinking then he would be out of me and my sons life for good. Im not going to sit around and watch the man i love kill himself like my dad did. You can stnad by your man but if hes not willing to get help for himself,,u r going to get really sick of it eventually and wind up leaving him. He needs to help himself hon. And yes i know its a painful thing to watch.

Answer 10

my hubby sounds alot like yours. They do have good intentions and fall off the wagon sometimes. I'm not condoning it or anything and I know how hard it can be. I have learned that you can't change him, something that really helped me is going to Al-Anon. here is a link if you would like to check it out

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I think if your hubby went to AA it would help alot and if he isn't ready to go maybe seeing you trying to change things might change him mind. I hope that everything works out for you.

Good luck.