I have been married for 14 years. I have 4 children. My husband and I don't fight and scream at each other, in fact we don't talk much at all. There has been a lot of things happen that have made me unable to depend on him or even trust him. I filed for divorce about 4 months ago, but decided not to go through with it. I am sooo scared that my children will be angry at me, and the fear of them possibly choosing to live with their dad scares me to death. Because the two oldest are 14 and 17, they would get to decide for themselves where they live. It is so hard!! I am not happy, but I would rather be unhappy than cause my children unhappiness. Has anyone else been through this? Any advice? We are in counceling, and I am honestly trying, but the feelings just aren't there anymore.
2006-10-05 03:07:26 · 12 answers · asked by Kailey 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have a full-time job as a Marketing Director. I am very self-sufficient and do not depend on my husband for financial support. The only reason I worry about my kids choosing him is because he always gets to be the "good guy". I have always been the diciplinarian. I am a strong woman! Buck up? I've done that for 14 years. An affair is out of the question-I think too much of myself for that!
2006-10-05 03:46:28 · update #1
I really feel this pain that you are going through. I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage way too long. I found that my ex didn't want to be with me over 7 years before I filed for divorce. I knew that the courts are bias towards the mother and I have one child. I think even though I don't have my child with me for most of the time she knows that I am happier during the time we have together. I remain in contact with her twice a day phone calls and during the times I do have her and my alarm goes off to call her we both look at each other and say "I love you" because that is what its all about. The best thing to do is not to bad-mouth the other parent to the kids and be supportive to their needs. Good luck
2006-10-05 03:28:04 · answer #1 · answered by chancesare45 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Many people have that issue, trying to stay together for the children, and that is a big mistake. In essence, that is a bigger mess than being separated. But luckily you have children that are old enough that you can discuss your feelings with. Children can pick up on vibes and know something is going wrong. Explain that you love them very much but you and your husband need to separate and it's not THEIR FAULT! Many kids think that if there's a divorce that it's their fault. My parents divorced, and my dad moved away and it was hard. But I still knew him and we still visisted him constantly. And they argued and fought but it was behind closed doors. And as far as where they get to live, that isn't totally up in their hands, if you go to court they would make the final say if you did take it to court. Being unhappy is going to take a toll on you and you eventually might not function with everyday things. Have you let your husband know that there are no feelings there? Why don't you just separate if you don't want to get a divorce so you can still have a piece of mind to decide if you want to keep it permanent. But personally, I know you love your kids, but if it was me, I would move on. But whatever you do, good luck with your endeavors, and just pray on it.
2006-10-05 10:21:52 · answer #2 · answered by Dr. PHILlis (in training) 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been thru this few years agao when my kids were 14-16. Now they are out to college. The empty ness makes this thing worst. We don't even want to see each other at dinner table. The fire had died. That's it. My husband, on the other hand, does not see this as a problem. As long as he can spend all his waking hours with his guitar (and he is buying one) he is happy. He thinks I am just making "noise". We cannot go counseling because he does not think it is a problem to begin with.
I feel like we are (worst than) roommates. I need a soulmate and I am at this point seriously considering either divorce or adultery.
From my experience, I would advise you to hold on at least another year so you can see your 17-year old going to college. His/her future is more important than your relationship at this time because yours is already bad, you don't need another problem with your kid's future.
What I am doing now is I am start dressing up and "looking". You may want to do the same, quietly. Don't let him see your cards.
2006-10-05 10:20:37 · answer #3 · answered by chanella90012 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay for the remaining four years until you rkids turn 18. Then they will get a job or go to college and want to move out on their own anyway. You won't have to fight with him about child support. In the meantime, get involved in your own activities. Volunteer at the local theatre. If you are a stay at home mothet, get a 15 hour per week easy part-time job so that you can be in touch with other people. Volunteer to raise funds for the opera or symphony or girl scouts. Look in the local newspaper and just start to go to events. You wil be happier, it won't matter so much about your husband and you won't have to fight over the kids.
2006-10-05 10:16:36 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
staying together for the children isn't always the best thing. If you are truly unhappy, then it will start to affect the kids. I went thru this, and tried to stay with him for the kids, but I ended up yelling more at the kids because of my anger towards him. I did leave and the kids are with me, but in my circumstance, the children wanted to be with me instead of him, he was never that involved with them from the start. I am much happier and calmer now and me and the kids are very happy.
2006-10-05 10:13:17 · answer #5 · answered by staydee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try and hold on for your children's sake. I'm in a situation were my wife cheated on me for quite some time. I told her to get her clothes and get out. What stopped this was seeing my 11yr old Son crying in his room when she told him we were having problems.
The idiot did not bother to tell him what she'd done, just that she was leaving. I was trying to cool off and figure things out and her being there would not and has not helped much.
I'm trying to hang in there as best I can. The two of you have a much better footing than I. There's no emotional or physical relationships going on (from what I can tell).
Urge your spouse to go, demand it, threaten to leave to prove you are serious. It may save your marriage and open his eyes.
2006-10-05 10:52:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is better for children to have parents who are happy being apart from each other than to have parents unhappy and together. My husband's parents knew they weren't right for each other while his mom was pregnant with him. They stayed together for eight years just for him. My hubby definitely wishes his parents would have split up long before they did bc all he remembers of them being together is them being unhappy.
2006-10-05 12:32:52 · answer #7 · answered by Chi1linVi1lain 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do your kids know you're unhappy? Have you ever tried talking to them about it? Sometimes kids will sense that something isn't right between their parents but woin't say anything because they feel it's their fault. You may want to speak with them and see where they stand.
2006-10-05 10:12:07 · answer #8 · answered by St.Anger 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, Your kids are the most important thing in your life. getting a divorce will only screw them up. Wait untill there out of the house before you split.
2006-10-05 10:42:06 · answer #9 · answered by jrobings 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally feel that if your not happy in your marriage then its possible that your children aren't either its up too you if you want to stay or leave
2006-10-05 10:11:28 · answer #10 · answered by wildone 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋